My entire life, I have been a dedicated tummy sleeper. Could never get comfortable on my sides, and forget about my back- most uncomfortable position ever.
For the first few weeks of pregnancy, I still attempted to sleep on my stomach.. but it started feeling awkward to me very early on. It may have just been my mind playing tricks on me- “Don’t squish the baby!” types of thoughts.. but I gave up on it rather quickly and became a “left side sleeper” like the OB instructs you to be (better blood flow to the fetus).
Once you become hugely pregnant, you don’t even consider tummy sleeping as a valid option. Obviously it wouldn’t be comfortable to try and sleep on something that sticks out of your midsection like a watermelon. That, and I don’t know that it’s even safe to do so- because then you might actually be able to squish your child.. ok I might be making that up, but you never know.
At the end of my pregnancy, because of my high blood pressure and continuous “contractions”- I was put on restrictive bedrest, a.k.a. pure unadulterated hell. I was told to lay on my left side, all day- and only to get up to go pee and to shower (yeah.. that didn’t really happen). That is when I started to long for my super-comfy nights of tummy-sleeping goodness. It was like the forbidden fruit- couldn’t have it but wanted it oh-so very badly.
It should be obvious that one of the first nights I was home after giving birth, I crawled into bed and rolled over onto my stomach expecting to be in pure bliss… only to be horribly disappointed. Not only could I not get comfortable.. but I was incredibly uncomfortable. I chalked it up to still having a large saggy stomach from where I had just carried Holden for 9 long months and went back to sleeping on my side since I had become so used to it.
Over the next few months, every attempt to sleep on my stomach was equally as disappointing if not more because I kept expecting it to finally be as wonderful as I remembered and it never was. Either it hurt my neck, or my arms fell asleep.. or I felt like I was dislocating my shoulders. Could it be that 9 ‘short’ months of pregnancy changed something I had done my entire life? Sure seems that way. Even 14 months post-partum, tummy sleeping is still ridiculously uncomfortable- to the point where I don’t even try it anymore.
Just another example of pregnancy changing things you never even dreamed it would, seemingly miniscule things… but things that urk your nerves.
What’s even more amusing is that I still sleep with my hands above my stomach like I did while I was pregnant (kind of like how you see vampires in caskets)- I think i’ll always have a phantom preggo-stomach haunting my sleep habits.
Perhaps in a few years after I tear my cooch up popping another kid out- i’ll finally be able to sleep on my stomach again without going dead-armed. A girl can dream.
I can’t write about the rumors on ‘sex after marriage’ as opposed to ‘sex after baby’ because.. well.. I was pregnant when I got married (that’s another story for another blog entry)- so i’ll just stick with what I know.
There are plenty of women whose sex drives are not effected by having a child, i’m sure there are some who have even more sex after pushing the proverbial watermelon out of their snatch- for most of us moms, that’s just not the case.
There are a lot of factors that add to less sex after having a child.
I always saw those TV shows with women claiming they were “just too tired” to have sex- when clearly it was just an excuse not to do it. Once you have a kid- this becomes truth. You literally are just too damn tired to do anything. The thought of sleep becomes much more appealing than doing the dirty. I don’t know about other moms, but I get excited to snuggle up in my warm covers and drift off to creepy-dreamland (my dreams are very very strange since having Holden, don’t know why). It’s funny that as a child I never wanted to go to sleep and now I almost can’t wait for it.
For the first few months of Holden’s life, he slept in a bassinet right next to my side of the bed (yay me!) To me, the thought of having sex with Holden laying right beside me was just too creepy to go through with it. Even after i’d healed from being cut twice to push his fat head out- and the urge was actually strong to have sex, I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want Holden waking up and laying there ‘watching’ his parents bump uglies. While I knew he was just too young to even comprehend what was going on- the thought got inside my head and totally messed with me. I think we may have had sex ONCE with him in the room, I did not enjoy it… and not just because it felt like I was a virgin all over again.
That’s another thing- pain. I’m extremely grateful that my OB didn’t stitch me up looser than a 40-year veteran pornstar.. the fact that she stitched me up so damn tightly seriously effects sex these days. Sadly, I still haven’t gotten ‘used’ to sex. It took me so long after losing my virginity to actually be able to ENJOY it- now it’s as though i’m starting all over again. Feeling like i’m being torn apart any time Thomas and I get down, definitely makes a girl a little reluctant to want to do it in the first place.
Once Holden moved into his room, it was definitely a relief not to feel like beaty baby eyes were watching me all the time… but then the baby monitor started ruining the mood.
Picture this: you’re in the middle of a ‘moment’- things are going well, you don’t feel like your snatch is being torn in half.. and you hear “WAAAAAHHHHH” come billowing ominously through the baby monitor. Instant mood-killer.
You have to stop what you’re doing (unless you want to screw through a baby crying… and that might make you a serious freak (and not in a good way)), HOPEFULLY wash your hands (please don’t touch baby with nether-region fluid covered hands), and do whatever it is you do to get baby back to sleep. No matter how short or long that takes, the moment is officially ruined. It’s hard to get back into it after that. It feels almost forced to jump right back into the swing of things after you’ve soothed an innocent child- dirty even.
It’s even worse when baby just won’t go back to sleep and you have to bring them into bed with you. A bed you were just getting nasty in. A bed you wish you were still getting nasty in.. and instead you’re snuggling up to your crotch-fruit.
I’m so paranoid about it now that I find it hard to enjoy sex, i’m constantly looking over at the monitor just waiting for Holden to cry- and about 8 times out of 10, he doesn’t disappoint. I swear he knows when we’re doing it and is crying ‘pleeeaaaasseeee don’t make me a sibling!’
Even if none of that is a problem for you (i’ve read about girls screwing while their kid is IN BED WITH THEM, or IN THE SHOWER WITH THEM.. ew), the lacking sex-drive may be. A lot of moms I know have problems with their libido. It’s not that you don’t want to have sex, it’s that you don’t want to have sex. How I miss the days of wanting to do it constantly.
I’m sure all of this is a lot harder on Thomas than me. That’s what he gets for knocking me up!
More and more people these days give up on their marriage because it isn’t “perfect” without really trying to fix the underlying problems. If marriage was easy, it wouldn’t be so great. It’s important to remember that it takes work to maintain a healthy open relationship.
The National Institute of Marriage wants people to start asking questions and getting involved in making their relationship a stable one before just throwing in the towel and getting divorced. The national divorce rate today is 50%!
I myself have watched people get married, only to get divorced under 6 months later. They didn’t try counseling to make things better, they just gave up before their marriage ever had a chance.
Marriage is nothing to take lightly, this is you and your partners life and your future together. If you have problems- try to work them out. You CAN have a happy marriage. If counseling doesn’t work- no one can say you didn’t give it your all.
Here is the National Institute of Marriage’s press release, it explains things better than I can!
“With the national divorce rate around 50%, there is no doubt that many marriages run into communication problems at some point. There is a communication epidemic. The National Institute of Marriage has created marriage counseling programs and resources utilizing a structure that is the most powerful format they have found for helping couples who feel stuck and hopeless. They have designed several programs to help couples move past the barriers and experience the marriage of their dreams.
NIM’s Intensive Marriage Counseling Programs are unique from weekly marriage counseling in three distinctive ways:
· Intensive Marriage Counseling Format: Committing to an extended amount of concentrated time like the 2 or 4 day Marriage Intensive allows people to get to the root of the problem and stick with it in order to work through it. If you’ve been in traditional marriage counseling before, you may have experienced how you spend the first half catching up from the week before, the second half getting into the real issues, and then the time is gone. The Intensive format is designed so that people have the chance to go deeper without many of the other distractions of daily life and have enough discuss to consider solutions.
· Efficiency: One of the first steps in the process is an extensive assessment with some questionnaires. This allows the therapists to gather background information and can get an idea of the best strategy to proceed before you arrive for your session.
· Marriage Counselors: The counselors at the National Institute of Marriage are specialists in this area. One analogy we like to use is that of the Mayo Clinic: people go to their regular physician but may be sent to a specialist to work with specific areas. The NIM marriage therapists have been trained in this format to maximize its effectiveness. Also, the NIM marriage counseling programs provide the perspectives and insight of two professionals rather than one.
If you are considering divorce, you must try the National Institute of Marriage before giving up. They have developed a continuum of care that meets couples wherever they may be in their relationship. Regardless of the health of their marriage they have a service that can help couples improve their marital satisfaction. Visit their website at http://www.nationalmarriage.com. Read the incredible testimonies from the couples that saved their marriages by attending a Marriage Intensive at the National Institute of Marriage.”
Do it for yourself, do it for your spouse.
There is really only one reason why i’d avoid hanging out with other moms, and that is the awful game of baby comparing… or ‘one-upping.’
(my friend wrote a blog on this a while back, I thought i’d expand.. plus it’s urking my nerves as I write this so it’s fresh in my mind!)
Whenever you get a group of moms together, regardless of the child’s age.. there will always be at least one mom who feels the need to compare her child to yours. And not only compare- but brag and exaggerate about their child’s abilities while making you feel like your kid is a useless lump of flesh drooling in the corner. And whether you buy into any of it, it’s bound to get under your skin.
I’d like to believe that mothers who choose to compete in the “Baby Olympics” aren’t doing it with malicious intent.. but some women just go above and beyond and get totally ridiculous about it, as though they’re trying to make you feel as though your child just isn’t as smart or talented as theirs. It’s possible they’re just trying to compensate because their child just isn’t all that special.. or they were the dumb kid in school, but it’s most likely just to get attention.
Here are some examples:
Of course, all of those are exaggerations.. and if anyone said anything remotely similar to any of those to me i’d have to laugh in their face- but even the tiny little baby boasting urks me. Yes, it’s normal and great to be proud of your child’s accomplishments- sometimes bragging is even ok.. but when you try to shit all over the ‘lesser’ accomplishments of another child is where the line between ‘normal mommy’ and ‘evil twat mommy’ gets crossed.
I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again- all babies progress at different rates. Even reading what milestones your child ‘should’ be reaching at a certain age will drive you bananas because they may not necessarily do things when websites say they should. It’s good to keep track, it’s bad to go crazy over what someone else’s child is doing compared to yours (I would know, i’ve done it, and have to supress the urge constantly). I’ve gotten to the point where I avoid baby comparing at all costs because it’s just so freaking irritating. I will not be e-flexing about Holden in the Baby Olympics against other whacked out mommies any time soon.
You wanna claim your 13 month old is cutting their own steak with a knife and carefully sipping water from a wine glass, all after a long day performing surgery in the OR? Go for it, but all you’re getting from me is an eye-roll, not a pat on the back.
As you know (if you’ve been following this blog), i’ve been ‘fighting the fat’ on my stomach since giving birth to Holden. I’ve tried all kinds of different diets, different kinds of workouts, basically everything I can imagine to try and get rid of stubborn belly-fat.
That is when I came across the Flat Belly Diet.
Developed by the editor of Prevention Magazine, it is a diet that doesn’t require you to kill yourself working out. It is based on eating mono-unsaturated fats at every meal. By following this diet, you could lose up to fifteen pounds of stubborn belly-fat in 32 days.
Sounds easy, right? That’s because it is.
The best part is, right now Prevention Magazine is looking for recruits to try the “Flat Belly Diet” free of charge, and to blog about their experience with it. Eligible participants will receive the “Flatt Belly Diet” book for free, a 1-year subscription to the “Flat Belly Diet” webpage, and exclusive membership to the Success Stories club.
So not only do you get a diet that is relatively easy to follow (and allows you to eat dark chocolate), but you get tons of goodies to go along with it.
Give it a shot, i’m checking it out right now.
What you REALLY need to make Holiday (or ANY) Travel Bearable goo.gl/fb/1BdFtj
Other moms: I finished Christmas shopping for my kids in June! Me: pic.twitter.com/FT3tlWGWd2
@CJPendragon learn something new every day!
@WeberWriting Absolutely. It takes a bit of time and juggling but it is 100% doable. Just have to ignore the sanctimommies of the world
Don't feel bad for tossing frozen chicken strips in the oven and calling it dinner. Don't even feel bad if you don't turn them over. holdinholden.com/2016/05/shit…
To the piece of crap who broke into my car over the weekend- You think you found nothing of value to steal, but you actually took with you the nasty head cold my family has been passing around in that very vehicle for the past week. Enjoy, scumbag! xoxo, Germ Infested SUV
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"