I’ve been wanting to sit down and write a new blog for a few days now, but I’ve been dealing with the coming apocalypse in my house, and it’s prevented me from any rational thought.
Frequent occurrences of the ground opening up and threatening to swallow us all. Yes, right in my own home! I wouldn’t believe it had I not seen it myself, but I speak only the truth. The only safe place in this whole house is the kids’ rooms, so, naturally, in order to protect them, they’ve been spending a lot of time there since this natural disaster began occurring.
I’ve documented these occurrences for scientific records, posterity, and for evidence once the rest of the world finally realizes what’s been going on, I can say “Hey, my kids knew it first! Here’s proof!”
Here are the ways the world has almost ended this week, according to my children:
One sat on the stool the other one wanted to sit on
One got a bigger piece of Nutty Bar than the other
It being bed time
One using a Lego block from something the other built a month ago and hasn’t touched since
His brother wouldn’t let him destroy his Lego car
We ran out of mustard
The waffle was too toasty
It’s lunch time
It’s not lunch time yet
They can’t have a snack 10 minutes before dinner
Babybels are too hard to open
His head wouldn’t go in his shirt’s arm hole
The cheese on his sandwich wasn’t melty enough
He has to take off his socks to put sandals on
He has to put socks on to wear shoes
We have to go grocery shopping
He didn’t know off the top of his head of Christmas this year is on a Wednesday
I told them to stop playing with Legos for five seconds and put some clothes on
I asked him to repeat himself
He tripped over a toy I told him to put away or someone was going to get hurt
He couldn’t decide what kind of meat he wanted in his taco
I said the words “it’s time to brush your teeth”
I said the words “we just argued about this last night”
I wouldn’t let him sleep in my bed
I moved him from my bed once I found him in it hours later
I didn’t DVR a show I didn’t know they wanted to watch
Hold on… wait… what’s that you’re saying? NONE of these things could cause life as we know it to cease? Not a single one of these things would cause the beginning of the apocalypse? Not a single one of these is reason at all to believe that it’s the end of the world?
CAN YOU TELL MY KIDS THAT? Thanks.
Dear people writing articles on ways to get siblings to get along, I'll save you the time. The answer is "Don't let them play together"
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.
Parenthood is when you start counting the minutes to bed time before 11am.