Yes, growing a human-being in your rapidly expanding uterus is obviously pretty damn cool.. but let’s face it- i’m not good with the sugary sentimental crap, so let’s move right along to the less obvious perks of pregnancy
The boob-fairy never came for me. I was never blessed with big-boobies.. and I learned to love my small boobs (huge floppy tits never really were very appealing to me).
I didn’t even get the small boobs until late in my teenage years. Just like I was a late-bloomer in life, I was a late-bloomer in pregnancy.
When I FINALLY got pregnancy boobs, it was like Christmas morning. I went from a size B, to a C/D seemingly overnight. Not just big boobs, but big, full, perky boobs.. without the hurt on my pocket implants would cost.
They were every boob-challenged girls dream. I felt confident, and hell, even sexy. They of course were trumped by the huge belly that sat underneath of them.. but beggars can’t be choosers.
Sadly, I lost the huge porno-titties a few weeks after giving birth.. and am even smaller than I was before getting pregnant (double damn!) but they were fun while they lasted.
Now I know why women love having implants, big perky boobs are great!
Condomless Sex, yay!
Condoms are obviously a good thing, they protect against unwanted pregnancy and STDs.. but let’s keep it real- they feel like sandpaper rubbing your vagina raw. And lube does NOT work the way the commercials would like you to think.
If you’re already pregnant, the damage is done. You obviously can’t get pregnant AGAIN (and if you’re with a steady partner), so why not let loose and go bareback? We all know it feels about a million times better.
Go ahead and give your hoo-ha a break- assuming your significant other isn’t totally freaked out by preggo-sex.
Or pads, if you choose to use the bloody-diaper (eww). One of the things I was most excited about during pregnancy was that I would NOT have a period for 9 long months. No more period cramps (pregnancy cramps are another story), no more sticking cotton up my snatch to stop the week-long bleeding.. no more unexplained bloating (bloating is exciting during pregnancy because you actually think you’re shwoing when you’re not).
Trust me, it’s fantastic not to have your period. I certainly don’t enjoy having it back.
Playing the ‘Pregnancy Card’
As bitchy as it might seem, I definitely used being pregnant to my full advantage. Don’t want to get up and get a drink or snack? Play the pregnant card, if your husband isn’t a total twat- he’ll get up and get it for you. People will give you their seat if all seats are taken. Strangers go out of their way to make you comfortable or to get things for you. It’s pretty awesome. You feel like a queen. A fat swollen tired queen, but a queen nevertheless.
Solid excuse to be fat
Eating like a cow during pregnancy will come back to bite you in the ass after giving birth, but I won’t lie and say it isn’t fun to stuff your face while your pregnant and not have anyone bat an eyelash (well, except your OBGYN). Most people have heard the saying “eating for two” and take it at face value, so when you’re shovelling down your second serving of cheesecake- people smile and write it off to the fact that you’re pregnant and need the calories.
Gives a whole new meaning to being fat and happy.
What women doesn’t love to shop? During pregnancy, the shopping-spree never ends. Whether it’s shopping for clothes to fit your fat ass (and the ones you buy at the beginning of pregnancy probably won’t fit towards the end, meaning MORE shopping), or shopping for baby.. there never seems to be a lack of the need to shop and spend ridiculous amounts of money.
No more birth control
It’s a no-brainer that you stop birth control when you’re knocked up. If you were taking it before and a sperm accidentally got through, well.. that sucks- but you won’t need it any more for obvious reasons.
No more remembering to take a pill, or sticking a new ring up into your freaking cooch.. no need for an implant under the skin on your arm (um, OUCH!), or to get a “tiny plastic insert” shoved up into your cervix, or even to stick a patch on your arm.
You will have to remember to take pre-natal vitamins.. which might just make you horribly nauseous, but… well… i’ll just keep this as a pro for now.
Being a bitch is a-ok
Some people might argue that it’s never ok to be a bitch… but c’mon, with all those extra hormones during pregnancy it’s hard NOT to want to snap at least twice a day and tear someone a new asshole. All you have to say? “Sorry, hormones!” and all is well in the world again.
Ain’t being pregnant grand?
Of course.. there are many awful uncomfortable disgusting things that come along with being pregnant, but i’ll save that for tomorrow’s post. Let’s all bask in the positive glory that is pregnancy right now.
Sometimes I get the irrational fear that Holden is an evil baby. I don’t mean the “oh he’s so evil, he tears things off of my coffee table” type of evil.. but the straight out of a horror movie “I see dead people” type of evil.
I have had the tendency to freak myself out on multiple occasions… hell, i’m even scared of the dark- so I know my craziness is just simply that- craziness, but sometimes I can’t help but to take a step back and say “ok, Holden is totally freaking me out right now.”
It all started when he was a teeny-tiny baby and he did things that most people would consider normal, or cute newborn baby things- such as rolling his eyes back in his head, or creepily laughing in his sleep.
As he started getting more aware of his surroundings, i’d hear him wake up in his crib and start ‘talking’ as if there was someone in the room with him, or stare at blank space while I was changing him and jibber-jabber away.
One morning, Holden was in bed with me and his monitor was accidentally left on. Out of nowhere, I hear a woman’s voice say “hello?” very clearly through the monitor. My eyes popped open and I heard it again. I flew out of bed and switched the monitor back off and immediately jumped back into bed and snuggled up next to Holden. That’s enough to freak ANYONE out. Could his monitor have been picking up a phone frequency? Maybe.. but it had never happened before in all the months we’d been using the monitor, so my mind ran with it and ended up freaking me out for days. I make sure the monitor is off once he’s out of his crib now, that’s for sure.
That was only the beginning though.
He has a toy phone that says the number he’s pressing outloud. Numerous times he’s been playing with it and from across the room I hear him pressing “666” over and over again. Great, so I gave birth to the spawn of Satan! I don’t want to say anything negative about Thomas’ family.. but.. his mom considers herself a wiccan and told me upon first meeting me that my house is “spiritually clean”, i’m placing the blame there!
Then there’s the fact that Holden loves to change the channel on the TV to static channels.. immediately reminding me of the movie “Poltergeist.”
One night, I swear i’ll wake up to him with his hands on the TV (turned to a static channel) and he’ll look at me and say “they’re heeeeeeeeere”
If that day ever comes, i’ll be shitting my pants- you can count on that.
Last (but certainly not least), there have been many mornings where Holden comes into bed with me early to go back to sleep (because I am NOT getting up at 6am).. and i’ve dozed off only to wake to him staring at me. Blank faced.. just staring…
Normally, with Holden, if he wakes up before me he’ll lick my face, pull my hair or start climbing the walls. STARING AT ME? totally freaky. Don’t deny it, you’d be freaked out too.
It doesn’t help that 95% of scary movies these days involve some kind of posessed evil demon child.
Name me 5 movies that don’t include one of those that has come out in the past few years.
Then you have creeping meowing Asian kid from ‘The Grudge’, who will pull you into the bathtub and drown your dumb ass (what’s with the Japanese movies and trying to freak you out with children? not cool.)
Who can forget Damian, Mommy-killer extraodinaire, son of Satan.. etc etc from ‘The Omen’?
(and I will never understand why people would name their child Damian knowing where the name came from, c’mon people, glutton for punishment much??)
Or creepy dead-twin girl from “Silent Hill”? You might argue she wasn’t really evil… but damn if she wasn’t scary!
I could keep listing movies and posting pictures for days.. but I think i’ve given myself enough fuel for nightmares tonight so I will stop while my underwear is pee-free.
I don’t know why children are so creepy in movies.. but they are, and they’ve caused me to occasionally get freaked out by my own crotch-fruit, so I am not a fan. Not a fan at all.
Just another example of how I am a huge puss… but i’ve always been one when it comes to scary movies and creepy kiddies. I’ve just never had one of my own to use as a reference.
Here’s to hoping Holden doesn’t grow older and one day tell me, “Mommy, I see dead people”.. sacrifice me to Satan… Or just take an axe to my head.
ETA: Scary movies have also made me glad that I had a boy instead of a girl.. because seriously, I can’t handle dolls. They literally scare me to death. Don’t ever watch ‘Demonic Toys’ or ‘Puppetmaster’, just save yourself the horror.
Everyone’s heard of pregnancy mood swings. One second you’re up, the next you’re crying uncontrollably for seemingly no reason at all. It’s a given when you’re knocked up to make everyone’s life around you absolute hell (although i’d like to think I wasn’t so bad).
Two years ago, I could sit through an episode of Law & Order SVU unfazed despite the content.. I could watch movies where children get hurt or die without really even batting an eye (blame our environment for that, we’ve all gotten used to it!).
I never thought i’d be the type the shed a tear over a commercial, or to have to change the channel when a show/movie comes on that has sick/dying children.
I thought very VERY wrong.
I knew things had changed when I was a few months pregnant watching an episode of Futurama. It was the one where Fry clones his dog, but ends up getting rid of it because he thinks the dog doesn’t care about him anymore- when in reality the dog had waited for him to come home until it grew very old and died.
I bawled, hysterically. At FUTURAMA of all shows.
Throughout the course of my pregnancy, shows that never bothered me before got totally under my skin.. although.. I could watch all those birthing shows on TLC and Discovery no problem (which are far more disturbing to me now. can. not. watch).
Kind of like my high blood-pressure, size D boobs and an ass to rival J-Lo’s, I thought the random weeping at TV shows and movies… and commercials would go away once I gave birth.
Again, very very wrong (seems to be a trend, doesn’t it?).
Tonight, I was watching an episode of House where a husband had to decide whether to save his wife, or his child. Things took a downturn and it ended up he couldn’t save his wife at all and had to sign for an immediate C-Section to save the life of his child.
I found myself getting extremely distraught. Tearing up, even.
This wasn’t the only occurance, it happens ALL THE TIME, still. At least once a day.
I blame Holden.
Apparently him popping out of my vagina has caused me to turn into a huge pussy.
It’s rather embarrassing to be watching a car-insurance commercial and get all teared up over a guy holding his newborn baby in the hospital. I think it’s more embarrassing that when I tear up, my nose immediately runs.. causing this tear/snot combo that i’m SURE is highly attractive but hard to stop. I’m like a leaky faucet.
I guess it makes sense. Before you have a child, you have no idea what it’s like to love someone THAT much. It’s hard to imagine losing something you don’t have.
While I definitely DON’T mind no longer having the urge to watch women grunting and squeezing babies out on national television like I did while I was pregnant.. I still contend that snotting all over myself because of a life insurance commercial a year post-birth is totally ridiculous, embarrassing… And kind of gross.
I grew up watching All My Children, a soap-opera on the ABC Network (for those who don’t know).
My Mother was a stay-at-home mom, so every day at 1pm we would sit down together and watch All My Children. She watched General Hospital too, but I never found myself getting attached to any soap but AMC. Damn that Susan Lucci!
Through all the years, the show has stuck with me. I’d watch it on days i’d stay home sick from school, then work.. and of course now that i’m home all the time, I look forward to it.
Roll your eyes all you want, I still believe that AMC has good actors, even if sometimes the story lines are completely ridiculous (as they are on all incestuous soaps).
Fast forward to a few weeks ago when Thomas was out of work for a stretch of time. Was I going to let his relentless teasing stop me from watching my favorite daytime television show (he calls General Hospital ‘Genital Hospital’ )? Hell no!
Much to his chagrin, he sat through an hour of All My Children every weekday he was home.. and though he wouldn’t admit it, I think he started to enjoy it- or at least get sucked into the story lines- and how could you not? They’re filled with AMNESIA and partner-swapping, cheating, fighting, and of course (how could I forget?) murder!
For people with the dull social lives we have- It’s living vicariously through a TV show… one you have to completely suspend belief for, but still.
Thomas went back to work, and I was back to getting to watch my favorite soap all by myself again.. meaning I could REALLY get into it instead of pretending not to ‘care’ about the characters i’ve grown to love over the past 20+ years.
Monday, in the middle of watching the show, Holden fast asleep on my chest (and stomach.. and legs.. damn he’s big) I receive a text message from Thomas saying:
“Adam’s a dick”
Immediately I think..
Oh great, hasn’t even been at the job two weeks and already one of his coworkers is being a douchebag. Here we go again.
I send him back a text that said simply
And then it hits me…
Adam is a character on All My Children,
a character who was just being a dick on the show..
Thomas is watching All My Children!
On his own accord!
I try to stifle my laughter, as Holden is an incredibly light sleeper.. but the thought of Thomas sitting in the break room at his job, eating his lunch and watching All My Children in all its ridiculous glory not caring whether his coworkers see him is too much to contain.
He’s been watching it every day since. I feel victorious.
He can’t ever tease me for watching my ‘cheesy soap’ ever again.
He CAN, however, make fun of what happens ON the soap… such as, getting hit by a tornado, being stuck under a concrete column and lifting it off as though it weighed about as much as a piece of paper? That I can agree with… but I still love it anyways.
I also got Thomas into watching (and secretly loving) Gilmore Girls, but that’s another much less interesting story.
I am allowed to call my baby fat Just like i’m allowed to call him a turd and a brat… but when other people called him fat I got highly offended. It’s like when you’re complaining about your mom, and the person you’re talking to says “yeah, your mom is crazy”- you immediately go on the defensive. That’s someone you love they’re talking about.
I can not count the number of times I heard “oh he’s so big!”, or women gasping when I told them his age because they just couldn’t believe he wasn’t older because of his size.
There are a few comments that make my blood absolutely boil:
“He’s gonna be a linebacker when he grows up!”– seriously? just because he’s fat now, doesn’t mean he’s going to grow up and smash people for a living. The saying about babies losing a lot of their chub once they become mobile is completely true- Holden has a neck now and a lot less rolls.
“He sure doesn’t miss a meal does he??” – no.. he doesn’t, because that would be child neglect now wouldn’t it? Moron.
Old people are some of the worst offenders. They’ve lost all sense of what’s okay to say to complete strangers, the part of their brain that tells them when things are inappropriate doesn’t work anymore.
My least favorite old-fogie comment?
“What is your mommy feeding you?”– I’m feeding him ho-hos, candy bars and donuts, duh! Isn’t that what babies are SUPPOSED to eat???
Seriously, I knew Holden was chubby.. I was and am the one lugging his fat ass around- but did I do anything to help him get fatter? No. That’s just the way he was. And personally, I found it pretty adorable. I’d rather have a fat baby (and I don’t mean the ridiculously morbid obese kind of fat baby that you see on Maury Povich) than a baby that gets classified as “failure to thrive.”
My Dad (who can now be considered a senior citizen at the ripe old age of 60.. or is it 61? either way) came over to visit last week and lets this one roll:
“He’s really growing into his head”– Say WHAT? He called my kid a fat head! The honest truth of it is, while Holden’s body was in the 100th percentile.. his head was in the 75th.. so technically his head was growing into his body. I knew what my Dad meant though: Holden isn’t as fat as he used to be. He just decided to use a backhanded compliment to convey his opinion.
The Grandparent comments/advice i’ll save for another post… because I could go ON AND ON about that ridiculousness.
I swear though, if ONE more person tells me they have ‘decided’ that Holden will grow up and play football because of his size, I might seriously snap and cut them.
I take what I can get pic.twitter.com/OjsRGaRoxz
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I'm at the point in my life where "happy hour" means taking my pants off and eating dinner on the couch.
My husband and me trying to stay awake after the kids go to bed tonight because "DAMNIT WE'RE ADULTS AND WE DESERVE ADULT TIME!" pic.twitter.com/sDAC5nWxSD
GIVEAWAY! WIN a copy of Disney-Pixar’s COCO! goo.gl/fb/vn9grQ
Me: I'm so glad my kids are older and they don't bother me every time I go to the bathroom anymore! 5 minutes later: pic.twitter.com/X67Xr8iURv
I watch random things I find on Netflix without reading any reviews first, so I guess you could say I like to live dangerously.