Author: Holdin' Holden


Peeps

If you’ve been reading this blog, you should know by now that by “Peep” I don’t mean that brightly colored disgusting ball of marshmallow goop posted above.

That’s right, by “Peep”, I mean PENIS. or more specifically, baby penis. Something I never thought I would have to deal with (since I desperately wanted a little girl), and was not prepared with all that comes along with it.

Once I found out Holden was a boy, immediately I become totally creeped out. Why? The thought of his little baby peep rubbing all over my uterus. Trust me, I know it’s a weird thing to think about, but when you’re pregnant you’re crazy- and you think about crazy things. That is my only explanation for that one.

The decision on circumcision was a no-brainer for Thomas and I (a lot of people relent over it). I have never seen an uncircumcised penis in person, nor do I ever want to.. and I certainly didn’t want to be pulling back foreskin to clean the head all the time- or teaching Holden to do so once he got old enough. I’ll pass on the pig-in-a-blanket thank you!
Did I feel bad about 1 day old Holden getting his peep skin cut off? Sure, no one wants their child to be hurt- but it’s better to do it before they can remember it.

Since I was on bedrest in the hospital, I never saw Holden’s uncircumcised penis.. I never even got the chance to change a diaper until I got home, needless to say I was very squeamish about seeing his pained little peepee in all its’ glory. The only thing the doctors really tell you is to put petroleum jelly on the head to help in healing, make sure their PENIS DOESN’T STICK TO THEIR DIAPER (ewww, horrifying!), and so the feeling of cold air on something that’s been so warm all the time doesn’t hurt them.
His ‘wound’ from the circumcision wasn’t as nasty as his creepy black umbilical cord stump, so I quickly got used to dealing with his peep and it healed pretty quickly.

What I was not prepared for? Two main things:

Baby boys get erections. Obviously not for the same reasons as adult males.. but they get them- and they’re creepy. And you’d better watch out when the peep starts perking up at full attention, because you’re about to get pissed on. I didn’t think i’d have to deal with Holden getting any kind of boner until I inevitably walked in on him masturbating into a sock during puberty.

It gets worse..

I started noticing that Holden’s peep was looking.. well.. funny. There was no definition of a head anymore. Just a lot of skin, and a tip. My brother, who has a son 6 months younger than Holden was visiting one day and during a diaper change I happened to ask him if he thought Holden’s peep looked weird (i’m sure this story would completely embarrass Holden) and he replied that it did in fact look funny. That’s when I realized that something definitely was wrong with Holden’s peep.

Immediately I asked a girl on the mommy-board I post on who is a nurse what was going on.. and she told me something that has most likely scarred me for life:
Holden’s circumcision had reattached.
I had no idea it was POSSIBLE for that to happen. It’s actually very common. When doctors do circumcisions, they don’t want to cut too MUCH skin.. so they leave a little excess for baby to essentially ‘grow into.’ It makes sense I guess.
Apparently I was not being firm enough at diaper changes with this excess skin.. and it proceeded to.. well.. adhere to itself. Are you cringing? I am.

Even more disturbing was the action I had to take in order to fix this situation. I had to take Holden’s poor little peep between two fingers on one hand.. and tear the skin down with the other. The thought made my stomach turn- but the last thing I wanted for Holden was to have a disfigured penis because I was too much of a pussy to fix something I myself had let happen in the first place.
So I did it. And I could feel the skin pulling apart. Like pulling two pieces of tape apart. Holden didn’t flinch one bit- but the job wasn’t done. I had to do it again to fully get the skin un-attached. He wasn’t so pleased this next time, it even bled a little. Broke my heart, but I was so happy his penis looked normal.

Happy until it re-attached again… and then again one more time after that.
Being extra firm, was not firm enough. You have to be MEAN with the excess skin, as much as you want to be gentle.. you just can’t be.

Do I regret having a circumsicion done on Holden? Hell no. I’m just glad he didn’t have to have ANOTHER one done due to me not being mean enough to his peep (yes, that happens too).
Am I still creeped out by his baby peep? Sure am. Penises are weird enough to look at in adult-form. Mini-penis with excess skin trying to pee on you is doubly weird. Like a mutant pinky finger. That pees.

Posted on November 17, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment

I always wanted a Mitsubishi-Evo

Don’t ask me why.. But something has always attracted me to the super-charged Mitsubishi Evolution.
I could only afford the Lancer (about 20k less expensive to be exact), but I still admire the Evos from afar.

I’ve actually looked into upgrading my car, although I know I don’t have the money to ever actually go through with it- it’s nice to browse. I dream about being able to blow other cars away with a turbocharger, blow-off valve.

If you can actually afford to upgrade your car and are looking for a good website to find parts from- check out http://www.turbochargerpros.com/
They have just about everything you could ever need to give your car that extra kick, along with a full warranty.
Unfortunately they don’t carry much for my car online at this moment, which is probably a good thing because I won’t want to actually buy anything being that I don’t have any extra cash for it.

Posted on November 17, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment

Zero Tolerance for BS

Let’s rewind to a few years ago- before even THINKING about becoming pregnant. You could say I was kind of a pushover. Ok, a total pushover. I hated confrontation, disagreements, arguing- the whole shebang. I went out of my way to completely avoid it altogether and in the process, people decided it was easy to walk all over me and unfortunately for the most part I allowed it. I’ve never been a big fan of drama, although i’ll admit that I love gossiping like an evil high school bitch.

Now that I have a child who is in need of basically constant attention and a lot of coddling- I have zero tolerance for BS from other people. It just isn’t there. Things I would put up with before just don’t fly with me. Rumors, drama.. just people being downright immature and ridiculous. Don’t bring that crap to me, you’ll get answers you don’t want to hear!

I sort of feel like i’ve becoming the ‘nagging mom’- only not to my own kid, but to everyone else.
Allow me to stand back and wag my finger at you and tell you that you “just shouldn’t be doing that, it’s time to grow up!”.. maybe throw in a ‘little missy’ for good measure. I am one of the oldest out of my friends, and the first in my ‘inner-circle’ to get married and have a kid.. not to mention that most of my friends have the “Peter Pan Complex” and just don’t want to grow up- so that makes me the old lady of the group at 24 years old.

I just have no patience to coddle people. I’ve always been honest, just not as upfront and blunt as I am now and i’ve found that a lot of people just can’t handle me telling them that their deadbeat boyfriend is a piece of crap and they deserve better (who knew?!)

Most of my friends have learned not to come to me for advice unless they REALLY want the truth, and not glossed-over BS that’s going to make them feel better even though it isn’t even remotely what I really think.
It’s definitely made my life more peaceful, that’s for sure. Sometimes I miss the glory days of all the girls in the bathroom, one obviously crying and black eyeliner streaming down her face… but then I remember how stressful and annoying it was and how much trouble I got myself into, and I know that i’d rather deal with a screaming child ANY day. At least he doesn’t talk back (yet).

On a sidenote- Holden tinkled a little in the potty today, YAY! And by a little.. we’re talking 5 drops at most. It’s progress though!

Posted on November 16, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 6 Comments

Stranger Danger!

Long ago are the days where Holden would freak out if anyone he didn’t know extremely well got in his face.

I actually kind of miss those days (only kind of), because it kept creepy strangers away from him. Well.. actually..come to think of it- not really.
For some reason, complete strangers think it’s totally okay to get in your baby’s face and goo-goo and ga-ga and even touch them. Even when Holden would crumple his face and stick his bottom lip out- he’d get an “awwww” instead of “ok, I better go away now.”
The weirdest thing is holding your baby over your shoulder and suddenly hearing “GEEE GEE GOOO GOOO BOOO BOOOOO AWWWW WITTLE BAAAABBYYYY!” coming from behind you, and realizing it’s a 90 year old woman trying to coax a smile out of your horrified crotch-blossom.

Holden went through stranger anxiety pretty early. From about 1 month-4 months old, he couldn’t stand ANYONE but Thomas and I, and on occasion my brother. Anyone who even looked at him would get screamed at. Even the SIGHT of another baby would send him into a full meltdown. The only acception was going to eat at Chinese restaurants. Holden was in pure heaven. He would smile and coo and we’d hear “what a big baby!”
I get the sneaking suspicion that Holden will end up dating only women of Asian descent.

He has now turned a whole new leaf- he seems to love everyone. His favorites are incredibly old hunchbacked women, anyone who happens to be Asian, and girls around 5 years of age (he’s like his Daddy, likes older women I guess). I can’t count the number of times he’s flirted with an old lady and she’s said to him “you wanna come home with me??”- he may not fear strangers, but I sure do. He even reaches out trying to grab random people as they walk by- as if to say “TAKE ME! MOMMY WON’T LET ME EAT LINT!”

I’m sure in a few months he’ll be absolutely terrified of everyone but Mommy and Daddy again. I know I was ridiculously shy… well.. until my late teens, the worst when I was under 10. While I hope Holden doesn’t have social anxiety like I did, I do hope he grows out of wanting to go to everyone under the sun. His lack of stranger anxiety makes mine that much higher. I don’t need to get any crazier, i’ve filled my quota!

Posted on November 15, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments

My ovaries might just explode

One reason I really miss being pregnant: no period. I have almost always had incredibly BAD cramps. I consider myself to have a pretty decent pain tolerance, and some months I would double over in pain due to my ovaries wanting to burst.. but nothing, and I mean NOTHING compares to post-pregnancy period cramps.

It literally feels like someone taking their hand, shoving it into my uterus and squeezing as hard as humanly possible.
My cycle is so whacked out (always has been, again, even more-so since giving birth) that I never have any idea when my period is even going to come, so it was an unpleasant feeling to wake up this morning and immediately want to curl up into a ball and die.

Of course, I also happen to be fresh out of midol.. and we all know tylenol doesn’t do a damn thing to help- so I knew i’d be miserable all day. If the weather had been better, i’d have made a run to the store to get some.. but running out in the rain with a heavy baby and bad cramps didn’t appeal to me at all.

I also made a very bad decision to work out despite the pain my stomach was in, only because I knew i’d be guilty later if I didn’t… i’d rather have the guilt. Doing reps of over 5 kinds of crunches when it already feels like your lady-parts are in a vice grip? Not smart. I should have done what any other respectable woman does on her period- eat chocolate. Sure, my stomach might be upset and i’d poop it out a few minutes later (I won’t even go into period poops), but at least I wouldn’t have intesified my cramps ten-fold.

I would have liked to just slept the day away- that obviously isn’t an option with a 1 year old running around tearing the living room to pieces… so I did the only thing I could do: Turned on Spongebob.
Did I feel bad about rotting my kids brain? Yeah kind of… but I didn’t think I had any other option. I had zero energy to try and entertain him while listening to 80’s music and I knew Spongebob would preoccupy him (he loves that weird yellow bastard). Surprisingly, he didn’t stare at the screen for as long as I thought he would.. but he did constantly make pit-stops while running around to stare blankly for minutes at a time.

By 6 o’clock in the evening, I was feeling so sick I thought I might actually throw up- so Thomas getting home was an absolute Godsend (Holden was also screaming because I wouldn’t give him my sweet tea). He took Holden to the store and I dozed off on the couch.. only to be awoken to Holden trying to tear my nosering out of my face. Awesome.

The only positive is that my period is about a day shorter than it used to be (YAY ONE DAY!!!!).. so I know it will be over in a few days and I can go back to chasing Holden around and watching him ‘dance’ to Ah-Ha and Lionel Richie, and falling over because he loses all balance while shaking his head around like he’s special.

Right now I still feel like dying.. and am looking forward to being pregnant again (in a few YEARS) because I won’t have to deal with getting my period for 9 months.
Sure, i’ll have ‘morning’ sickness- that shit is nothing compared to the ovarian-hell of passing a freaking egg through your fallopian tubes. Who knew something microscopic could cause so much pain?

Posted on November 14, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments