How to tell if You’re Becoming an “Old Person”

It wasn’t a sign of the apocalypse, but for me, it was pretty damn close.

On Saturday night, with no provocation, without losing a bet, or being sarcastic- I said, in mixed company, WHILE being recorded “I love cauliflower”.

I thought I’d be met with groans or disgust, but my friends actually agreed. In that moment, all I could think was “holy shit, when did we get so old?”

Could it be knowledge learned with time, because we know that rice is bloating and we can’t even look at certain foods without having to consider wearing a t-shirt in the pool and had to find a healthy replacement, or are our tastebuds actually dying because we are dying?

You may think that rolling out of bed and sounding like a wet bowl of Rice Krispies is one of the first signs, or maybe it’s the wrinkles, gray hairs, and/or the plethora of bills that come in my mail that should have been red flags everywhere, but you’d be wrong. Those are signs of aging, not getting old. Getting older is inevitable- and we’re lucky to be able to do so. BEING OLD is a mindset. We could control it, but we just don’t want to, because we’re old, and we want you to get the fuck off of our lawns.

I’m only two punches away from having an official “Old Folk” card. It comes with a discount on adult diapers and a discount on the first bingo card.

Here are 11 signs that you may be rounding the corner to the mental retirement home:

  1. When someone uses the term “bae” and it makes you want to hit them in the fae, you might be nearing old age. NO I DON’T WANT TO “GET LIT” THIS WEEKEND! I want to sit on the couch and veg. The only thing “gettin’ lit” are my scented candles. Y’all aren’t radical like us! And we ain’t your “fam”.
  2. When you go to bed at the time you used to go out. Dude, if you’re asking me to leave the house at 10pm, we can’t be friends anymore. I’m in my jammies, bra off, and I’m not going anywhere except for on the internet.
  3. Grapefruit, cream of wheat, and Metamucil have a heavy rotation in your weekly schedule. Might as well make it a foursome and sign up for AARP.
  4. You get the insatiable urge to pull the “back in my day” card on youngins who don’t know how easy they have it. Don’t get me started.
  5. You wax poetic about shit that closed/was discontinued/ended twenty plus years ago. Looking at you Blockbuster, Surge, Animaniacs, and actual music on MTV.
  6. You think the music is too loud. I mean it is, but yeah, take your old ass home.
  7. Things like new sponges for the kitchen excite you.
  8. You’ve actually said something like “I can’t eat stuff like that anymore”
  9. Remember when you thought 30 was ancient? Yeah, now you catch yourself saying “Forty/Fifty isn’t that old.”
  10. You call everyone who is younger than you– even if by only a few years– “kid”
  11. You lament about “kids these days”

So how’d you do? Ready to collect your free bingo card and complimentary prune juice?


Posted on September 12, 2017 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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