Author: Holdin' Holden


17 Stupidly Impossible Things our Kids Think we can do that we… well… can’t.

I found this ridiculous imagine online. Stop it. This is awful.

When the kids came home from school today, I was already fully aware that it was going to be a whine-filled “this is all your fault” kind of day. It’s been raining, heavily, for days. Weather has been yo-yoing. One has end of the year testing going on, and the fact that they can’t go outside and let off some steam suddenly becomes my fault, because I am mommy, and apparently I control the universe.

UM WHAT?

I appreciate that my kids think I’m some all-knowing, all-powerful being, capable of impossible feats and miraculous acts, but… I’m not. I’m human. Moms are humans. Still, for some reason unknown to me, they think we can do it all. And they get REALLY pissed when we say that we can’t.

Welcome to parenthood, where everything’s your fault!

Here are just a few of the things our kids think we should be able to do, and blame us for their displeasure when we can’t.

  1. Changing the weather with the snap of your fingers
  2. Finding lost toys… or toys that have “mysteriously” disappeared.
  3. Knowing exactly what they want for dinner, even when they didn’t tell you
  4. Having the answer to every impossible and stupid question they come up with, without the help of Google.
  5. The ability to make lines shorter, or make them move faster. Grocery stores, roller coasters, bathrooms. You name it.
  6. The power to make traffic suddenly disappear
  7. A money tree, that is constantly blooming and making it so every toy and gadget imaginable can be purchased on a whim
  8. Able to reduce the baking time of cookies, cakes, muffins, biscuits, dinners, and assorted treats in order to make them ready instantly.
  9. Make batteries appear out of thin air
  10. Be able to fix things that are beyond repair. See: smashed, melted, or water-damaged junk. Even if you didn’t do it, not being able to fix it makes it your fault.
  11. Be able to precisely measure how much pepper/spice they like in their meals, even though their taste buds change by the second
  12. Make their favorite program come on TV the second they ask for it. LOOK- NOT EVERYTHING CAN BE ON NETFLIX
  13. Make time move more quickly, or more slowly. Either way, they’ll blame you.
  14. Instantly reduce the length of car trips after the child invokes the sacred incantation: “Are we there yet?” (they will repeat until the incantation finally works and our magic is activated.)
  15. Make their electronics charge instantly.
  16. The ability to make snacks poof out of thin air. Because we’re fucking wizards with magical convenient stores.
  17. No matter how long we’ve been walking, or how much we’ve done, or how tired we are, we’re never too tired to carry their heavy asses. Just go ahead and call yourself “The Hulk”, remind them that they wouldn’t like you when you’re angry. It won’t help, but you might feel better.

 

This whole know-all, see-all, do-all without knowing anything, seeing anything, or doing anything, is exhausting.

Posted on May 23, 2017 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment

10 Ways Childhood is WAY BETTER than Adulthood

Who thought growing up was a good idea? Why did we EVER look forward to this? Morons that we are, we thought with adulthood came special privileges, like getting to stay up late and eating cake for breakfast if we want to, and SURE, we CAN do those things, but are they really worth the consequences that come with being an adult? It certainly isn’t as fun nor as easy as any of us thought it would be.

At heart, I’m a Toys R Us Kid for life, but, unfortunately, real life is always getting in the way.

Here are my top 10 ways being a kid kicks the ass of being an adult. HOW DID I NOT KNOW? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE WARN ME?

 

 

Getting Sick

Childhood: It’s all good. Just relax on the couch, watch TV, and don’t worry about a thing. Snacks and beverages and barf buckets will be taken care of.

Adhulthood: LOL. You still have to do everything you had to do. Carry a barf bag with you. Responsibility waits for no one!

 

Staying up WAY past bedtime

Childhood: Mommy & Daddy might be mad, but you have boundless energy, so what does it matter to you?

Adulthood: Congrats- you’ll spend the next day more useless than a bag of smashed up assholes.

 

Crapping your pants

Childhood: Someone is always there to help you clean up, dry your tears, reassure you that it happens to everyone, and give you a fucking juicebox

Adulthood: You get banned from Home Depot

 

Hunger strike

Childhood: It’s okay, EVENTUALLY someone will give in and make you something to eat, even if they swore they wouldn’t. Even if you were a raging jerk to them. They will make sure you’re fed.

Adulthood: RIP.

 

Eating junk food

Childhood: Always hungry, always snacking. You’ve got high metabolism. Just brush your teeth and you’re fine!

Adulthood: Always hungry, not always snacking. Hope you enjoy those 17 extra cellulite dimples from just LOOKING at that Snickers bar.

 

Falling down

Childhood: You’re basically made of rubber.

Adulthood: Right about now, you’re really wishing you’d invested in Life Alert.

 

Getting in trouble

Childhood: Getting toys taken away, being sent to your room for GASP TIME OUT! Possibly being grounded. There are consequences but they aren’t usually lasting. Just learn from your mistake and do better next time, buddy!

Adulthood: Arrest. Jail. Prison. Divorce. Getting fired. Losing your driver’s license. Basically a whole lot of suck that’s hard to come back from.

 

While we’re at it–Time Outs

Childhood: Feels like the end of the world, but really no big deal. Get sent to your room with all your toys, OH NO! Worst case scenario, sit in the corner and “think about what you’ve done”- spend the time singing Disney songs to yourself and promising to run away.

Adulthood: IF ONLY. PLEASE SEND ME TO MY ROOM. “Time Out” now consists of hiding in the bathroom pretending to take a crap to get 5 minutes alone-time.

 

Chores

Childhood: They might not be fun, but at least you get paid for them

Adulthood: Don’t do your chores and the next thing you know someone’s calling the city because your grass is so long that they can no longer see your front door. Get all your shit done, and what do you get? Nothing. Not even a thank you.

 

Homework

Childhood: A couple of worksheets. Maybe read a book. Possibly a few math problems. EZPZ

Adulthood: Everything you’ve been putting off for the past three days, and you KNOW you’ve been procrastinating, plus what you were supposed to do today but got distracted by Netflix & Facebook, while preparing yourself from the onslaught of BS you know is coming down the pipeline in the coming days. Oh, and helping your kids with their homework, which is trivial bullshit that you can’t remember how to do because you’re so fried from everything else. WHAT IS MATH. I CANNOT MATH.

 

Is it too late to opt out of adulthood?

Posted on May 18, 2017 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment

Busch Gardens Williamsburg Family Concert Series Ticket GIVEAWAY!

Yep, if you’re been keeping track, this is my THIRD Busch Gardens family giveaway in the past few weeks, and I’m not gonna lie, this one is sort of my favorite.

If you know anything about me (and you might not if it’s your first time here) it’s that I am OBSESSED with Disney. Not just the place, but the movies, and the shows. This means that I absolutely watch Disney Channel after my kids go to bed, and that is why this Kidsiderate Concert is so exciting- because the Teen Stars Live, an interactive entertainment show that includes fun pranks, crowd interaction, music, comedy, and encourages the audience to get up and have fun, stars actors from both Disney and Nickelodeon!

Calum Worthy, who plays “Dez” from the show Austin & Ally; Karan Brar, also known as ”Ravi” from Jessie; Trinitee Stokes, who plays “Judy” from KC Undercover; and Brec Bassinger, who stars as “Bella” from the show Bella and the Bulldogs will all be there, so if your kid is a fan of any of these shows (or all of them) this is the perfect fun concert to take them to!

There are 4 showtimes over two days:
May 20: 11:30 a.m. and 4:30 p.m.
May 21: 11:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m

 

And here is what I’m giving away to one lucky family!

Four (4) Busch Gardens Williamsburg single-day tickets.
2. One (1) Parking pass
3. Reserved seating to Teen Stars Live on May 20 OR May 21
IF you don’t win, and you’re still interested in attending, no problem! The concert is free with general park admission. Make sure to arrive early and claim your free ticket at Guest Relations at the front of the park. They will distribute tickets on a first come, first serve basis until there are no tickets left. You can upgrade your seating to the reserved seating for a fee, otherwise, you’ll also want to make sure to get to the theater early to grab the best seats.

Now, onto the good stuff! HOW to enter: Leave a comment below and tell me which of these stars your kid would be the most excited to see?

Winner will be drawn THIS Thursday morning, May 18th, please keep a close eye on the email box associated with your entry (and make sure you register your comment with your email address) and respond ASAP (by Friday morning), or a new winner will need to be drawn.

 

Good luck!

Posted on May 15, 2017 by Holdin' Holden 36 Comments

11 Parenting Memes That Will Keep you Laughing for DAYS

Why is the end of the school year the LONGEST? Not like we’re all looking forward to our kids being out for 8+ weeks constantly nagging at us, but long, dragging days aren’t exactly fun. I take the laughs where I can get them, whether it be at my own expense, or, yep, even at my kids’.

Take a break from the day and laugh at this shit with me! Take solace in memes!
Brace yourself…

 

Years of my life

 

WINNING

 

They’re besties

 

100% accurate

 

The trash goes out more than I do

 

I will end you

 

Instant #1 Best-seller.

 

I don’t want to say I told you so, but…. actually yes I do! HA

 

Me to a T. I really need to wax.

 

The masters of starting shit

Posted on May 12, 2017 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment

KIDZ Bop Kids at Busch Gardens- WIN a Family 4 Pack of Tickets, a Meet & Greet & more!

Guess what? I’ve got yet ANOTHER Busch Gardens Williamsburg giveaway for all of you!

If you haven’t heard of Kidz Bop, you’ve probably been living under a rock. They are a group of talented kids who sing covers of the most popular songs on the radio. They are the #1 brand for kids music on the radio, and, I have to admit, pretty dang adorable.

 

 

I’ve got a little one who begged me all last season to go when they came to Busch Gardens because they listen to them in school when they have class celebrations and field days, but we just couldn’t make it happen. This is why I’m so excited to make it happen for one of you, and your little one/s!

They are coming to Busch Gardens Williamsburg THIS weekend, part of the Kidsiderate Concert Series– a concert series geared toward families with little kids (that won’t make your ears bleed–such fun acts they bring!)

 

 

Are your wee ones pumped yet?

Here’s what I’m giving away:

-A Family 4-pack of tickets to Busch Gardens Williamsburg

-1 Parking pass

-Reserved seating to KIDZ Bop Kids on May 13th (THIS Saturday!)

-A meet & greet with the KIDZ Bop Kids!

 

HOW do you enter to win? Leave me a comment below telling me what your little one’s FAVORITE KIDZ Bop song is!

The winner will be drawn THIS Thursday May 11th, so be sure to keep an eye on your e-mail because you will need to respond ASAP in order to get set up for this weekend!

 

 

Good luck!

Posted on May 9, 2017 by Holdin' Holden 29 Comments