I don’t know about you- but my idea of a good poop is being able to sit back, relax, take my time and let it just… come out on its own. Pooping is no fun if you have to rush, grunt and try to squeeze it out under pressure- you’ll end up giving yourself some wicked hemorrhoids that way. I don’t know that I have any (i’m one of those people who just doesn’t want to know, and refuses to check), but I can’t imagine that a punching bag filled with blood hanging from your anus doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun to me.
Once your baby becomes mobile- you can kiss pooping alone goodbye. When they’re still little lumps of baby, you can strap them to a bouncy chair and run to the toilet while they whine. You might rush a little- but not nearly as much as when they can chase after you.
You might not understand it if you haven’t lived through it… but trust me, once it’s gone- you might just shed a tear.
Pooping now, is like pooping in a war zone. If I try to lock Holden out of the bathroom- he either screams until I open the door.. or suddenly i’m getting scratched on the foot by razor sharp baby nails from him reaching under the door and trying to grab me.
Letting him in is even more fun. The downstairs bathroom (where we spend most of our days.. not in the bathroom, but downstairs duh) is tiny.. we’re talking a toilet and a pedestal sink, and you can wash your hands in that sink while you’re dropping the kids off at the pool, small. So with me trying to relieve myself, Holden comes wandering in and tearing dirty stuff out of the toilet- trying to play with my va-jay.. pulling at my pants.. trying to hang like a spider-monkey from the sink, or falling and hitting his head on the wall because there’s just no room to move.
Knowing all of that makes me have to rush to finish pooping so he doesn’t end up eating crusty-booger tissues from the trashcan or giving himself yet another bruise on his (according to my dad) huge bulbous head. And why is it that babies don’t care how bad your poop smells? He has never once retreated from a stinky bathroom. I know we can all deal with our OWN horrid poo-smell (well, y’know, unless you’re REALLY sick and then you can’t even stomach your own and you have your nose turned towards the cieling trying to find the ‘fresh air’ but can’t).. but when it comes to OTHER peoples ass-demons? No way. Not my kid, he’s totally fine with getting a huge whiff of mommy-poop.
You might ask, “Why not poop in another bathroom? Don’t you have one?”
Yes, yes I do.. but the other bathroom is upstairs. Leaving Holden downstairs alone is never a good idea. I’ve tried it.. he got stuck in between our two couches and started tearing things off of the side table, and screaming when he realized he couldn’t get himself out. When you hear loud heavy things falling to the floor- and you’re upstairs trying to take a huge dump in peace… you end up grunting and pushing like you’re giving birth all over again. That is NEVER a satisfying feeling.
There has been many a time where I just gave up halfway through a poop to go and deal with Holden… that has to be the absolute worst.
Sure, I can poop in peace once Thomas gets home and can wrangle Holden away from the bathroom door.. but it’s just not the same. By then I have an entire day of unsatisfying poop under my belt (no, i’m not one of you weirdos who only poops every couple of days!), and nothing can make that feeling go away- not even the biggest poop in the world.
I really need to stop using Myspace, it really has become a breeding ground for stupidity and exaggerations.
Today my hair stylist posted a bulletin claiming that Obama is the ‘Anti-Christ’. It wasn’t something she wrote, just copied & pasted. I am in no way calling her stupid ( I actually like her a lot as a person), but c’mon.. people REALLY believe he’s the freaking anti-christ? ppssshh
Anyways, I wrote back to the bulletin and said “I voted for Obama, but thanks for the amusing read!”
Harmless, right? Maybe not. This is the woman who dyes and cuts my hair.. one wrong move and she could give me an orange mullet.
Let’s just hope she doesn’t take it as an insult. I should really learn to bite my tongue but sometimes I just can’t help myself. THE ANTI-CHRIST? I mean.. really.. come on now.
I know lots of my male friends liked to dress up as soldiers or police officers as small children- some of them BECAME soldiers and police officers as adults.
Upon surfing the web, I was told about a website that sells military gear for low prices. We’re talking EVERYTHING from pants, holsters, under armour, footwear & boots, 5.11 Flashlight – the list goes on and on. I don’t need to remind you how much I love to save money.
So if you’re interested, check it out. LApolicegear.com
No matter how much you love the name you’re about to give your crotch-rocket, there will always be naysayers. Not everyone is going to love the name that you’ve fallen in love with.. and unfortunately they are incredibly vocal about it. To the point where it gets offensive.
Thomas and I knew from the start we didn’t want a ‘run of the mill’ ho-hum baby name. We wanted something different. Not necessarily a name you’d never heard before- but one that isn’t used so often that when he’s sitting in class and attendance is being called.. 5 other kids raise their hand at the same time.
We both have traditional, boring names. Thomas Michael.. zzzzzzz, Virginia Gail, super zzzz.
Not only is my name boring- but it’s the STATE I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN (and still live in today), so you can imagine the ridicule I received from booger-picking little hellions in school. Thanks Mom & Dad!!
Avoiding ridicule was another important factor.. but somehow kids will always find a way to tease you based on your name. That’s just the way it goes. That doesn’t mean you should name your kid Chlamydia because you ‘think it’s pretty’, or some of these HORRID names I keep hearing in the news where the courts have to step in to change the child’s name (what was it?? Zoola Does The Hula or some ridiculous shit?). Don’t even get me started on celebrity baby names (cough.. Pilot Inspektor.. cough).
It took us a LONG time to come up with a middle name for Holden.. we finally decided on Milo. We both instantly knew that was the name we wanted him to have- and while most of my friends told me they loved it (emphasis on, TOLD ME, who knows what they really think), I certainly did not expect my Dad’s negative reaction when we told him the name..
“It sucks, change it”
Thanks for the support, Dad! Your name is Bruce David.. My brother’s name is Bruce Frederick.. Sorry- but none of that appeals to me. Like I said, ho-hum boring. Those are kind of what I consider ‘dying names’- the ones no one uses anymore because.. well.. they’re old-timey and ugly.
I didn’t let his reaction change my mind whatsoever, but it definitely got under my skin. Didn’t his mother (my grandmother) teach him ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all’?? Maybe he’s finally reached that age where he doesn’t realize what is appropriate and what is inappropriate to say anymore.
After a while, I started to revel in the fact that he disliked my soon-to-be child’s name. It became fun to know that he just couldn’t stand it. Maybe i’m just a glass-half-full kinda gal.
Sure, there are plenty of baby names i’ve heard that I just think are absolutely horrid- but as long as you aren’t naming your kid “ButtFart Turdy McTurdburglar”, “Chiquita”, or the ever popular “Chlamydia”, i’m not going to say anything to stop you.
Your best idea is to just not tell anyone what you’re naming your kid so they don’t have a chance to tell you how much it sucks and ruin the name for you (it’s happened to a few ladies I know). As much as you’d like to share in your excitement of naming your kid “Abarella”, or “Babe” for short- other people may not feel close to the same way about it.
I’m currently revelling in the fact that my Dad is absolutely going to HATE our next child’s name (assuming it’s a girl), and since he’ll be thinking it’s a totally different name up until birth- he won’t be able to say a DAMN thing about it. (cue evil laugh) Gotta love defiancy.
In our current economic state- it’s hard to find the money to pay for certain things we need. Eye wear seems to NEVER be cheap. The price of the frames and the price of the lenses together can sometimes knock us off our feet. I would know, i’ve had to pay for glasses without insurance before, a tough pill to swallow.
Still, eyeglasses is still obviously important, as you need to be able to actually SEE (especially while driving)- so finding the lowest prices is something we could all benefit from.
There’s a company called Zenni Optical (zennioptical.com) that actually has pretty decent prices for eye wear. Single vision glasses at $8.00, to bifocals at $25.00. Not to mention an incredibly wide arrange of frames. Rimless, titanium, metal, plastic.. the list goes on and on.
If I were to get a new pair, i’d totally go retro:
Those are only $19.. that’s about, oh… well over $100 less than I paid when I bought mine from Lens Crafters.
No one should have to go without glasses. I had to do it for a long time because I was so low on money- and it was NOT fun squinting to see everything.
This site would benefit anyone who needs new eyewear but just can’t afford to go to big-chain stores and pay big-chain prices.
'Tis the season to return a gift given to you and have the uncontrollable urge to buy more crap for your kids with the money.
😂😂😂 I never knew we had so much in common pic.twitter.com/Yu4ytvgmOp
Did you know that toothpaste becomes stronger than concrete if left on surfaces for too long? I didn't either. Thanks, kids!
Y'all can keep your creepy little elves- my kids live in fear of the PRESENT PRISON. holdinholden.com/2014/12/the-…
Cut Yourself some Christmas Slack goo.gl/fb/4WVJe2
My day as a parent isn't complete until I've threatened to sell at least one of my children on the black market. Twice. At least.
He only has himself to blame pic.twitter.com/UffL59jSmz