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Weird Things you do for your kids but not Strangers

Why do I still get my kids dressed in the morning? Because they can’t be trusted to put together anything even resembling a coordinated outfit. Is it that important for them to be coordinated? Probably not, but I must do it. I can’t let them leave the house looking like it’s laundry day every day and there’s nothing left that matches that’s clean.
I mean, it IS laundry day every day, but I don’t need other people knowing that.

Do I physically help them put their clothes on? BE SERIOUS. Of course I don’t. They’re semi-capable of putting on pants without falling over. I am nearby when they get dressed in case they start freaking out about things being impossible to get right-side-out. I don’t have time in the morning to argue that they are more than able to reach into a pair of pants and pull inside out leg out. This means I get to see if clothes are buttoned wrong- something I’d obviously fix, or shirts on backwards- something I’d obviously call out.

Something called to me Thursday morning. It was out of place but not so out of place that people might notice. Without even thinking, I reached over and tucked Holden’s front pocket back into his pants because it was poking out, and… I don’t know…. why not.

Afterward, I paused for a moment and thought to myself- is that weird? Is what I just did weird? I’d never reach out and do that to someone else, or even tap them on the shoulder and say “excuse me, but your pocket is sticking out” like I would if they had toilet paper hanging out from the top of their pants, or underwear stuck to the back of their shirt by the embarrassing miracle of static cling. But I do these things for my kids because they’re my kids, and the boundaries are pretty fucking fuzzy. Possibly even nonexistent judging by the fact that they walk into the bathroom and take massive shits while I’m in the shower and that comes from a level of comfort not experienced by any other humans on earth outside of family.

  1. The dreaded finger-lick. It rids faces of grime and dirt. It tames wild hairs. It would get the police called on you if you did it to anyone other than your kids.
  2. “Do you need to poop?” – the go-to question for all parents. Whether it be a stomach ache, a sore throat, or a bad test grade. Always tempting to ask random people, because plenty of them are probably full of shit.
  3. You’re comfortable with someone, but are you- asking them whether they wiped their ass thoroughly after taking a poop- comfortable? Only my kids. Hopefully only EVER my kids. And hopefully not for much longer.
  4. Cutting up meat for your kids is okay. Cutting up meat for another adult is fucking weird. Don’t do that.
  5. The “Smell test”- it all started with taking a whiff of your baby’s butt because you suspected they’d crapped their pants and migrated into sniffing clothes you find on the floor to figure out if they’re clean or not because NO WAY ARE YOU DOING ANY MORE LAUNDRY SO HELP ME. Almost always ends in regret. Do this to a random person? Ends in a restraining order.
  6. Playing waitress- if anyone else had me running around getting them 4 different snacks they “couldn’t reach” and three different drinks, they better be tipping me generously.
  7. Booger police- DON’T PRETEND YOU HAVEN’T DONE IT. I’ll be damned if my kid walks around with snot dangling from their nose. I made them, so technically I made their boogers, so following that logic- it’s not weird. It IS weird to pick a stranger’s nose, however.

Try to remember to check your parental instincts at the door when necessary. And maybe stop checking on your kids so much. Am I talking to myself here? Yeah…. probably.

Posted on December 15, 2017 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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