I’ve found the most effective way to parent unruly small children is to find the one thing they love…. and crush it.
Wait, hold on. Maybe I’ve set that up wrong. I’m not some kind of monster. I don’t mean their hopes, or their dreams, or even the one stuffed animal they absolutely can’t sleep without.
I have to give my kids credit where credit is due– when they go, they go all in. They don’t half ass anything except for their chores. For everything else in life- it’s the whole ass. Especially when it comes to being Grade A Buttpickles.
Yeah. I said BUTT. PICKLES.
Would you prefer me to type “ASSHOLES”? ‘Cause I could have said that, too. But I didn’t. And now you made me.
They’re total buttpickles. Always getting themselves in trouble by arguing, or whining over nothing, or complaining about nothing, or being overly sassy, or chewing with their mouths open IN MY EARS. But the worst over the past few months has been their fighting with each other. It’s… I’d say infuriating, but we’re beyond that point.
When it comes to punishment for their buttpickly crimes, I’ve tried just about everything. They’ve gotten grounded. Taking away internet access doesn’t work because they don’t use the internet. Their rooms didn’t seem to do the trick because their rooms are full of toys they enjoy, and let’s be real, I’m not going to waste the time to remove the things they enjoy from their rooms, and I really don’t feel like spending MORE time arguing with them over forcing them to do it. No thanks. I’ve tried grounding them to places with no toys to try to bore them into brotherly respect. Nope. I’ve put their toys in prison and forced them to do chores to earn them back (this really only works with gifts around Christmas, in my experience)- and they are STILL. BEING. BUTTPICKLES. FIVE. MINUTES. LATER.
Don’t you tell me to try the “Get-Along” shirt. My kids are immune. The little one LIKES putting his hands on the older one. Tell me again how that is going to be effective? I can take away dessert for the rest of their lives and they’re still going to do the stupid stuff they do to get themselves in trouble, and no one is happy. Everyone’s snappy and sassy and miserable. That’s not cool, dudes. Why should I be punished when they’re the ones in the wrong? it’s one thing to be a mediocre parent (Hi! Nice to meet you!) but I refuse to be ineffective.
That’s why I had to bring out the “big guns” so to speak.
I finally figured it out. At long last, I found the one thing they loved more than anything else in the world. The ONE thing that would utterly dessimate them if I took it away and force them to stop being buttpickles. maybe not once and for all, but at least for a little while.
Out of all of their toys, all of their possessions, all of the things they like to do, the thing they like the most is playing games on the tablet. So simple. So small. So effective. They never should have let on that they loved it so much. That was their first mistake. Actually, their first mistake was repeatedly fucking up enough for me to be devious enough to seek and destroy their happiness, but THIS IS WHAT IT HAS COME TO.
Trust me when I say that when you find the ONE thing they absolutely DO NOT WANT TO LOSE, and they start down the path of ultimate buttpickle-ness, and you dangle their love over their head, threatening to take it from them for the rest of forever, they have the tendency to fall in line rather quickly. It may not be lasting. It may not be permanent, but it’s enough to shut them the hell up for a couple of seconds. That’s enough for me.
Frying pans. Who knew, right? pic.twitter.com/usSQcFGpmI
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8