Sometimes I swear that babies are all bitten by a radioactive spider, or the womb contains some kind of toxic-waste-like property that makes them have superhuman strength.
I knew I was in trouble while I was pregnant and Holden kicked my insides so hard that I literally could not fall asleep at night.. and like the big baby I am- i’d cry and cry and wonder where he learned karate so early. I never got a freakish hand pushing through my skin like those creepy ass pregnancy pictures you see online (I swear they have to be photoshopped), but it sure felt like any moment he’d bust right through my skin and start tap dancing across the bed with a top hat and cane singing “Hello my baby hello my darlin” like in Space Balls (it was space balls, right? my memory is crap).
Much to my dismay, it was not just a case of having a weak uterus or low pain tolerance- because when Holden was born, i’d literally get bruises on my stomach from him kicking me during diaper changes. Thomas could hear him from the other room making incredibly loud thumping sounds with his heels hitting the (padded) changing table. Or we’d be woken up by him doing the same thing in his crib in the early mornings.
My brother used to compare him to the Commissioner from ‘The Shield’
I was never sure if he meant the actual character from the show, or the character he played in The Fantastic Four.. Holden bore a striking resemblance to both in looks and strength
Now that he’s much older and much bigger- he is MUCH stronger.
His idea of a good time is slapping me across the face like a pimp bitch-slapping an unruly ho. Not cute, and pretty painful.
Of course, I know he isn’t doing it to be mean- he thinks it’s funny and doesn’t know what Mommy means when she says “OUCH!”
I also don’t think he knows his own strength.. at least I hope not. It would be pretty bad if he knew just how hard he hits and still did it for shits and giggles.
As much as I tell him no, and try to show him that he should be gentle.. I just never know when he’s going to snuggle, lick my face, or give me a sharp right-hook.
The worst, by far, are his evil full-fist pinches. I don’t ever see those coming and they are PAINFUL. The other morning I woke up to him leaning over me slapping and pinching my chest, giggling hysterically. I’m dumb when i’m sleepy, so I thought it was cute and let him get away with it.. and walked around with a red chest for a few hours because of it. Do you remember the pinch called ‘the monkey bite’ from when you were younger? It’s like that, but about 5 times worse. Who knew his fat little baby fingers were so strong?
At least if Holden were like The Incredible Hulk and turned green right before he was about to go ape-shit on me, i’d have a warning and be able to duck at the stacking cup being hurled at my face. Unfortunately, I just never see those coming either. I’m surprised I haven’t gotten a black eye yet, but I have had my lip busted by him head-butting me, and a sore eyelid from him dropping the remote control on my face.
I’m just going to keep telling myself it’s a phase.. when really I know all too well that it’s only going to get worse as he approaches the age of 2.
There aren’t too many things I concern myself with when it comes to Holden’s development. I do everything I can to help him progress, make sure he’s eating healthy.. but if you’re a parent you know all children develop at different rates and stressing yourself out over the fact that your kid doesn’t “wave bye-bye” is pointless and will make you crazy… but there is one thing right now that i’m getting pretty frustrated with/worried about.
Holden will literally NOT stop watching TV. It isn’t just a casual glance over at the screen’s direction, but he goes out of his way to walk over to the TV and stand in front of it (about 2 inches away) and stare… and stare… and stare… I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a long trail of drool flowing from his mouth while doing it.
When he was a baby and screamed from reflux constantly, the TV seemed to soothe him at 3am so that I could go back to sleep, and I knew he just liked the bright colors and it wouldn’t rot his little baby brain- and he became uninterested in it once he became more aware of his surroundings.
Now I feel as though he is a complete TV-addict.
I’ll admit i’m probably a couch potato, I leave the TV on pretty much all day for background noise.. or to watch something random here and there, silence in the house drives me crazy. Holden was never really interested until recently. Usually he just plays with his toys- and glances up if he sees Spongebob and then goes back to playing. Now it’s the complete opposite. His toys just get in his way of watching TV. I’ll try and distract him with my keys (which he is obsessed with), and he won’t even tear his eyes away from the screen- just reaches and tries to feel for them.. jingles them a few times and drops them and goes back to staring blankly at whatever is on.
If you get in his way, he will literally push you out of it. If you turn it off, he turns it back on. If you tell him to ‘STOP WATCHING THE TV AND PLAY WITH YOUR TOYS!’, he either ignores you.. or cries, and goes back to watching. I’m about ready to tear my hair out.
I even went as far as to lightly pop his hand every time he turned the TV back on, and you know what he did? Laughed hysterically. I thought he was crying at first, but of COURSE he thought it was hilarious that he was doing something he knew he wasn’t supposed to do.
Today has been by far the worst in his tv-watching habits. It’s literally all he wanted to do. I finally got fed up and turned the stupid thing off.. and then proceeded to go crazy because I had nothing to do but sit there and watch him play. There’s only so much I can play WITH him before my knees start to hurt, or he just wants me to let him be. I suppose I could have used the time to clean… but let’s face it- cleaning sucks. And it might help if my vacuum didn’t spit crap all over my freshly swept floor, so i’m sure as hell not vacuuming until I can figure out how to fix it. I could read… but Holden would see that I was holding a book and want it, and if I don’t give it? Tantrum time.
Once I got fed up with the silence, I did the only thing I could and turned my TV to the 900 channels- music. There’s no flashing images, just a picture and a song playing. Holden was entranced at first, but got bored quickly and actually started playing with his toys again (well.. after turning the TV on and off about 6 times). I, on the other hand, got bored fast. None of the songs I actually wanted to hear came on. Basically I ended up sitting there picking at my nails for an hour, occasionally dancing and trying to entice Holden to do the same, but he knows crappy music when he hears it and declined my offers.
So i’m at a loss of what to do about the TV situation. It’s pretty cute when Holden laughs at Spongebob.. and especially when he laughs at Oprah.. but when he completely zones out and starts rotting his brain away and potentially crapping up his eyes is when I start worrying. Should I stop being selfish and just leave the TV off all day? Probably… but I really don’t think my sanity can take that kind of sacrifice, sorry!
There has to be some other solution… I just haven’t figured it out yet.
and no.. I don’t know why the image below isn’t working, grrrr.
I have always had a shopping addiction. I love clothes, I love shoes.. of course I don’t particularly enjoy spending tons of money- but it comes with the territory.
Add a kid into the mix, and the urge intensifies tenfold. While I still love to shop for myself- most of the time I let that go by the wayside and buy things for Holden at alarming rates.
Of course, babies need a lot more stuff than I ever could. They go through clothes SO fast, and need so many more because of all the lovely mishaps they have throughout the day.. so every time I go shopping I see things I want to buy for him… even if he already has more clothes than he’ll ever wear.
For the most part i’ve managed to keep myself away from the mall and baby stores unless there’s something we absolutely need (like diapers).. but when I get bored there is absolutely nothing stopping me from browsing online (other than myself, and that ain’t happening). It probably doesn’t help that I somehow signed myself up for EVERY mailing list from all the cute baby stores, so every time there’s a sale there’s a shiny new message in my inbox about it- strengthening the gravitational pull towards going and checking them out.
Then I make the promise to myself that i’ll only browse (glutton for punishment).. and then end up seeing 6 or 7 things on clearance that Holden would just look ‘sooooooo cute in!’
Do I buy them online right then? No, i’ve at least managed to keep that urge at bay… but we end up going to the mall and trying to find the same clothes so that we don’t have to pay shipping, and of course we never find the same clothes but end up buying 3 or 4 other things for him anyways.
It’s a vicious circle. Some people can afford to buy their kids tons of clothes.. so many that they could probably wear 2 outfits a day and not run out of clean clothes for 2 weeks- we are not those people. Sometimes I wish we were, and sometimes i’m glad we’re not. Our townhouse has limited storage space as it is-his drawers are pretty stuffed with what we have (most stuff being 24 months… that he can’t wear without swimming in, that he got for his 1st birthday. Yeah, try and find the logic in that, I can’t.) It would still be nice to go on a whim and be able to buy every cute shirt I saw.
Oh well, maybe my kid will just be the dirty kid, ’cause let’s face it- baby clothes are expensive, especially the older they get. He wears pants two times before I put them in the wash (sometimes more.. he’s low on pants, the urge is strong to shop right now). Shirts? One wear. He wipes gunk all over his shirts all day, and has a CRAPLOAD of shirts so it isn’t really necessary to stick him in a crusty one when there’s a clean not as cute shirt in his drawer as much as it pains me to do so.
I think I just need to ignore the “25% OFF BABY CLOTHES!” emails I get from now on. It’s obvious my brain stops functioning correctly as soon as I know there’s a sale going on. My bank account can’t handle any more “OH MY GOD SO CUTE!” impulse buys.
For those of you who have not showered with your baby- you’re seriously missing out!
Since I never breastfed, I never got to experience the ‘bond’ a lot of breastfeeding mothers talk about- in a weird way I think showering gave me that skin to skin contact with Holden that I was missing because I chose to formula feed. Not only that, but it killed two birds with one stone.
Scratch that, three.
Holden got the crusty puke cleaned off of him, I got the shower I so desperately needed, and (as I said), I got skin to skin contact with Holden.
When he was tiny, it was so easy to shower with him. He’d just lay there in my arms and wonder why I was trying to drown him (I wasn’t, of course.. but that’s the face he always made), but soon he grew used to it and even enjoyed it. He’s just like me in the sense that we both love scalding hot water. There were quite a few times where he even got so relaxed he passed right out.
As he got older, he obviously got MUCH heavier and I had to find new ways to hold him while I was showering without him slipping out of my arms and cracking his baby head on the side of the tub. The weight and the fact that he was soaking wet and sliding all over the place on my hip made it incredibly difficult before he could sit on his own.. little did I know that his mobility would add even more obstacles to the process.
The sitting part was fine- i’d just wash him off, sit him on the ground and he’d peacefully play with his toys until Thomas came to get him. Once he started crawling- he wanted to explore the tub and ended up slipping and sliding all over the place like a blind baby snake monster. We immediately went out and bought a non-slip mat to go on the bottom of the tub, but honestly it doesn’t really help very much. Holden is what I like we like to call ‘accident prone.’
Now, with him walking (and honestly ONLY wanting to walk), i’ve considered stopping our showers together… but without our showers I don’t think I would actually be able to take one. There’s just no time. If I take one after he goes to bed, I risk waking him up because of how lightly he seems to sleep these days- and no way am I taking my chances and showering while I leave him downstairs. Who knows what he’d get himself into.
Shower time consists of me holding him for maybe 3-4 minutes trying to wash him off and him battling with me while trying to attack the water spraying out of the shower head (no, Holden, you can’t GRAB water, sorry), or trying to pinch my nip.. or biting my collarbone and shoulder.. or pulling my hair and then trying to eat it.. then he spots his toys hanging in the net, and his little floaty-boat toy he got for his birthday sitting at the back of the tub and immediately wants down. As soon as I put him down, he’s gone. Crawls straight through my legs, gets himself to standing position and starts pulling everything out of his toy-net and throwing them at me.
This is where I start to panic. The net is at the front of the tub, right near the faucet and the drain switch.. and all I can think about is him toppling over and poking his little eye out, cracking his head open.. busting teeth out of his mouth.. all kinds of terrible things that could happen if he were to take a header into them. I don’t know why my mind immediately goes to the morbid, it’s just the way I am I guess.
So I start yelling for Thomas to immediately come and get Holden before he impails himself, and poof, shower time is over.
I think I might just have to shell out the cash and baby-proof the freaking shower. Move the toy net… something so that I can continue mommy-baby-shower-time (and yes, i’ve been peed on many times if you’re wondering, never pooped on… knock on wood!)
I really can’t imagine giving up shower time until the day that Holden is standing there staring at my snatch and says “Mommy, why don’t you have a peepee like mine???”
Vaginas are nifty and all, but I don’t want my kid staring at mine and pointing it out like it’s the cool thing to do.
That day, and the day I walk in on Holden wacking off into a sock.. are two days I wish never to come!
ETA: for those curious, I do not have an orange mullet upon leaving the salon haha. My stylist didn’t even mention the messages I sent her.
I am always glad when Friday rolls around. It means that for 2 full days, I get help during the daytime chasing after Holden, making sure he doesn’t eat foam from inside the couch he’s torn the hell out of, dealing with the random hissy-fits he enjoys throwing for seemingly no reason.. and especially diaper changes.
The sucky thing seems to be that he almost never poops on the weekends- it’s like he saves them for me. Three poops while Thomas isn’t home on the weekdays, so when the weekend comes I expect the same schedule and that RARELY happens. Holden no like poopy for Daddy? Seems to be the case.
I’m super excited for this weekend because tomorrow I get to go and get my hair done. It’s almost the only time I get to get out of the house without Holden, and just relax in silence and the smell of hair dye. It only happens every 6-8 weeks, so I cherish the time I get out. I’m a little nervous this time around.. because of what I posted yesterday (I think it was yesterday, I lost track of the days)- just cross your fingers from me that I don’t walk out of the salon with an orange mullet for crossing my hairdresser!
As much as I look forward to getting ‘me’ time, really the only thing I think about while i’m out is Holden- hoping he isn’t screaming the entire time at Thomas- because Thomas just isn’t home alone with him very often at all.. and while my patience isn’t all that fantastic- i’ve sort of grown used to being able to either deal with the tantrums, or to tune them out and walk away. It’s not that i’m not confident in Thomas as a parent- I just know how incredibly trying Holden can be at times. He loves to test boundaries and do things you specifically tell him not to- and then laugh at you when you pull him away.. or scream bloody murder- never know which reaction it’s going to be.
Normally on the weekends, Thomas being the ever-so generous one, will take Holden downstairs so I can sleep alone for about an hour. Not tomorrow.. somehow I got stuck with an 8:30am appointment. I am NOT a morning person.
So now not only do I have to worry about maybe getting castrated (I know I don’t have a penis) for telling my hairdresser (and friend, as I consider her one) that Obama is NOT the anti-christ, or a radical Muslim overloard… but I get to be grumpy and tired if it happens. Maybe it’s best that way, i’ll just react like “meh, whatever..Overloard.. uh huh, sure…”
Or maybe the fabulous thank you card i’m taking with me for the gift she got Holden for his birthday will distract her. One can only hope.
Regardless, YAY for Friday! And maybe a little yay for Saturday?? We’ll see… after tomorrow I might have to join the Circus depending on what my head looks like after my hairdresser gets through with me.
oh, and P.S.- I think I should be a writer for the soap I watch. I totally called the ridiculous plotline they were serving up days before it happened! I’m positive I could come up with equally as wacky shit (wacky shit that I lap up on a daily basis) as they put on there.
Where you should be spending your Saturday night twitch.tv/holdinholden
How you win at parenting pic.twitter.com/vFxCsfqmh7
The "Best Mom Friend" is like a unicorn. If you have one, tell her THANK YOU. Most of us are stuck w sanctimommies holdinholden.com/2017/09/the-…