Poo fright

Have you ever been in a public restroom alone, sat down to pee, had someone else walk in and suddenly just not be able to tinkle? You concentrate and try to push that pee out, but nothing happens because your bladder suddenly gets shy due to the fact that someone else might be able to hear your stream hit the water?
It’s happened to me too many times to count. Not like I really care about peeing when someone else is in the room but can’t see me- when you gotta go you gotta GO.. and i’m not one of those girls that slips a squeaky fart out as soon as I start peeing- so there’s really nothing too embarrassing about it. My bladder disagrees, it seems to have stage fright.

Holden seems to have a case of ‘Poo Fright.’ This week is the first week where he’s actually pooped in his mini-potty (YAY!), but there are conditions that come along with his bowel movements. You can be in the room, you can be sitting two feet from him.. But the one thing you can NOT be doing is looking at him while he’s trying to push a turd out.
I’m still in the ‘honeymoon phase’ of Holden pooping and/or peeing on the potty, so of course when I hear him start to grunt I get super excited and look over at him.. in return I get the look of death ‘Don’t look at me while i’m POOPING!!!’ and he stops all bowel movement. As soon as I stop looking at him, he resumes happily pushing.

I can totally understand not wanting someone staring you down while you’re trying to rid your colon of crap- although Holden definitely does not understand the concept of embarrassment yet (obviously, he loves running around naked from the waist down with his peep dangling for anyone and everyone to see).

I guess I should just thank my lucky stars that potty training is moving along swimmingly (almost literally, HAH!), and that Holden finally seems to actually enjoy potty time, and understands that i’m not just sitting him on a plastic torture device for me own personal enjoyment.

Definitely doesn’t look like torture to me.

To go a tad off topic, this weekend is the first time Thomas has actually been home to witness Holden go #2 on the potty, and I don’t think he quite believed the absolute disgustingness that is cleaning baby turds out of a mini-potty. He probably thought I was exaggerating.
So being the awesome wife that I am, when Holden dropped a deuce and Thomas was around- I announced HE would be the one to clean it up while I went to get Holden a potato chip as reward.
And what did I hear coming from the bathroom? “OH MY GOD! EWWWW, THE SMELL!!!! THIS IS DISGUSTING!”
Ahhh, the sweet smell of satisfaction.

I think having to clean out the mini-potty is the ONLY downside to potty-training i’ve encountered so far. Everything else is pretty fabulous. That, and the potent smell of baby shit wafting through the air downstairs. Two words: It lingers.

Posted on December 6, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment

Shopping! Again, I know.

I can’t get enough. The internet just lures me in to shopping, it’s inevitable.

There are far too many websites online that I love to browse but would never actually buy anything from- but I know SO many people who would, so I share.

If you’re looking for Police gear, 5.11 Tactical Knives , vests, clothing, backpacks, hats… lapolicegear.com is the place to go. I don’t know what your husbands likes- but if they’re super macho dudes, this might be the perfect site to do their Christmas shopping on.

Oh, I see cute jackets! And intense boots.

Never know what you might find- wouldn’t hurt to check it out!

Posted on December 6, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment

No Experience Required, Just common sense

Before Holden came along, I had ZERO experience with babies. Not a single tiny minuscule bit. As a child, I didn’t like other children, so I never babysat. Never changed a diaper. I think I fed my baby cousin a bottle ONE time, that was the extend of my ‘experience.’
Hell, before Thomas and I actually started dating (instead of messing around like a bunch of morons), I didn’t even WANT children.

Whoever said that when it’s your OWN children it’s different, was exactly right. I still can’t stand other small children (usually the ones around the ages of 3-6), with Holden it’s just different. I always laugh at my friends who say “I don’t EVER WANT CHILDREN”.. because I know someday they’ll find themselves in a precarious situation where a piss strip has two pink lines and they’re shit out of luck. Anyways, that’s not the point.

I’m not sure why it’s an assumption that it takes a lot of experience to be a ‘good parent’- that those who have had hundreds of hours babysitting will make better ones than those who haven’t.. In my opinion it just isn’t true. It may make someone more prepared for what’s to come (blow out poops, projectile vomit, etc etc), but not necessarily BETTER. I’ve had babysitters who sucked at taking care of me.. so the theory is flawed.

What it takes is a shit load of patience and regular old common sense. And in my case, a hell of a lot of googling.

When you first bring your child home from the hospital (assuming you have no other children to go off of), everything is new and confusing. The first diaper change might be kind of confusing “Which side is the front? Where the hell does this sticky tab go? How tight am I supposed to fasten it?” But it’s all relatively easy to get the hang of. You fall into your own groove. And no ONE groove is the ‘right’ groove. The world would be a strange place if we were all raised exactly the same.. and who doesn’t love a good ‘crazy family’ story every now and then?

If there’s any dire questions you must have answered, trusty Google will always be there to help you out. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure a baby out- although, with a baby, confusion is never far behind.
There are things I still haven’t figured out.. like.. Why does Holden eat lint off of the floor? Why does he poop in a brand new diaper? Why does he throw his sippy across the room and instantly want it back? Why does he instantly go for the cat’s tail and not some other part?
The list could go on and on, but that just comes with the territory.

Of course, there are some people who I think just should NEVER EVER procreate- but I won’t go into that. What i’m trying to say is any person with common sense can take care of a baby. You just have to WANT to take care of someone. It’s tedious, time consuming, and sometimes (ok.. a lot of times) downright frustrating.. but if crazy drugged out hippies from the 70’s can do it (ahem: Mommy)- you can too.

Aww, look at me, being all motivational.

Posted on December 5, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 8 Comments

Toddlers can not be trusted

Toddlers are evil diabolical geniuses. Planning and plotting your downfall. Have you seen ‘Family Guy’? Small children are just like Stewie, with a dash of Cartman from ‘South Park’ thrown in for good measure. Rubbing their chubby little hands together and giggling as you run around after them and pick up toys they’ve flung across the room (probably at your face).

Today Holden got me all excited and jumping up and down and giving him a cookie because he took a pee in the potty. Then he wowed me again later by peeing and pooping in the potty minutes after I sat him down (his normal routine is to make me wait about 15 minutes before doing anything, if he decides to do anything at all). This was all part of his plan. Once he pushes his nuggety turds out, he says to me “Done!” (which sounds more like ‘duh,’ but I know what he means). So I ask him, “are you done pooping?” and he replies “Done! Done! Done!”
So, I pick him up off the potty, make a huge deal about his poop and pee while trying not to gag, clean out the potty and wipe down his butt and give him a potato chip for being such a good boy.. and then put a diaper on him.
Not five minutes later, he’s running around downstairs and this putrid smell comes wafting across the room and offends my nose. I look over at Holden, who is grinning like a madman and I just KNEW what he had done. Pooped in a fresh diaper right after pooping on the potty. Lifts me up and then slams me to the ground! I cursed the sky and changed him again. Evil little child.

Toddlers simply can not be trusted! They lie, steal, and cause an enormous ruckus.. mostly just to get attention. Maybe to just make you look stupid. You never know what’s going on in that round little head of theirs.

And then he spilled my tea all over the floor.. for the second day in a row. Which he thought was totally awesome until I locked him in his playpen with no toys. Take THAT!
I’m fighting poop with fire.

Maybe Babies are not human at all. Their evil little aliens implanted in your uterus, hell-bent on making your life totally insane. They have hidden cameras and video tape your every ridiculous move, making short movies of the stupid faces you make at them to hear them laugh.. and then transmitting it on a show on their evil baby planet called “Stupid Human Tricks.”

Posted on December 4, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment

Breaking the Binky

Picture this: You go to the store to pick up some things and see a child who you swear must be over 2 years old walking around sucking on a pacifier. How does that make you feel?
For me: horrified.

Never did I want Holden to be a ‘binky baby,” in fact, I tried to keep him off of the binky for as long as possible. Then the nights of constant screaming came along and the only thing I could think to do to stop him from crying (after i’d tried everything else) was to pop a pacifier in his mouth. Instant gratification for the whole family. He would happily suck away, and Thomas and I saved our sanity (and saved ourselves from being strangled by one another out of frustration).

The days where his reflux acted up the worst, I swear he must have been sucking on his binky for the majority of time he was awake. Nothing else seemed to make him happy- and when baby isn’t happy, no one is happy.

Worrisome mommy that I am, I always felt guilty about giving him the pacifier to make him happy. I didn’t want it to be a crutch, I didn’t want him to think he NEEDED it in order to be happy, or in order to sleep.

The happier Holden got over time (as the reflux faded), the less he needed the binky. I’m sure he would take it if I gave it to him- but I started to hide it so it just wouldn’t be around for him to reach for. We’ve gotten him to the point where he only uses it at nap time and bed time now.
This obviously still poses a problem.

Thomas and I would like Holden to be OFF of the binky by 2 years of age- but I have a feeling it’s going to be a pain in the ass because it’s just become an integral part of his sleeping ritual. When he wakes up in the middle of the night screaming- pop a binky in and he literally flops back over in his crib like a dead fish and goes back to sleep.

So what happens when we go cold-turkey and make him ‘quit’ the binky? Will he have withdrawals like an alcoholic? Will he just NOT sleep? I don’t even want to imagine the long sleepless nights of Holden crying because he wants to be sucking on something while he sleeps. And the whole “cry it out” method.. it doesn’t work for us, we tried- it ended in Holden working himself up so much that he vomits all over himself. I fear it being like having a newborn again- constantly having to rock a screaming child back to sleep.. except Holden is a 27 pound (Thomas swears he’s 32 lbs, I don’t believe it!) toddler and not a 7 pound newborn.

Do they have Binky Addicts Anonymous for children?
“Hi, my name is Holden.. and i’m an addict. I can’t sleep without my binky! Mommy and Daddy won’t give it to me! I just need ONE MORE SUCK! PLEASE! LET ME SUCK MY BINKY!”

Of course, what has to be done just has to be done. As i’ve said MANY times before, there are many unpleasant things that come along with being a parent.. and the last thing I want is Holden running around sucking a pacifier just because he can at 2+ years of age. The thought alone makes me cringe. Binkies, in my opinion, are for BABIES and not CHILDREN. If you can avoid them altogether- you’re golden.

It’s better than having him sucking his thumb though- ’cause you can’t take a thumb away. I mean.. you CAN.. but you risk getting CPS called on you… and your kid will most likely end up sucking a different finger anyways.

Posted on December 3, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 6 Comments