My kids make me say a lot of weird things. Over the course of ten(+) years, I’ve heard myself say some things no other human should probably have to say to another human, but as they are just civilized humans in training, weird is often necessary.
Y’all, I’ve told my kids not to sniff the toilet paper after they wipe before.
I’ve instructed them more times than I care to admit that their snot doesn’t count as a snack.
I’ve questioned what they ate because of the remnants of turds the size of Buicks in the toilet.
I’ve had arguments about the importance of showering and clean underwear.
They’ve given me cause in the past to ask almost absolute strangers about the healthy colors and consistencies of shit.
I have actually said, out loud, in full mom-yell voice, “It’s NOT a bloody doodoo, it’s a tampon!”
While putting all of that into a list just makes it sound weird, and disgusting– at the times they were spoken, and with the correct context, every parent knows that they make total sense. But as many times as I’ve said all of the above– and trust me, it’s a lot– there’s still ONE thing I thought I said more than anything else. Over all the weird, random shit, the tried and true go to word for me?
Two letters, so much impact. I would put a sack full of nickles on that I have said it more in my 10 years as a parent than all my years prior to parenting combined.
Truly, I thought that when the sweet angel of mercy finally took me from this earth, “No” would be engraved on my headstone.
But it’s simply not true. As much as I object on a daily basis, I don’t hand out a succinct “NO” as often as I thought. In fact, I have a list of other shit I say far more frequently. Annoyingly. Necessarily.
All of us parents have a list of our “most frequently saids” that extend beyond the realm of “NO” (although, it is old faithful, and I do fall back on it when nothing else works.)
My list, in no particular order, is as follows:
Can you not?
SERIOUSLY. Can you NOT? (oh, a combo!)
Oh, for fuck’s sake
Because I said so.
I’m not gonna say it again (blatant lie. I always say it again. Usually more than once.)
I SAID PUT YOUR SHOES ON/BRUSH YOUR TEETH/EAT YOUR DINNER
I’d say that I was trying to do better about saying all of these things so much, but…… No.
@DianeAuten There is no other way
@DianeAuten I'm so glad you're enjoying it!
Minecraft Stole my Children goo.gl/fb/VG9w3M
I don't know what I want for dinner, but I can guarantee it's not any of the 14 things my husband will suggest.
@ThisIsAstartes Best worst little shits on the planet.
What's that smell? A lot of pants on fire. pic.twitter.com/bVK0FnJgeB
I'm officially done parenting. Here's how I did it: holdinholden.com/2018/01/im-o…
I’m Officially Finished Parenting. Here’s how I did it goo.gl/fb/TBJQPJ
Some people meal prep to be healthy throughout the week. Some people meal prep because they want to be lazy for the rest of the week. I meal prep to prove to my kids that humans CAN eat the same thing day after day without dying.