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17 Stupidly Impossible Things our Kids Think we can do that we… well… can’t.

I found this ridiculous imagine online. Stop it. This is awful.

When the kids came home from school today, I was already fully aware that it was going to be a whine-filled “this is all your fault” kind of day. It’s been raining, heavily, for days. Weather has been yo-yoing. One has end of the year testing going on, and the fact that they can’t go outside and let off some steam suddenly becomes my fault, because I am mommy, and apparently I control the universe.

UM WHAT?

I appreciate that my kids think I’m some all-knowing, all-powerful being, capable of impossible feats and miraculous acts, but… I’m not. I’m human. Moms are humans. Still, for some reason unknown to me, they think we can do it all. And they get REALLY pissed when we say that we can’t.

Welcome to parenthood, where everything’s your fault!

Here are just a few of the things our kids think we should be able to do, and blame us for their displeasure when we can’t.

  1. Changing the weather with the snap of your fingers
  2. Finding lost toys… or toys that have “mysteriously” disappeared.
  3. Knowing exactly what they want for dinner, even when they didn’t tell you
  4. Having the answer to every impossible and stupid question they come up with, without the help of Google.
  5. The ability to make lines shorter, or make them move faster. Grocery stores, roller coasters, bathrooms. You name it.
  6. The power to make traffic suddenly disappear
  7. A money tree, that is constantly blooming and making it so every toy and gadget imaginable can be purchased on a whim
  8. Able to reduce the baking time of cookies, cakes, muffins, biscuits, dinners, and assorted treats in order to make them ready instantly.
  9. Make batteries appear out of thin air
  10. Be able to fix things that are beyond repair. See: smashed, melted, or water-damaged junk. Even if you didn’t do it, not being able to fix it makes it your fault.
  11. Be able to precisely measure how much pepper/spice they like in their meals, even though their taste buds change by the second
  12. Make their favorite program come on TV the second they ask for it. LOOK- NOT EVERYTHING CAN BE ON NETFLIX
  13. Make time move more quickly, or more slowly. Either way, they’ll blame you.
  14. Instantly reduce the length of car trips after the child invokes the sacred incantation: “Are we there yet?” (they will repeat until the incantation finally works and our magic is activated.)
  15. Make their electronics charge instantly.
  16. The ability to make snacks poof out of thin air. Because we’re fucking wizards with magical convenient stores.
  17. No matter how long we’ve been walking, or how much we’ve done, or how tired we are, we’re never too tired to carry their heavy asses. Just go ahead and call yourself “The Hulk”, remind them that they wouldn’t like you when you’re angry. It won’t help, but you might feel better.

 

This whole know-all, see-all, do-all without knowing anything, seeing anything, or doing anything, is exhausting.

Posted on May 23, 2017 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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