A day in the life of Holden

Ever wondered what it’s like to have a crazy 1 year old little boy?
Your kid might be the perfect angel, or turn out like one of the Brady Bunch spawns… not in my world.

7:15am– Wake up screaming to high hell… unless i’m in a really good mood- then i’ll just wake up and yell until someone comes and gets me.
7:20am– Scream through my diaper change, for no reason at all.
7:30am– Milk sippy time! Chug until I get tired, and then chuck it half way across the room, pissing both Mommy and Daddy off.
7:35am-8:30am– Crawl all over Mommy, climb up the walls, pulls her hair, snap her bra, try to take face dives off of the bed and watch Fairly OddParents instead of taking my morning nap until Mommy decides she wants to drag her lazy ass out of bed and take me downstairs to play.
8:35am-10:10am– Mommy fell asleep on the couch so it’s time to tear the entire living room to pieces.. and then scream when I get stuck between the couches, or when a toy won’t let me play with it the way I want to, or when I get stuck head first in my toy-bin
10:10am-10:20am– Scream at the baby gate while Mommy makes my breakfast and tells me to ‘GO PLAY WITH SOMETHING!’
10:20am-10:35am– Yay Breakfast! Now I get to throw banana slices and a sippy full of milk at mommy. Even more fun when she gives me yogurt and I wipe my slimy hands all over her.
10:35am-10:37am– scream while Mommy cleans my disgusting face and hands off with a baby wipe.
10:37am-10:45am– Try to hurry and push a poop out while Mommy washes the dishes so she can’t put me on the potty.
10:45am-10:50am- Mommy sits me on the potty anyways. Wiggle, Scream, play with my pee-pee.. rinse & repeat.
10:50am-10:53am– Ugh another diaper change. Screaming, followed by peekaboo with anything I can get my hands on.
10:53am-11:00am– Mommy sticks me downstairs while she checks her dumb computer that she never lets me play with. I would scream… but instead i’ll tear the living room apart again.
11:00am-12:00pm– Mommy sticks me in the baby prison while she rolls around on a huge bouncy-ball and gets all tired. She loves it when I whine.. so I do a lot of that and throw ALL of my toys at her. She throws them back.. I throw them at her again. Fun!
12:00pm-12:05pm– Mommy tries to kick me out of the bathroom while she throws water on her face. I retalliate by tearing my little potty apart.
12:05pm-12:30pm– I get yelled at for whining and tearing the living room apart again while Mommy sits on the couch. When she tries to play with me, I crawl away.
12:30pm-12:33pm– I get stripped naked and sat on the stupid little-potty AGAIN! I don’t know why.. it’s not like i’m gonna end up peeing or pooping.
12:33pm-12:37pm– Finally get changed out of my PJs, scream the entire time just for the hell of it.
12:37pm-1:00pm– Snack time! Goldfish (my favorite) and water. I throw them all over the ground, and then scream to get them back. Why? Because I can.
1:00pm-3:00pm– Nap time, finally. Mommy gets some much-needed quiet time to watch her stupid soap-opera.
3:00pm-3:10pm– Tear the living room apart again while Mommy makes lunch.
3:10pm-3:30pm– Lunch time! I throw my food and beg for Mommy’s.. then when she gives me some I don’t eat it. She does not look amused.
3:30pm-4:30pm– Mommy gives me free reign of the living room! We play, I whine, I play.. then whine some more… maybe take a poop and pee a few times in my pants, play with things i’m not supposed to and cry when Mommy tells me “no!”
4:30pm-4:33pm– Pointless time on the little-potty again. Doesn’t she get it? I’m not gonna use it!
4:33pm-4:36pm– Diaper change. No screaming! Mommy looks happy.
4:36pm-5:00pm– snack time! bananas and graham crackers. More throwing food and wiping my hands on my nice clean shirt.
5:00pm-6:00pm– Normally Mommy would force me down for a nap.. I think she’s finally given up, more play time for me! Which naturally means a lot more whining, and a lot more dirty looks from Mommy.
6:00pm– DADDY’S HOME! DADDY DADDY DADDY DADDY! PICK ME UP! OMG SAVE ME FROM MOMMY I CAN’T STAND HER ANYMORE! DADDY DADDY DADDY!
6:00pm-6:45pm– I get to play with Daddy while Mommy cooks dinner. I end up making him mad, I have NO idea how!
6:45pm-7:20pm– Dinner! Not only do I like to throw food at dinner, I like to smear it in my hair.. put it up my nose.. put it in my lap… wipe it into my eyes…
Does not make for fun clean up, so I scream while I get a full rubdown with a cold wipe.
7:20pm-7:50pm– Play time with Mommy AND Daddy! Maybe push out a little poo-nug.. tear apart the living room for the hundreth time.
7:50pm-8:10pm– Bath time! I make Daddy mad by not holding still long enough to get washed… and by peeing in the water.
8:10pm-8:15pm– Mommy gives me a baby massage. I refrain from whining
8:15pm-8:20pm– Start whining when Mommy tries to get me dressed. She tries to quiet me with my binky.. I throw it.
8:20pm-8:30pm– Bed time sippy and snuggle with Daddy in the dark.
8:30pm-8:45pm– Daddy rocks me to sleep in the rocking chair. Sometimes I pass out, sometimes I scream just so he’ll have to rock me for longer.
8:45pm- ??? ZZZZZZZZ, stir, ZZZZZZ, whine, ZZZZZZZ, stir, whine, cry, binky, ZZZZZZZ

That made me exhausted just typing it out. Never again.
And people wonder why I have no time or energy for bullshit.

Posted on October 27, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 8 Comments

Sick of spam? I know I am!

I don’t know what’s changed lately, but i’ve been getting more spam-phone calls than ever. About politics, cell-phone plans (from my OWN provider), extending my car warranty, the list could go on forever. Not to mention the pounds of snail mail a week I receive of pointless crap i’ll never use or am not interested in.
What I do know is how sick I am of receiving these phone calls on a seemingly daily basis. Especially when Holden is trying to sleep and the call wakes him up. That has become a huge thorn in my side.

Recently I came across a website/service that will effectively add you to all of the Do-Not-Call, Do-Not-Email and Do-Not-Mail lists.. and you don’t have to do any of the legwork yourself.

Check it out for yourself: Privacy Council

Their main objective is to put an end to all SPAM. Sounds pretty good to me. I certainly don’t want to have to make all of the calls myself, I just don’t have the time for that when i’m trying to deal with an ornery toddler getting into everything.

Privacy Council also has an incredibly informative blog about all of the new SPAM out there whether it be by phone, e-mail, website, pop-up,and snail mail and how to stop it. You can find that right on their main page.
Sit back and let them do the work for you, and reap all the benefits of light mail days and no more telemarketers.

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Posted on October 26, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment

The things we do for our kids…

There are disgusting things we have to do as parents that we know before getting in to the whole having a child thing. Wiping poopy baby asses, getting peed and puked on, having food thrown at us.
We do them all without even thinking twice out of love.. and.. well.. because if we don’t- we’ll have to sit and listen to a screaming child until we do. It’s better just to suck it up and get it over with.

Then there are the things that blindside us as parents. Things we NEVER imagined we’d have to do. Horrible, gag-inducing nightmare worthy things.
Sucking two inch long boogers out of a screaming infants nose? Super fun. Having them squirm until you accidentally poke them and cause a nose bleed? Even better.
How about when your baby is the spit-up-guru, and while you think you’ve checked every spot to clean it off of them.. somehow you miss the folds in their fat little neck, causing the spit-up to essentially curdle. It is honestly one of the worst smells i’ve ever encountered, and turns their neck red like a freaking yeast infection. Yummy.
Bloody diaper rash. Need I say more?

As i’ve mentioned before, Holden, Thomas and I have started traveling down the path to the holy grail- a potty trained child.
I won’t lie and say that i’ve been completely dedicated to it (as in, sitting his bare ass on the mini-potty every 30 minutes), partly because he can’t walk and I think it would be easier if he could take HIMSELF to the toilet… and partly because i’m just lazy. There, I said it.
Still, i’ve been occasionally taking him to the potty to get him acclamated to the idea since he has shown NO interest in the past in using or even sitting on the thing (a.k.a, screaming when I plop him down). I don’t want to terrify him of using the bathroom.. so it seemed like the smart way to go.
Slowly, he’s begun to get used to being on the toilet, but still isn’t using it.

All the books say you’re supposed to KNOW when you’re child pisses and poops. I have a pretty good handle on when he goes #2, but either he beats me to the punch and craps himself before I can get him to the potty.. or I get him to the potty right around poopy-time and he just doesn’t go. It’s almost as if i’m scaring the shit right back into him.
Today was the second day in a row of getting poop-fright. Except today, he was literally grunting and pushing so Thomas and I KNEW he had to go when we stuck him on the potty.
As usual, he freaked out and didn’t go.
So now he had a huge mutant turd building up in his colon that he desperately needed to pass.. but since he’d waited so long, the poop got stuck.

Where am I going with this and what does it have to do with the disgusting things we have to do for our kids? Oh, you just wait. I’m getting there.

Upon getting Holden off of the toilet- we realized that one of the reasons he’d been screaming bloody murder all day was because of how constipated he’d become from not shitting when he was supposed to.
Unfortunately, this was not the first time this has happened to us (don’t remind my husband of that, I think he has nightmares).
With this realization, along with the fact that I seriously don’t think we could handle one more minute of Holden screaming regardless of what he was doing.. We decided there was only one option:
We had to make him poop.

In the past, suppositories just didn’t do the trick. The only thing that works… is literally forcing the poop out of him.
What do I mean by literally?
Finger. In. Butt.

Don’t let me fool you. I’m not the one taking these invasive measures. It’s all Thomas. I can’t stomach having my finger in my kid’s anus massaging the shit out of it. Thomas is the poop-hero of this story.

This time was much worse than usual. Usually, a little rectal stimulation does the trick.. but not this go-round. The poop ball stuck in his butt was so big from not pooping that it literally wouldn’t budge without… how do I put this.. reshaping the poop while it was stuck so Holden would be able to move his bowel without tearing his poop little anus.

Who ever thought they’d go into parenthood and have to literally pull poop out of their kid’s ass? We certainly didn’t. That’s love right there, people.
I most certainly would never do that for anyone but Holden (yeah, I know, i’m not the one who did it. I guess if I HAD to…. I might).

And for the record, no, Thomas’ poopy finger isn’t coming anywhere near me until he’s scrubbed it like an OCD sufferer.

Posted on October 26, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 1 Comment

In Case of Emergency…

God forbid anyone reading this blog ever finds themselves in a situation where their home or business is on fire.
I’ve always felt that it’s better safe than sorry, especially when you have a family to protect, so taking the measurements to ensure your home is protected in case of emergency is incredibly important.

If you’re in the process of building your home or business, take a time out to think about fire-proofing the building.
For over 50 years, KBS has been one of the leaders in finding new and better ways to safeguard and protect buildings from fire. They can create a customized plan to help better manage your new home or building from exposure to fire. In fact, their entire motto is that it’s better to prevent a loss than to recover from one afterward- which is so incredibly true.

Take a few moments to peruse their products to help fireproof your new home or business. A few minutes is much less than months, or even years of trying to rebuild after losing everything in a fire.

With products than span from KBS Sealant, which is a joint filler and can be used internally and externally and can help protect against toxic gas, to KBS Industrial Coating, which can be brushed on to bundles of wires to delay the spread of fire and short-circuiting.. KBS has products to fit all of your needs when it comes to fireproofing.
Easy to use and effective, and so important.. take some time out to look through KBS‘ products.

You can’t ever plan for the unexpected.. but you can prepare for the worst and prevent total loss by fireproofing your home or business today with products from Kbs_logo

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Posted on October 26, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment

Sometimes I think my kid is special

Special… as in.. ‘Do you think he’s been eating paint chips?’

I have no issues with admitting Holden is a weird little kid, but some of the things he does makes me raise an eyebrow and give thought to the fact that he may one day be the child who sits in the back of the classroom eating chalk and banging his head on his desk.

Could it be another one of my many irrational fears? Probably… but if you have kids, can you honestly tell me you haven’t wondered the same thing from time to time?

Take the way he ‘dances’ for instance. Imagine Stevie Wonder playing the piano, swaying his head back and forth.. Then imagine a 1 year old doing that with a huge dopey grin on his face. It’s cute, and it makes me smile, but in the back of my head i’m thinking he’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket.

Do all toddlers eat weird things? Sure. Holden goes out of his way to eat lint off the floor.. to eat styrofoam peanuts out of a shipping box. If you kill a fly and it falls to the ground- he makes a bee-line for it (see that? I made a funny!). You can’t give him a book.. or he’ll tear it apart… with his mouth.
He licks shopping carts.. he licks people, he licks the sliding glass door and laughs about it. He also bites everything.. HARD.

He laughs at commercials that are NOT meant to be funny. Maybe he just has a terrible sense of humor- but I don’t think I could give birth to an un-funny stick in the mud without there being something terribly wrong.

His first non-baby word was BUNGHOLE. That’s right.. bunghole..
and no one in this house uses insults from the 90s. No clue where he got it from, but I think the fact that he calls random strangers at Wal-Mart “bunghole” is pretty telling in itself.

Maybe my kid is just strange… goofy..
but if he can eat flies, lint, paper and other random inanimate objects- he could definitely eat paint chips and turn into a drooling Stevie-Wonder dancing weirdo.

Posted on October 25, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments