Just call me the Grinch. I really don’t enjoy the holidays.
I like giving gifts to people, when I actually have money. Receiving gifts is okay too… but for the past few years it’s been things like matching performance fleece, a purse I would never use because it’s just ugly, or a target gift card that I end up spending on Holden. I suppose I should just think that ‘it’s the thought that counts’- but it’s hard not to get disappointed that you’re in adulthood and the holidays don’t seem to hold the same joy they used to.
Thanksgiving seems to be cursed for me. Every year I get violently ill. One year it actually landed me in the ER after vomiting 30+ times and having the ER doctor tell me I was going to die. He was joking… I didn’t see the humor.
I honestly think it’s germy little kids putting their sticky fingers in all of the food and passing it on to me. They puke under the table during dinner, I puke once I get home. FUN!!
Last Thanksgiving Holden was only 2 months old, so really he just sat around in his bouncy chair and stared off into space… or cried- it alternated between the two. Now that he’s walking and falling flat on his face at least 10 times a day I was worried about him getting trampled by his fast unruly cousins, so Thomas and I made the executive decision to go to my Pop pop’s for Thanksgiving. Trading out the chance of Holden getting trampled for a two hour car ride (both ways) that he’ll most likely scream the whole way through… might just turn out to be an even trade. Had to pick the lesser of two evils I guess. Once we actually get there he should be alright, lots of room to run around- not as many other small children, and my Pop pop seriously knows how to cook a turkey. I spent every Thanksgiving (and Christmas for that matter) there growing up, so it will be nice to go back. Holden doesn’t get to see my Mom’s side of the family that often and he really likes them.. so hopefully it will work out well. Or.. he could scream the whole time. One never knows how Holden will react.
I guess on the positive side- Thomas has a four day weekend, so that means I get help chasing Holden around the house for those days. Yay me! We’ll inevitably get on eachothers nerves though, it’s unavoidable. And Holden doesn’t nap when Thomas is home… ugh, nevermind- it might not be a positive after all.
We can’t put up a Christmas tree because a) the cats will eat it and then puke it back up all over the house and b) Holden will eat it and… well.. puke it back up all over the house. He’d most likely pull it down ontop of himself too. So no decorations here.
I like buying him things, but he could honestly care less. He’s not old enough to really get into the holiday spirit. I guess that’s fine- because i’m NOT looking forward to the days where he’s begging me to buy him a $600 game system because ‘moooooommm everyone else has one!’.. or some ridiculous toy that he plays with once and gets bored of and ends up playing with the box instead.
To top it all off, Thomas has to work Christmas-Eve day.. and that is when my family has decided to have their Christmas get-together. I honestly can’t imagine celebrating Christmas without Thomas. Moreso, I can’t imagine being the one to chase Holden around all day.. having to lug his crap by myself to my Dad’s house, and even more crap home (most likely bath toys, even though Holden has more than he’ll ever play with- i’m going to put my money on that’s what is filling up his stocking).. I am just not excited. I’m actually dreading it.
To really put the icing on the cake that is the beginning of the holiday season- I got a call from my bank earlier tonight saying there were fraudulant charges on my debit card. Awesome! Someone tried to use my card to buy $100 worth of money to play Texas Hold’em. They didn’t even use a semi-believable name to do so. “Mod Mod”, c’mon now- be a little more creative than that! Thank God my bank had just sent out new debit cards with different numbers.. and I had yet to activate mine, so I don’t have to wait to have a debit card to use. That’s pure LUCK right there.
If it doesn’t snow and ice, I might be a little happier. More than anything I hate snow. I hate cold. I hate wind. I think I hate weather in general. Just let it be sunny and 70 constantly.
Is spring here yet??
Never have I considered myself what people would call a ‘traditional parent.’ Hell, I probably do and say things that would make Mary Poppins roll over in her make-believe grave (everyone’s a critic!) Thomas and I have always done things our own way, taking bits and pieces of what we like from what we’ve seen others do and applying it to our parenting style. So far, it’s worked out really well (in our opinions, and those that know us personally anyways).
There’s one thing that I think a lot of people might take issue with and that would be cursing. I know personally a lot of parents who don’t curse at ALL around their children- as to stop them from repeating the naughty 4-letter words in embarrassing situations.
Thomas and I are not those parents. It’s not a lack of self-control, it’s that we see the whole ‘potty mouth’ situation differently than other people.
Do I want to be washing Holden’s mouth out with soap for years? Of course not… but to me- never cursing around your child is sort of like never letting them eat ANYTHING with sugar in it. Once they discover this wonderful, off limits treasure- they crave it so badly just because they can’t have it.. and end up sitting in the closet stuffing their faces with candy and looking like Augustus Gloop from ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.’
Does this mean i’m going to over saturate Holden with filthy-words? Of course not! What it means is that i’d rather have him know what a ‘bad word’ is, and that it isn’t appropriate to say- then accidentally one day hearing me say “Oh shit!”, and instantly slapping my hand over my mouth- and then having Holden repeating it over and over for the rest of the day because it’s something new and intriguing and naughty. Bart Simpson syndrome. ‘Mommy made a big deal over this word.. I don’t know what it means but now i’m going to say it ALL THE TIME!’
Trust me, I know plenty of parents vehemently disagree with my stance here- and i’m okay with that. I’m not raising your kid, so you have nothing to worry about. I might even be setting myself up for disaster but I really don’t think so.
It’s sort of like when kids color all over the walls because they know it’s a no-no. It’s all about teaching right from wrong, good from bad, and instilling that in them at an early age. I never colored on the walls, because I knew it was wrong.. and because I just had no interest in it. I had paper, what do I need a wall for? That, and I didn’t want to get my bare ass spanked.
I remember watching the show “The Osbournes” and thinking.. how cool that their kids can speak openly and freely with them. While you may not think they’re the perfect example of parents given the family’s drug history (which I think has a lot more to do with fame than parenting)- it’s still a good example of a tight knit, open family.. which is exactly what I want.
They’re words, and the more value you GIVE them (ie; freaking out when you accidentally say fuck infront of your 2 year old)- the more they’re going to have. Treat them like any other word, and they lose value and become uninteresting.
Now, before the more conservative moms go into a total fit- let me clarify that I am NOT going to be teaching Holden curse words. That would just be ridiculous. It’s never fun to have your two year old walking around dropping F-bombs all over the place (although.. i’m pretty sure the first few times I will have to laugh)- but if I happen to go on a 4-letter word spree in front of him.. I definitely won’t be freaking out because of the ‘influence’ it might have on him.
I’m all about choosing my battles. Curse words? Meh. I’m more concerned that he’ll be pissing in his closet, or swinging the cats around by their tails.
Since I mentioned ‘baby talking’ yesterday, I figured it would be the perfect topic to write about tonight being that it’s pretty fresh on my mind.
To me, baby talking your kid is the equivalent of feeding them paint chips.
How exactly is “awww wittle beeebeeeeee booboo poo pooooo” helping your child to mentally grow? That’s not how I want Holden conversating with me once he’s actually able to. It’s fine for talking to dogs, maybe they think you’re stupid for doing it as they cock their head to the side and raise their eyebrows in confusion- but they’re never going to learn to speak in any language other than BARK, so what does it matter really? Babies are eventually going to learn actual language, so why impede that by talking jibber-jab to them? It might seem silly to try and have fully intellectual conversations with them (although I get a kick out of it), but isn’t it sillier to talk to them like they’re a puppy?
From all i’ve read, studies have proven that infants respond better to higher pitched voices- so it makes sense to talk to them in a voice that sounds like you’ve been sucking helium- it doesn’t make sense to talk to them like a voice that’s sounds like it’s sucked helium after being hit by a baseball bat.
I have always been anti-baby talking. I can’t stand when people do it to Holden, but to save myself from conflict I just bit my tongue. I knew Holden wouldn’t be around the people that do it enough to really dumb him down- but that doesn’t mean it didn’t get under my skin. I’ve also noticed it’s really only the older generation that still baby talks. I’ve yet to meet someone around my age who talks to Holden like he’s the family pet.
The older Holden gets the lower my tolerance gets for people baby talking him. He understands real words, maybe not all of them- but i’m surprised in how much he DOES understand.. so when someone walks up to him and starts spewing baby talk out of their mouth like diahrrea I have to clench my fists. I really want to say something, but i’m not sure how without sounding like an anal bitch. Just TALK TO HIM LIKE A HUMAN, he is one after all! Don’t click at him, don’t ‘beeebeeeboobooo lalalala’ at him- if it doesn’t make sense to you.. it doesn’t make sense to him. For all you know, what he’s saying could actually make sense in his toddler-brain, and you jibber-jabbering back is like speaking Russian. He doesn’t get it!
Maybe I should construct a sign and post it outside our front door that says “baby-talking free zone, violators will be prosecuted”.. or hell, make him a shirt that says it so it’s portable and EVERYONE knows not to do it no matter where we are.
I look forward to the day where someone bends down to Holden and starts baby-talking him and he backhands them across the face and says “Cut that crap out! Who do you think you’re talkin’ to??”.. knowing Holden, the ‘crap’ will probably be a ‘shit’- but I digress.
In my ‘close’ circle of friends- I am the only one with a child. I think I may be the only one even interested in having children, hell- you might say i’m the only one who even likes children.
It’s not as bad as it sounds, though there are more down sides than up.
I can’t tell you (unless you already know what it’s like) how funny it is to watch how my friends interact with Holden. Some act like he’s a fragile piece of glass- any little fall and they jump out of their chairs freaking out like he’s going to die. It’s expected to be shocked when you haven’t been around a baby very often if ever, and they fall and conk their head on the floor to think the world is about to end- but it’s still hilarious to see the look of fear in my friends’ eyes. Hilarious and sweet at the same time. Even though they loathe children, they love my little stinky… or they say they do anyways. And the even more shocked look on their face when they realize that I really don’t even bat an eye (unless it’s a very bad fall).
A lot of my friends, I think assume that all children are disgusting blobs of filth. Sure, Holden is crusty sometimes when I just can’t get all the ridiculously stuck-on food off of his face.. but I wouldn’t call him dirty or gross (although his sweaty little baby hands attract hair and lint like nobody’s business). Holden goes walking up to them and they fear touching him at all, as though their hands will instantly get covered in baby shit or drool. The drool thing might be a semi-valid fear, but Holden keeps his stinkies pretty well contained.
I do have to warn my friends that Holden bites- and to watch your thighs or his mouth will latch on and not let go. And that he thinks it’s hilarious when you try to stop him.
The thing that I absolutely love about these friends- is that they talk to Holden like he is a human and not a freaking puppy. No baby talking, ever. I plan on writing a blog about all of my thoughts on baby talking- but I can tell you now that I absolutely HATE it.
Instead, Holden jibber jabs his weird baby language and they act like they’re having a ‘real’ conversation with him.
“Ticka ticka ticka blaabeblabababa”
“Is that so? What else?”
He eats it up. I think he’s at that age where he really wants to be an adult and do everything Mommy and Daddy do, and my friends give him exactly what he’s looking for.
On a good day, I think Holden might be able to convince my friends to at least keep an open mind about their futures containing children. On the bad days when we have company- I can totally picture them going out and buying chastity belts or even getting their shit stitched closed so there’s no chance of ever having a child outside of Immaculate Conception.
It would be an exaggeration if I said that before I got pregnant, I could drink a boatload of alcohol without puking my guts out- but I was definitely not a puss. I can remember having at least 4 drinks before getting to the ‘falling on my ass’ stage of drunken behavior.
No-brainer: as soon as I found out I was pregnant I quit drinking on the spot. Nine long months of no drinking wreaks havoc on your alcohol tolerance. I expected it, tolerance has to be built.. and no drinking means I had to go back to square one.
Now, I don’t drink all the time. Only on the weekends, and only after Holden is tucked into bed and fast asleep.
When Holden was about 5 days old, we all went out to eat and I had a very large margarita. In the past, it might not have even phased me, especially when my tummy is full of burrito and tortilla chips- but I was pretty tipsy. The good tipsy. I was in a fabulous mood and thought to myself ‘it can only go up from here!’
I would have been right if by ‘up’.. I was referring to puke coming up from my stomach.
Not every tipsy since then has been the good tipsy. If I even think about having more than two drinks I might as well consider my dinner null and void because I will be tasting it again later on the way out. Some nights are even less than that- I never know when a sip I take will be my last and i’m telling Thomas “drink this..because if I do i’ll hurl.”
I should probably consider it a good thing to be a cheap drunk. It doesn’t take as long to feel fuzzy, and I don’t have to choke down very many of Thomas’ concoctions that he calls mixed drinks. And these days, i’m not looking to get completely hosed- it’s definitely not as fun as it used to be. Especially when you know that you have to be able to drag your ass out of bed the next morning to take care of someone who can’t take care of themselves- that’s enough to stop you from drinking yourself into a coma.
That, and pooping all day the next day instead of throwing up like my stomach would rather me do… well, it doesn’t stop me from drinking- but it probably should. My poor butt!
I love how almost every one of my blogs gets ‘poop’ as a tag. That never gets old!
What you REALLY need to make Holiday (or ANY) Travel Bearable goo.gl/fb/1BdFtj
Other moms: I finished Christmas shopping for my kids in June! Me: pic.twitter.com/FT3tlWGWd2
@CJPendragon learn something new every day!
@WeberWriting Absolutely. It takes a bit of time and juggling but it is 100% doable. Just have to ignore the sanctimommies of the world
Don't feel bad for tossing frozen chicken strips in the oven and calling it dinner. Don't even feel bad if you don't turn them over. holdinholden.com/2016/05/shit…
To the piece of crap who broke into my car over the weekend- You think you found nothing of value to steal, but you actually took with you the nasty head cold my family has been passing around in that very vehicle for the past week. Enjoy, scumbag! xoxo, Germ Infested SUV
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"