Before Holden came along, I had ZERO experience with babies. Not a single tiny minuscule bit. As a child, I didn’t like other children, so I never babysat. Never changed a diaper. I think I fed my baby cousin a bottle ONE time, that was the extend of my ‘experience.’
Hell, before Thomas and I actually started dating (instead of messing around like a bunch of morons), I didn’t even WANT children.
Whoever said that when it’s your OWN children it’s different, was exactly right. I still can’t stand other small children (usually the ones around the ages of 3-6), with Holden it’s just different. I always laugh at my friends who say “I don’t EVER WANT CHILDREN”.. because I know someday they’ll find themselves in a precarious situation where a piss strip has two pink lines and they’re shit out of luck. Anyways, that’s not the point.
I’m not sure why it’s an assumption that it takes a lot of experience to be a ‘good parent’- that those who have had hundreds of hours babysitting will make better ones than those who haven’t.. In my opinion it just isn’t true. It may make someone more prepared for what’s to come (blow out poops, projectile vomit, etc etc), but not necessarily BETTER. I’ve had babysitters who sucked at taking care of me.. so the theory is flawed.
What it takes is a shit load of patience and regular old common sense. And in my case, a hell of a lot of googling.
When you first bring your child home from the hospital (assuming you have no other children to go off of), everything is new and confusing. The first diaper change might be kind of confusing “Which side is the front? Where the hell does this sticky tab go? How tight am I supposed to fasten it?” But it’s all relatively easy to get the hang of. You fall into your own groove. And no ONE groove is the ‘right’ groove. The world would be a strange place if we were all raised exactly the same.. and who doesn’t love a good ‘crazy family’ story every now and then?
If there’s any dire questions you must have answered, trusty Google will always be there to help you out. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure a baby out- although, with a baby, confusion is never far behind.
There are things I still haven’t figured out.. like.. Why does Holden eat lint off of the floor? Why does he poop in a brand new diaper? Why does he throw his sippy across the room and instantly want it back? Why does he instantly go for the cat’s tail and not some other part?
The list could go on and on, but that just comes with the territory.
Of course, there are some people who I think just should NEVER EVER procreate- but I won’t go into that. What i’m trying to say is any person with common sense can take care of a baby. You just have to WANT to take care of someone. It’s tedious, time consuming, and sometimes (ok.. a lot of times) downright frustrating.. but if crazy drugged out hippies from the 70’s can do it (ahem: Mommy)- you can too.
Aww, look at me, being all motivational.
Toddlers are evil diabolical geniuses. Planning and plotting your downfall. Have you seen ‘Family Guy’? Small children are just like Stewie, with a dash of Cartman from ‘South Park’ thrown in for good measure. Rubbing their chubby little hands together and giggling as you run around after them and pick up toys they’ve flung across the room (probably at your face).
Today Holden got me all excited and jumping up and down and giving him a cookie because he took a pee in the potty. Then he wowed me again later by peeing and pooping in the potty minutes after I sat him down (his normal routine is to make me wait about 15 minutes before doing anything, if he decides to do anything at all). This was all part of his plan. Once he pushes his nuggety turds out, he says to me “Done!” (which sounds more like ‘duh,’ but I know what he means). So I ask him, “are you done pooping?” and he replies “Done! Done! Done!”
So, I pick him up off the potty, make a huge deal about his poop and pee while trying not to gag, clean out the potty and wipe down his butt and give him a potato chip for being such a good boy.. and then put a diaper on him.
Not five minutes later, he’s running around downstairs and this putrid smell comes wafting across the room and offends my nose. I look over at Holden, who is grinning like a madman and I just KNEW what he had done. Pooped in a fresh diaper right after pooping on the potty. Lifts me up and then slams me to the ground! I cursed the sky and changed him again. Evil little child.
Toddlers simply can not be trusted! They lie, steal, and cause an enormous ruckus.. mostly just to get attention. Maybe to just make you look stupid. You never know what’s going on in that round little head of theirs.
And then he spilled my tea all over the floor.. for the second day in a row. Which he thought was totally awesome until I locked him in his playpen with no toys. Take THAT!
I’m fighting poop with fire.
Maybe Babies are not human at all. Their evil little aliens implanted in your uterus, hell-bent on making your life totally insane. They have hidden cameras and video tape your every ridiculous move, making short movies of the stupid faces you make at them to hear them laugh.. and then transmitting it on a show on their evil baby planet called “Stupid Human Tricks.”
Picture this: You go to the store to pick up some things and see a child who you swear must be over 2 years old walking around sucking on a pacifier. How does that make you feel?
For me: horrified.
Never did I want Holden to be a ‘binky baby,” in fact, I tried to keep him off of the binky for as long as possible. Then the nights of constant screaming came along and the only thing I could think to do to stop him from crying (after i’d tried everything else) was to pop a pacifier in his mouth. Instant gratification for the whole family. He would happily suck away, and Thomas and I saved our sanity (and saved ourselves from being strangled by one another out of frustration).
The days where his reflux acted up the worst, I swear he must have been sucking on his binky for the majority of time he was awake. Nothing else seemed to make him happy- and when baby isn’t happy, no one is happy.
Worrisome mommy that I am, I always felt guilty about giving him the pacifier to make him happy. I didn’t want it to be a crutch, I didn’t want him to think he NEEDED it in order to be happy, or in order to sleep.
The happier Holden got over time (as the reflux faded), the less he needed the binky. I’m sure he would take it if I gave it to him- but I started to hide it so it just wouldn’t be around for him to reach for. We’ve gotten him to the point where he only uses it at nap time and bed time now.
This obviously still poses a problem.
Thomas and I would like Holden to be OFF of the binky by 2 years of age- but I have a feeling it’s going to be a pain in the ass because it’s just become an integral part of his sleeping ritual. When he wakes up in the middle of the night screaming- pop a binky in and he literally flops back over in his crib like a dead fish and goes back to sleep.
So what happens when we go cold-turkey and make him ‘quit’ the binky? Will he have withdrawals like an alcoholic? Will he just NOT sleep? I don’t even want to imagine the long sleepless nights of Holden crying because he wants to be sucking on something while he sleeps. And the whole “cry it out” method.. it doesn’t work for us, we tried- it ended in Holden working himself up so much that he vomits all over himself. I fear it being like having a newborn again- constantly having to rock a screaming child back to sleep.. except Holden is a 27 pound (Thomas swears he’s 32 lbs, I don’t believe it!) toddler and not a 7 pound newborn.
Do they have Binky Addicts Anonymous for children?
“Hi, my name is Holden.. and i’m an addict. I can’t sleep without my binky! Mommy and Daddy won’t give it to me! I just need ONE MORE SUCK! PLEASE! LET ME SUCK MY BINKY!”
Of course, what has to be done just has to be done. As i’ve said MANY times before, there are many unpleasant things that come along with being a parent.. and the last thing I want is Holden running around sucking a pacifier just because he can at 2+ years of age. The thought alone makes me cringe. Binkies, in my opinion, are for BABIES and not CHILDREN. If you can avoid them altogether- you’re golden.
It’s better than having him sucking his thumb though- ’cause you can’t take a thumb away. I mean.. you CAN.. but you risk getting CPS called on you… and your kid will most likely end up sucking a different finger anyways.
I don’t know how babies do it. Cutting all those teeth at once. Holden’s cut a record of 6 at once (possibly more, but Lord knows he never lets me get in there to look).
ONE tooth and I feel like i’m dying. Could hardly even get through my cereal.
I put some of his baby orajel in my gums and while it feels a little better- i’m drooling like a toothless old fogie. Attractive i’m sure. Bet Thomas is glad he isn’t home to witness this!
I think my main problem with shopping for Christmas gifts for people is that I ALWAYS want to get them something personal and can never think of anything good. Gift cards are great, but they have no sentimental value, and really no thought behind them. To me, getting someone a gift card is like saying “well, I couldn’t figure out anything else to get you so here ya go.”
If you know someone who is into computers and tech stuff as much as I know Thomas is, I found a great site for personalized holiday gifts.
From now until the end of the year, Pexagon is offering 20% off of certain personalized holiday gifts. You can buy anyone who you think might like it a personalized thumb drive this Christmas. They come in 14 different colors, 32 themes, 16GB capacity and free laser printing. Only $7.99 after discount.
Now, the one that I came across that I thought was really cool is the Business Card Flash Drive. It looks like a business card from the front, but hides a small USB cable on the back- and has 2GB capacity- and the front can be engraved with 3 lines of text for free. That one starts at 15.99 after discount.
Oh, and for the environmentally friendly, they also have on sale a WOODEN USB flash drive. A little something for everyone.
Person on tv: Age is just a number! 10yo: Yeah, a number that pulls you closer to death.
Party animal over here pic.twitter.com/OVpKPuu4Yc
Proving to my kids that they ARE Friends goo.gl/fb/QbSSNp
Writing my next book Me: My period inspired a whole new chapter! Husband: Your lack of period inspired a whole book... Me: pic.twitter.com/fpNHwnYeAF
The card my kid made me at school. I truly don't know why I expected anything different 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/T7nai0ycqS
Valentine's Day before 4pm and I'm already putting on pajamas because my uterus is bloated to the size of a Buick and erupting like Mount Vesuvius so I guess you could say I'm feeling PRETTY romantic.