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The Mom Diet (Spoiler alert: It’s not a diet)

To those of you with unbreakable willpower- I applaud you
To those of you who actually enjoy all the healthy foods and detest “junk”- I wholeheartedly salute you
To those of you who can look temptation in the eye–even when that eye of temptation is the adorable eye of your child who is only trying to share- I envy you

I am none of those things. I love food. Yeah, healthy food is fine and dandy, and I do sometimes enjoy it- but I have to be totally honest: I fucking love junk. I was raised on Nutty Bars, Ho Ho’s, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and boatloads of Goldfish crackers, and who could forget Fruit by the fucking Foot? And while I am am an adult and absolutely nothing is stopping me from eating any of those things at any time, I am trying to be healthy, which means that shit is basically off limits. Or it should be.

It was easy when my kids were eating mashed carrots and liquefied meats that resembled chunky diarrhea. Zero temptation. The food in my house was adult food. No need for little snack cakes or magical fruit flavored gelatinous creations. AND YEAH, you can come at me and say there’s no need to have that shit in my house even now that my kids are older because I should be teaching them healthy eating habits alongside me, BUT THEY ARE CHILDREN WITH HIGH METABOLISMS AND YOU CAN’T GET THAT SHIT BACK ONCE IT’S GONE! I could deprive them of the joys of Cheez-it fingers, biting the heads off of Goldfish, and peeling apart a Nutty Bar to scrape the peanut butter off with their teeth (if you’ve never eaten them that way, WHO ARE YOU?)- but I’m not going to. Not totally. I’m gonna let them live a little, while also driving home healthy eating habits.

For the most part, they make me really proud. I don’t buy really shitty garbage, but just a little garbage here and there and they eat it every now and then in between fruits and granola and other crap that my parents could never force me to eat when I was their age. But do you know what that means? It means the garbage I buy for their occasional splurge sits there. Taunting me.
I’m not crazy if I hear junkfood calling to me, people. It REALLY happens. And it’s a REAL struggle.

Even if I say no, even if I resist the call of the saturated fats, sometimes the kids leave me no choice. My weakened healthy-diet, sugar-deprived brain can’t handle it.

Some days my diet consists of fruits, veggies, grains, and the proper amounts of lean proteins. Plus 8 glasses of water.

Other days my diet consists of:

“Mommy, do you want a bite?” OH MY GOD MY VAGINAL DROPPING IS ACTUALLY SHARING WITH ME AND IT HASN’T BEEN IN THEIR MOUTH FIRST! I HAVE REACHED THE PINNACLE OF PARENTING. OF COURSE I WILL HAVE A BITE OF WHATEVER CALORIE-PACKED BULLSHIT YOU’RE EATING THAT DOESN’T MAKE YOU GAIN ANY WEIGHT BECAUSE YOU’RE YOUNG WITH PERFECT SKIN AND NO CELLULITE!

The leftovers on my kids plates when it’s something REALLY DELICIOUS AND NOT AT ALL GOOD FOR ME and it’s not enough to save and I’ll be damned if I throw it away. This is, of course, after I’ve finished my own meal. Not even hungry anymore. Just refuse to be wasteful. This includes, but is not limited to, sandwich crusts and pizza crusts (HEATHENS!)

Whatever I can make in a pinch, no matter how unhealthy or full of crap, because I’ve spent so much time dealing with the kids that I’ve run out of time to make anything decent to eat.

The Halloween candy I forced my kids to get “for me” without thinking about just how seriously they would take the job, but now I’m obligated. YES. OBLIGATED. I DON’T HAVE A CHOICE.

 

Don’t feel bad if you slip off the diet platform, fellow moms. Don’t even feel bad if you weren’t really on it to begin with. The truth is that our kids are just trying to kill us. Go ahead and eat the chocolate.

Posted on November 9, 2017 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
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