The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom

What is the first thing that comes to mind when people ask/ed if you’re ready to have kids? What boxes do you check? You might instantly think of finances, space, diaper stockpiles, and a knowledge that nights where you get a full 8-hours will be things of the past. Sure, those might rank high on the list, but they are just, for lack of a better term, child’s play. It’s barely scratching the drool-soaked surface.

In other words– none of that shit is really going to prepare you to handle all things baby. You can X those boxes and sleep comfortably tonight, but know, deep down, those aren’t the real preparations you need to be making. Sleep deprivation is a bitch, but here’s the list soon-to-be-parents need to be checking off on their road to parenthood.

  1. Comfortable cleaning shit out from under fingernails. Their fingernails. Your fingernails. All fingernails.
  2. Superior upper body strength for slowly and carefully lowering baby down into crib without waking them and having to start the whole fucking process all over again.
  3. X-ray vision to see behind furniture and under couches for lost baby socks, toys, and sippy cups. DO NOT LOSE THE SIPPY CUP. YOU WILL REGRET IT.
  4. Learn to translate baby cries. Are they hungry? Are they tired? Did they shit their pants even though you JUST CHANGED THEM? You will pretend to know. It will give you mild comfort.
  5. Hone the ability to black out random screaming and pick up the quietest hint of mischief (and it is always quiet)
  6. Know proper stain removal procedures for baby vomit, pureed carrots, shit, blood, and other miscellaneous fluids.
  7. Can jump out of bed and immediately snap into action in 3 seconds flat in order to successfully handle a screaming/puking baby.
  8. One-armed everything. The other will be occupied with a tiny human that shrieks every time you put it down. Bathroom? One arm. Cooking? One arm. Driving? Wait… no, you’ll still have two arms for that. Get a wrap. Prepare for your baby to act like you’re giving it an exorcism every time you put them in it.
  9. Mental perseverance to be able to sit through the same cartoon/animated movie 47 times without breaking the tv. NO, ANNA. I DON’T WANT TO BUILD A FUCKING SNOWMAN.
  10. Master of the booger bulb
  11. Comfortable biting another human’s nails because using the clippers is too dangerous, knowing full well there might be shit under them.
  12. Beastly immune system. Because otherwise you are going to get so, so sick. All the time.
  13. I was going to write a #13 but I got distracted and pulled away by kids screaming because you’re never, ever prepared. Deal with it.
Posted on November 17, 2017 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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