For those of you who have not showered with your baby- you’re seriously missing out!
Since I never breastfed, I never got to experience the ‘bond’ a lot of breastfeeding mothers talk about- in a weird way I think showering gave me that skin to skin contact with Holden that I was missing because I chose to formula feed. Not only that, but it killed two birds with one stone.
Scratch that, three.
Holden got the crusty puke cleaned off of him, I got the shower I so desperately needed, and (as I said), I got skin to skin contact with Holden.
When he was tiny, it was so easy to shower with him. He’d just lay there in my arms and wonder why I was trying to drown him (I wasn’t, of course.. but that’s the face he always made), but soon he grew used to it and even enjoyed it. He’s just like me in the sense that we both love scalding hot water. There were quite a few times where he even got so relaxed he passed right out.
As he got older, he obviously got MUCH heavier and I had to find new ways to hold him while I was showering without him slipping out of my arms and cracking his baby head on the side of the tub. The weight and the fact that he was soaking wet and sliding all over the place on my hip made it incredibly difficult before he could sit on his own.. little did I know that his mobility would add even more obstacles to the process.
The sitting part was fine- i’d just wash him off, sit him on the ground and he’d peacefully play with his toys until Thomas came to get him. Once he started crawling- he wanted to explore the tub and ended up slipping and sliding all over the place like a blind baby snake monster. We immediately went out and bought a non-slip mat to go on the bottom of the tub, but honestly it doesn’t really help very much. Holden is what I like we like to call ‘accident prone.’
Now, with him walking (and honestly ONLY wanting to walk), i’ve considered stopping our showers together… but without our showers I don’t think I would actually be able to take one. There’s just no time. If I take one after he goes to bed, I risk waking him up because of how lightly he seems to sleep these days- and no way am I taking my chances and showering while I leave him downstairs. Who knows what he’d get himself into.
Shower time consists of me holding him for maybe 3-4 minutes trying to wash him off and him battling with me while trying to attack the water spraying out of the shower head (no, Holden, you can’t GRAB water, sorry), or trying to pinch my nip.. or biting my collarbone and shoulder.. or pulling my hair and then trying to eat it.. then he spots his toys hanging in the net, and his little floaty-boat toy he got for his birthday sitting at the back of the tub and immediately wants down. As soon as I put him down, he’s gone. Crawls straight through my legs, gets himself to standing position and starts pulling everything out of his toy-net and throwing them at me.
This is where I start to panic. The net is at the front of the tub, right near the faucet and the drain switch.. and all I can think about is him toppling over and poking his little eye out, cracking his head open.. busting teeth out of his mouth.. all kinds of terrible things that could happen if he were to take a header into them. I don’t know why my mind immediately goes to the morbid, it’s just the way I am I guess.
So I start yelling for Thomas to immediately come and get Holden before he impails himself, and poof, shower time is over.
I think I might just have to shell out the cash and baby-proof the freaking shower. Move the toy net… something so that I can continue mommy-baby-shower-time (and yes, i’ve been peed on many times if you’re wondering, never pooped on… knock on wood!)
I really can’t imagine giving up shower time until the day that Holden is standing there staring at my snatch and says “Mommy, why don’t you have a peepee like mine???”
Vaginas are nifty and all, but I don’t want my kid staring at mine and pointing it out like it’s the cool thing to do.
That day, and the day I walk in on Holden wacking off into a sock.. are two days I wish never to come!
ETA: for those curious, I do not have an orange mullet upon leaving the salon haha. My stylist didn’t even mention the messages I sent her.
I am always glad when Friday rolls around. It means that for 2 full days, I get help during the daytime chasing after Holden, making sure he doesn’t eat foam from inside the couch he’s torn the hell out of, dealing with the random hissy-fits he enjoys throwing for seemingly no reason.. and especially diaper changes.
The sucky thing seems to be that he almost never poops on the weekends- it’s like he saves them for me. Three poops while Thomas isn’t home on the weekdays, so when the weekend comes I expect the same schedule and that RARELY happens. Holden no like poopy for Daddy? Seems to be the case.
I’m super excited for this weekend because tomorrow I get to go and get my hair done. It’s almost the only time I get to get out of the house without Holden, and just relax in silence and the smell of hair dye. It only happens every 6-8 weeks, so I cherish the time I get out. I’m a little nervous this time around.. because of what I posted yesterday (I think it was yesterday, I lost track of the days)- just cross your fingers from me that I don’t walk out of the salon with an orange mullet for crossing my hairdresser!
As much as I look forward to getting ‘me’ time, really the only thing I think about while i’m out is Holden- hoping he isn’t screaming the entire time at Thomas- because Thomas just isn’t home alone with him very often at all.. and while my patience isn’t all that fantastic- i’ve sort of grown used to being able to either deal with the tantrums, or to tune them out and walk away. It’s not that i’m not confident in Thomas as a parent- I just know how incredibly trying Holden can be at times. He loves to test boundaries and do things you specifically tell him not to- and then laugh at you when you pull him away.. or scream bloody murder- never know which reaction it’s going to be.
Normally on the weekends, Thomas being the ever-so generous one, will take Holden downstairs so I can sleep alone for about an hour. Not tomorrow.. somehow I got stuck with an 8:30am appointment. I am NOT a morning person.
So now not only do I have to worry about maybe getting castrated (I know I don’t have a penis) for telling my hairdresser (and friend, as I consider her one) that Obama is NOT the anti-christ, or a radical Muslim overloard… but I get to be grumpy and tired if it happens. Maybe it’s best that way, i’ll just react like “meh, whatever..Overloard.. uh huh, sure…”
Or maybe the fabulous thank you card i’m taking with me for the gift she got Holden for his birthday will distract her. One can only hope.
Regardless, YAY for Friday! And maybe a little yay for Saturday?? We’ll see… after tomorrow I might have to join the Circus depending on what my head looks like after my hairdresser gets through with me.
oh, and P.S.- I think I should be a writer for the soap I watch. I totally called the ridiculous plotline they were serving up days before it happened! I’m positive I could come up with equally as wacky shit (wacky shit that I lap up on a daily basis) as they put on there.
For a long time (well, even since Holden was born), I have always wanted to start selling things on Ebay. Whether it be clothes I will never fit into again (cue whining here), Baby clothes Holden’s grown out of… toys.. etc etc. There’s so much stuff I have, that i THINK I could sell, but I really just have no idea how to do it.
So many women I know have had incredibly success selling things on Ebay. They’ve told me I need to “bundle” baby clothes that aren’t the super expensive brands (Old Navy would be a type to bundle, Baby Gap you can sell piece by piece), which blows my mind because… not all stuff from Old Navy is exactly cheap.
I just feel so lost when it comes to Ebay. I’ve bought things tons of times, never sold anything though. There’s just so much to learn- and so much to worry about.
Say I bundled 12 items from Old navy together, and started the bid at .99 cents (as was suggested I do), and those 12 items only sell for $5.00 total? I’d be sad, TWELVE ITEMS for 5 dollars! I think that’s what’s holding me back- worrying about not making nearly enough for what i’m selling… but I suppose it’s better than throwing the clothes away, or giving them away for free (which i’ve done many times, money would be nicer!)
I guess if I never try selling on eBay , i’ll never know- I just need to get off of my butt and do it. If everyone else has had such success, I think I should be able to as well. My pocket could really use the help.
I don’t know about you- but my idea of a good poop is being able to sit back, relax, take my time and let it just… come out on its own. Pooping is no fun if you have to rush, grunt and try to squeeze it out under pressure- you’ll end up giving yourself some wicked hemorrhoids that way. I don’t know that I have any (i’m one of those people who just doesn’t want to know, and refuses to check), but I can’t imagine that a punching bag filled with blood hanging from your anus doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun to me.
Once your baby becomes mobile- you can kiss pooping alone goodbye. When they’re still little lumps of baby, you can strap them to a bouncy chair and run to the toilet while they whine. You might rush a little- but not nearly as much as when they can chase after you.
You might not understand it if you haven’t lived through it… but trust me, once it’s gone- you might just shed a tear.
Pooping now, is like pooping in a war zone. If I try to lock Holden out of the bathroom- he either screams until I open the door.. or suddenly i’m getting scratched on the foot by razor sharp baby nails from him reaching under the door and trying to grab me.
Letting him in is even more fun. The downstairs bathroom (where we spend most of our days.. not in the bathroom, but downstairs duh) is tiny.. we’re talking a toilet and a pedestal sink, and you can wash your hands in that sink while you’re dropping the kids off at the pool, small. So with me trying to relieve myself, Holden comes wandering in and tearing dirty stuff out of the toilet- trying to play with my va-jay.. pulling at my pants.. trying to hang like a spider-monkey from the sink, or falling and hitting his head on the wall because there’s just no room to move.
Knowing all of that makes me have to rush to finish pooping so he doesn’t end up eating crusty-booger tissues from the trashcan or giving himself yet another bruise on his (according to my dad) huge bulbous head. And why is it that babies don’t care how bad your poop smells? He has never once retreated from a stinky bathroom. I know we can all deal with our OWN horrid poo-smell (well, y’know, unless you’re REALLY sick and then you can’t even stomach your own and you have your nose turned towards the cieling trying to find the ‘fresh air’ but can’t).. but when it comes to OTHER peoples ass-demons? No way. Not my kid, he’s totally fine with getting a huge whiff of mommy-poop.
You might ask, “Why not poop in another bathroom? Don’t you have one?”
Yes, yes I do.. but the other bathroom is upstairs. Leaving Holden downstairs alone is never a good idea. I’ve tried it.. he got stuck in between our two couches and started tearing things off of the side table, and screaming when he realized he couldn’t get himself out. When you hear loud heavy things falling to the floor- and you’re upstairs trying to take a huge dump in peace… you end up grunting and pushing like you’re giving birth all over again. That is NEVER a satisfying feeling.
There has been many a time where I just gave up halfway through a poop to go and deal with Holden… that has to be the absolute worst.
Sure, I can poop in peace once Thomas gets home and can wrangle Holden away from the bathroom door.. but it’s just not the same. By then I have an entire day of unsatisfying poop under my belt (no, i’m not one of you weirdos who only poops every couple of days!), and nothing can make that feeling go away- not even the biggest poop in the world.
I really need to stop using Myspace, it really has become a breeding ground for stupidity and exaggerations.
Today my hair stylist posted a bulletin claiming that Obama is the ‘Anti-Christ’. It wasn’t something she wrote, just copied & pasted. I am in no way calling her stupid ( I actually like her a lot as a person), but c’mon.. people REALLY believe he’s the freaking anti-christ? ppssshh
Anyways, I wrote back to the bulletin and said “I voted for Obama, but thanks for the amusing read!”
Harmless, right? Maybe not. This is the woman who dyes and cuts my hair.. one wrong move and she could give me an orange mullet.
Let’s just hope she doesn’t take it as an insult. I should really learn to bite my tongue but sometimes I just can’t help myself. THE ANTI-CHRIST? I mean.. really.. come on now.
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8
When you think your kid is done telling a story and you're finally free but they immediately start telling another pic.twitter.com/zM5gtwNCnj