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I get a lot more positive feedback than negative feedback on my blog entries, but like any normal person-the bad comments tend to be the ones that stick with me.
The most common misconception that comes with becoming a first time parent is that you have to completely change who you are or you aren’t a good parent. You can’t have friends, go out at night, drink, have the same sense of humor- and none of that is even remotely true.
Is it harder to do the things you did before having a child? Of course. You obviously have to make adjustments- but to change who you are is not only going to make you miserable, but don’t you want your kids to know the real you? I lost my mother as a teenager, and I can say I would have loved to have known more about her outside as her life as a mom.
You do not have to become a humorless stick in the mud to be a good parent, sure- dead baby jokes may not be funny anymore, but a sense of humor is incredibly important to being able to handle the every day stresses of taking care of a small child. For some reason in my year of being a mommy i’ve encountered quite a few people who think you (or should I say I) shouldn’t be able to joke about your kid, shouldn’t be able to vent.. shouldn’t be able to say anything that isn’t laced with sugar- including a few anonymous commenters here.
If you don’t think my blog is funny, if it isn’t your cup of tea- that’s your opinion and that’s fine.. but if you’d go as far as to call me a bad parent because I don’t sugarcoat parenthood then maybe you should sit down and figure out where you lost your sense of humor. Then go and read ‘Chicken Soup for the Humorless Soul’
No one’s forcing you to be here.
I find it baffling that some people can’t understand that a lot of what I write is laced with sarcasm.. is tongue-in-cheek.. even a dash of exaggeration thrown in there for the purpose of humor. If you don’t get that, you shouldn’t be here.
Being honest does not make me a bad parent, it does not make me a negative person. It makes me human. I see nothing wrong with talking about the rough part of being a parent and making it funny. As i’ve said before: anyone who claims their kid doesn’t at LEAST occasionally get on their nerves is a liar. Afraid to be labeled as a ‘bad parent’ because they don’t have the patience of a Saint.
I love Holden more than life itself but that doesn’t mean i’m going to lie and claim he doesn’t annoy me at times, isn’t whiny, never cries, or is the perfect angel child some people would like others to believe their child is. That wouldn’t be the truth, and if there is one thing I am, it’s honest.
If you can’t find the humor in what I write- that’s fine- but for those saying you ‘feel sorry for Holden’… I feel sorry for you- for you have completely missed the entire point of this blog.
We can love our children and still find them bratty at times, still have a sense of humor. We can love our children and still be honest about how frustrated we get with them. I pity anyone who feels like they can never vent about their children because of how they think it will make them seem to other people.
I’ll say it again- there is NOTHING wrong with venting, feeling frustrated or overwhelmed. You wanna call your kid a bratty turd? I won’t think any less of you.
Would you really want to read a blog full of
“my baby is soooo perfect. We had a perfect day! Butterflies and rainbows and sunshine!”
I wouldn’t. And if that’s what you’re looking for- there are about a billion mommy-blogs just like that for you to go and read and roll around in the sugary-sweetness. That ain’t me. And I would die of boredom writing it.
Could I? Sure. There are plenty of things that make me feel all warm and snuggly throughout the day that Holden does- but that’s not why I write this blog. This blog is meant to be HUMOROUS. It’s meant to be funny, it’s not meant to paint me as a perfect mother- I never claimed to be one.
I will never not be me. I will never take parenting so seriously that I lose everything that makes me me. I will always take the ‘negative’ and make it funny. I’ll always tell the brutally honest truth about babies and being a mom.
Don’t like it? Go somewhere else. Find your rainbow-shitting blog and stop reading mine. Don’t come here and think that you’re going to make me feel like a bad parent by leaving condescending anonymous comments (brave, lemme tell you). Don’t assume you know anything about what kind of parent I am from a blog that’s meant to be funny.
So I don’t write about the warm and fuzzies- that’s not what I like to write about. Get over it.
For those who may be single, in a relationship, preggo, mommies, daddies.. whatever, that read this blog and DO find it funny, DO get the humor, and come back for more? Even if you may not agree with everything I write, if it gives you a chuckle- thanks for reading. I hope I continue to give you laughs based on baby poop and leaky boobs.
Today Holden got hold of a bag of chips and spread them all over the carpet and mashed them while I was washing dishes. By the time I got to him, he had them smeared all over his face, into the carpet, on his clothes.. and just gave me this look of “I didn’t do it!” while shoving handfulls into his mouth.
Did I laugh? yep.
Am I gonna lie and say it wasn’t an obnoxious thing for him to do? Nope!
Evil chip-smearing turdy baby!
After giving birth to Holden, the LAST thing on my mind was getting knocked up again. What was on my mind was the mind-numbing pain coming from all the stitches holding my vagina together, but that’s not the point..
I have a plan.. no more babies until Holden is out of diapers. I’d actually like to wait until he’s in kindergarten so that he gets my full attention until he’s ‘out of the house’ and the new baby would get all of my attention during the day.
That.. and the thought of taking care of two young screaming children terrifies me to the core. I literally think i’d go insane.. Anyways..
Sounds like a good plan, right? I think so.
Regardless of how set in my ways I am, it doesn’t stop me from swooning every time I see a cute preggo walking through the store.. picking out tiny little clothes and grimacing through the diaper and formula section, not knowing which to buy.
And you’d better keep me AWAY from the itty-bitty babies being effortlessly carried through the store while I painfully lug around my 27+ lb one year old.
I start missing the old days. Having that big fat baby belly and having people stare at you and say awwwwww’ (kind of like I do now). Feeling the intense karate kicks from the spawn growing inside your uterus.. Carrying around a teeny-tiny little lump of baby cuteness without losing feeling in your arms or having your back start to hurt after 5 minutes.
Baby fever, in full effect. And once it hits you it is STRONG and unrelenting.
And the feeling doesn’t just go away in the snap of your fingers.. it lasts. Sometimes a few days, sometimes a week. Your crazy once-preggo brain starts thinking how fabulous it would be to make a new bundle of joy. To be able to have a cuddly, bottle-slurping, always sleeping ‘infant’.. because your child is no longer considered an infant, but is now a toddler- and you will never get those days back.
I have a complete lapse of judgement until the thought of stretch marks, contractions, pushing a huge bowling ball out of my snatch, AGAIN, recovery time.. being up ALL NIGHT every night.. OMG will this new baby have reflux? How can I handle two?? Can we even AFFORD another money-sucking formula guzzler?
And then I realize i’m being completely and totally insane and idiotic, and start thanking my lucky stars that my stupidity didn’t take me far enough to utter those 3 words that you can’t ever take back:
“Don’t pull out”
Once those words have been spoken they can not be undone, then you go into the dreaded ‘2 week wait’, and those two weeks are LONG. Full of wondering WHY you ever thought another baby was a good idea, OMG I CAN’T DO THIS and PLEASE let that piss-stick come up negative.
Nope, never got that far.. and I hope to never have a brain lapse that large.
That’s not to say we haven’t had a few ‘oopsies’ (more like.. my period is NEVER regular, leading me to believe every cycle that I could be pregnant, even if the chances are incredibly slim.. because, well.. you have to have sex to get pregnant), which still makes me a pretty big moron because TRUST ME, as nice as another drooling sack of flesh would be..
it will only be nice after another 2…3… maybe 4 years.
Ever wondered what it’s like to have a crazy 1 year old little boy?
Your kid might be the perfect angel, or turn out like one of the Brady Bunch spawns… not in my world.
7:15am– Wake up screaming to high hell… unless i’m in a really good mood- then i’ll just wake up and yell until someone comes and gets me.
7:20am– Scream through my diaper change, for no reason at all.
7:30am– Milk sippy time! Chug until I get tired, and then chuck it half way across the room, pissing both Mommy and Daddy off.
7:35am-8:30am– Crawl all over Mommy, climb up the walls, pulls her hair, snap her bra, try to take face dives off of the bed and watch Fairly OddParents instead of taking my morning nap until Mommy decides she wants to drag her lazy ass out of bed and take me downstairs to play.
8:35am-10:10am– Mommy fell asleep on the couch so it’s time to tear the entire living room to pieces.. and then scream when I get stuck between the couches, or when a toy won’t let me play with it the way I want to, or when I get stuck head first in my toy-bin
10:10am-10:20am– Scream at the baby gate while Mommy makes my breakfast and tells me to ‘GO PLAY WITH SOMETHING!’
10:20am-10:35am– Yay Breakfast! Now I get to throw banana slices and a sippy full of milk at mommy. Even more fun when she gives me yogurt and I wipe my slimy hands all over her.
10:35am-10:37am– scream while Mommy cleans my disgusting face and hands off with a baby wipe.
10:37am-10:45am– Try to hurry and push a poop out while Mommy washes the dishes so she can’t put me on the potty.
10:45am-10:50am- Mommy sits me on the potty anyways. Wiggle, Scream, play with my pee-pee.. rinse & repeat.
10:50am-10:53am– Ugh another diaper change. Screaming, followed by peekaboo with anything I can get my hands on.
10:53am-11:00am– Mommy sticks me downstairs while she checks her dumb computer that she never lets me play with. I would scream… but instead i’ll tear the living room apart again.
11:00am-12:00pm– Mommy sticks me in the baby prison while she rolls around on a huge bouncy-ball and gets all tired. She loves it when I whine.. so I do a lot of that and throw ALL of my toys at her. She throws them back.. I throw them at her again. Fun!
12:00pm-12:05pm– Mommy tries to kick me out of the bathroom while she throws water on her face. I retalliate by tearing my little potty apart.
12:05pm-12:30pm– I get yelled at for whining and tearing the living room apart again while Mommy sits on the couch. When she tries to play with me, I crawl away.
12:30pm-12:33pm– I get stripped naked and sat on the stupid little-potty AGAIN! I don’t know why.. it’s not like i’m gonna end up peeing or pooping.
12:33pm-12:37pm– Finally get changed out of my PJs, scream the entire time just for the hell of it.
12:37pm-1:00pm– Snack time! Goldfish (my favorite) and water. I throw them all over the ground, and then scream to get them back. Why? Because I can.
1:00pm-3:00pm– Nap time, finally. Mommy gets some much-needed quiet time to watch her stupid soap-opera.
3:00pm-3:10pm– Tear the living room apart again while Mommy makes lunch.
3:10pm-3:30pm– Lunch time! I throw my food and beg for Mommy’s.. then when she gives me some I don’t eat it. She does not look amused.
3:30pm-4:30pm– Mommy gives me free reign of the living room! We play, I whine, I play.. then whine some more… maybe take a poop and pee a few times in my pants, play with things i’m not supposed to and cry when Mommy tells me “no!”
4:30pm-4:33pm– Pointless time on the little-potty again. Doesn’t she get it? I’m not gonna use it!
4:33pm-4:36pm– Diaper change. No screaming! Mommy looks happy.
4:36pm-5:00pm– snack time! bananas and graham crackers. More throwing food and wiping my hands on my nice clean shirt.
5:00pm-6:00pm– Normally Mommy would force me down for a nap.. I think she’s finally given up, more play time for me! Which naturally means a lot more whining, and a lot more dirty looks from Mommy.
6:00pm– DADDY’S HOME! DADDY DADDY DADDY DADDY! PICK ME UP! OMG SAVE ME FROM MOMMY I CAN’T STAND HER ANYMORE! DADDY DADDY DADDY!
6:00pm-6:45pm– I get to play with Daddy while Mommy cooks dinner. I end up making him mad, I have NO idea how!
6:45pm-7:20pm– Dinner! Not only do I like to throw food at dinner, I like to smear it in my hair.. put it up my nose.. put it in my lap… wipe it into my eyes…
Does not make for fun clean up, so I scream while I get a full rubdown with a cold wipe.
7:20pm-7:50pm– Play time with Mommy AND Daddy! Maybe push out a little poo-nug.. tear apart the living room for the hundreth time.
7:50pm-8:10pm– Bath time! I make Daddy mad by not holding still long enough to get washed… and by peeing in the water.
8:10pm-8:15pm– Mommy gives me a baby massage. I refrain from whining
8:15pm-8:20pm– Start whining when Mommy tries to get me dressed. She tries to quiet me with my binky.. I throw it.
8:20pm-8:30pm– Bed time sippy and snuggle with Daddy in the dark.
8:30pm-8:45pm– Daddy rocks me to sleep in the rocking chair. Sometimes I pass out, sometimes I scream just so he’ll have to rock me for longer.
8:45pm- ??? ZZZZZZZZ, stir, ZZZZZZ, whine, ZZZZZZZ, stir, whine, cry, binky, ZZZZZZZ
That made me exhausted just typing it out. Never again.
And people wonder why I have no time or energy for bullshit.
I don’t know what’s changed lately, but i’ve been getting more spam-phone calls than ever. About politics, cell-phone plans (from my OWN provider), extending my car warranty, the list could go on forever. Not to mention the pounds of snail mail a week I receive of pointless crap i’ll never use or am not interested in.
What I do know is how sick I am of receiving these phone calls on a seemingly daily basis. Especially when Holden is trying to sleep and the call wakes him up. That has become a huge thorn in my side.
Recently I came across a website/service that will effectively add you to all of the Do-Not-Call, Do-Not-Email and Do-Not-Mail lists.. and you don’t have to do any of the legwork yourself.
Check it out for yourself: Privacy Council
Their main objective is to put an end to all SPAM. Sounds pretty good to me. I certainly don’t want to have to make all of the calls myself, I just don’t have the time for that when i’m trying to deal with an ornery toddler getting into everything.
Privacy Council also has an incredibly informative blog about all of the new SPAM out there whether it be by phone, e-mail, website, pop-up,and snail mail and how to stop it. You can find that right on their main page.
Sit back and let them do the work for you, and reap all the benefits of light mail days and no more telemarketers.
Where you should be spending your Saturday night twitch.tv/holdinholden
How you win at parenting pic.twitter.com/vFxCsfqmh7
The "Best Mom Friend" is like a unicorn. If you have one, tell her THANK YOU. Most of us are stuck w sanctimommies holdinholden.com/2017/09/the-…