Who thought growing up was a good idea? Why did we EVER look forward to this? Morons that we are, we thought with adulthood came special privileges, like getting to stay up late and eating cake for breakfast if we want to, and SURE, we CAN do those things, but are they really worth the consequences that come with being an adult? It certainly isn’t as fun nor as easy as any of us thought it would be.
At heart, I’m a Toys R Us Kid for life, but, unfortunately, real life is always getting in the way.
Here are my top 10 ways being a kid kicks the ass of being an adult. HOW DID I NOT KNOW? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE WARN ME?
Childhood: It’s all good. Just relax on the couch, watch TV, and don’t worry about a thing. Snacks and beverages and barf buckets will be taken care of.
Adhulthood: LOL. You still have to do everything you had to do. Carry a barf bag with you. Responsibility waits for no one!
Staying up WAY past bedtime
Childhood: Mommy & Daddy might be mad, but you have boundless energy, so what does it matter to you?
Adulthood: Congrats- you’ll spend the next day more useless than a bag of smashed up assholes.
Crapping your pants
Childhood: Someone is always there to help you clean up, dry your tears, reassure you that it happens to everyone, and give you a fucking juicebox
Adulthood: You get banned from Home Depot
Childhood: It’s okay, EVENTUALLY someone will give in and make you something to eat, even if they swore they wouldn’t. Even if you were a raging jerk to them. They will make sure you’re fed.
Eating junk food
Childhood: Always hungry, always snacking. You’ve got high metabolism. Just brush your teeth and you’re fine!
Adulthood: Always hungry, not always snacking. Hope you enjoy those 17 extra cellulite dimples from just LOOKING at that Snickers bar.
Childhood: You’re basically made of rubber.
Adulthood: Right about now, you’re really wishing you’d invested in Life Alert.
Getting in trouble
Childhood: Getting toys taken away, being sent to your room for GASP TIME OUT! Possibly being grounded. There are consequences but they aren’t usually lasting. Just learn from your mistake and do better next time, buddy!
Adulthood: Arrest. Jail. Prison. Divorce. Getting fired. Losing your driver’s license. Basically a whole lot of suck that’s hard to come back from.
While we’re at it–Time Outs
Childhood: Feels like the end of the world, but really no big deal. Get sent to your room with all your toys, OH NO! Worst case scenario, sit in the corner and “think about what you’ve done”- spend the time singing Disney songs to yourself and promising to run away.
Adulthood: IF ONLY. PLEASE SEND ME TO MY ROOM. “Time Out” now consists of hiding in the bathroom pretending to take a crap to get 5 minutes alone-time.
Childhood: They might not be fun, but at least you get paid for them
Adulthood: Don’t do your chores and the next thing you know someone’s calling the city because your grass is so long that they can no longer see your front door. Get all your shit done, and what do you get? Nothing. Not even a thank you.
Childhood: A couple of worksheets. Maybe read a book. Possibly a few math problems. EZPZ
Adulthood: Everything you’ve been putting off for the past three days, and you KNOW you’ve been procrastinating, plus what you were supposed to do today but got distracted by Netflix & Facebook, while preparing yourself from the onslaught of BS you know is coming down the pipeline in the coming days. Oh, and helping your kids with their homework, which is trivial bullshit that you can’t remember how to do because you’re so fried from everything else. WHAT IS MATH. I CANNOT MATH.
Is it too late to opt out of adulthood?
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times