Although I don’t participate in Black Friday shopping, for me, it marks the beginning of the Christmas shopping season. Maybe it’s that my kids change their minds too easily, or maybe it’s that I’m just not a planner- but I haven’t even started yet. Call me a slacker. I won’t really disagree. That doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it, though. And it certainly doesn’t mean my children have not made extensive lists. While browsing them, and the seemingly endless online sales, I had a thought. The kids have a million Legos. They have toys they never play with that they swore they’d die if they didn’t get for Christmas. This happens every. single. year. so…. why not, this year, get them things I know will come in handy? Not just for them, but for me, as a parent?
I know. It sounds selfish. Here’s the thing: I AIN’T SANTA.
Santa gives the frivolous gifts. Why should I? I realize that Christmas isn’t really the time to be 100% practical in what the children receive. I spent years bitter about the time my mom gave me a package of socks that she’d ripped into and pulled a pair out of for herself.
At the same time, if they already have everything they could want–too much of it in fact– why not be creative with their gifts this year and give them shit they can actually use. To help me.
YEAH, IT’S SNEAKY. I’m okay with that.
I’m not going full package-of-socks, here. I’m not that cruel, but why not get things that not only will the kids like, but will benefit us parents as well? Two birds, one holly-covered stone.
Here are my top suggestions, along with a few tips if you’re going to be purchasing from any OTHER list, though I don’t know why you would.
GIFT: Walkie Talkies- THEY think they’re getting a nifty communication device- able to transmit messages to friends or siblings. I like to call them- Potty Pagers. This way, you no longer have to scream at the top of your lungs from the toilet for your kids to get you a new roll while they pretend not to hear you. WE DON’T LIVE IN A MANSION, KIDS. I DON’T BELIEVE IN THE DRIP DRY.
TIP: Is there a volume switch? You’d better make damn sure there’s a volume switch, or the only setting is METALLICA. Then you’ll find yourself trying to smuggle the thing out in the middle of the night so no one catches you and living a lie for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.
GIFT: Headphones- Long thought of by kids to be magical listening devices, we parents know that we can use them so we don’t have to hear whatever mind-numbingly awful/obnoxious crap our kids are watching/playing. We can also take them and use them to drown the turds out if necessary. Win/win
TIP: Will you have to sit on the floor to play with this gift with your child? There are no studies confirming that you can die from playing on the floor with your kid, but I’m pretty sure you can die from playing on the floor with your kid.
GIFT: Special cups- I know, it sounds weird. But there’s nothing more special than having your very own special cups. I have an entire set of Disney Princess mugs that I drink my coffee out of that make my days. To your kids- they’re getting something special like you. Something ONLY they get to use. But you know what it is to parents? Fucking proof that THEY are the ones who dirtied up 14 cups in a 3 hours span. NAILED’EM.
TIP: Never get your kid anything you aren’t positive that hearing 52 times in a row with no pause won’t drive you into a blind rage where you Hulk Smash everything in sight, unless of course it comes with a headphone jack, in which case, see above.
TIP: If your children ever dare complain about the gifts they receive, remind them that you have underwear older than they are and you’re not complaining.
If you’re gonna spend money, you might as well spend it on shit that’s not gonna make you crazier than you already are.
Acting like they're never coming back. pic.twitter.com/MknDuwtDtm
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