For the most part, I knew the basic requirements of motherhood before I had kids of my own. Long days, late nights with little to no sleep (usually leaning more toward the NO), scant pay–only coming in the form of snuggles and the occasional sense of pride and joy… that is, when you’re not dozing off. I knew about the ass wiping, the seemingly never-ending tantrums, the booboos, hell, even the homework I’d have to help with. I knew about all of these things. I wasn’t prepared for them, heeeeeeell no, but I knew they were part of the package.
There are things that I do now on a daily basis that did NOT come with the package. These, I feel, are defective, and I would like to return them for a full refund. I will not accept store credit, I just don’t want to do them!
Now, you could go all sanctimommy and tell me to better parent my kid, and if you wanna go down that path, yeah, sure, I could. But let’s keep in mind that not all kids are the same, so not all forms of parenting works the same on every kid. SO YEAH, I’M STUCK DOING THIS SHIT.
I’m cool with being woken up before my alarm, I guess. I’ve become immune to listening to my kids talk nonstop about Minecraft, even though I feel like I should be paid per minute. I’ve even accepted the fact that my kids are nearly in the double digits and I’m still wiping snot off of their faces.
I’m FINE with every weird nook and cranny of parenthood…. except these five things. FIVE jobs I’ve taken on as a parent against my will, that I wish I could quit.
1. Couch spelunking. I spend far too much of my time digging in between the cushions of my couches and digging crap out that my kids have carelessly left behind. Of course, it’s never shit I WANT to find, like money… my sanity. It’s nasty shit, like dirty socks, week-old Goldfish, and granola bar wrappers.
2. Cup collecting. No matter how many times I tell them, ONE CUP PER DAY. RE-FUCKING-USE THE ONE YOU HAVE. They don’t. They use a different cup for every. single. beverage. Even if it’s the same beverage. They even use cups for snacks. And then they proceed to leave them around the house, forcing me to pick them up like I’m on an Easter egg hunt, only what’s inside isn’t candy, it’s rancid ass milk.
3. Sherlock Holmes-ing. I am not a detective. I have no interest in going into the PI business. I don’t have heat-seeking abilities, or an implanted metal detector, or X-Ray vision, yet somehow, when the kids lose shit (which is ALWAYS) they immediately come to me to find it. Of course, they go on and on about how long they’ve been looking to no avail, but we all know they haven’t actually looked beyond scanning the area directly in front of them with their eyes.
4. De-Underwearing Pants. A hell of a lot more laundry would get done around here if I didn’t spend 50% of the time I have for it removing underwear from pants.
I’ll be honest- this blog was supposed to be 5 jobs I wanted to quit, but thanks to all the de-underwearing, Sherlock Holmesing, couch spelunking, and cup collecting I had to do, I completely spaced on #5, which I guess is fine, because there are really about 25 odd jobs I got roped into when I became a parent that I’d totally quit if I could, but I can’t. Maybe that’s #5. I’d quit not being able to quit ANY OF THESE THINGS.
What about you? What job would YOU quit if you could?
Every. single. time. pic.twitter.com/qxy23khtts
Sneaky Life Lessons with Netflix! goo.gl/fb/XZtzdP
I am powerless against chips & salsa pic.twitter.com/Rx2wivW4uR
Assuming that periods are nothing more than cramps and bloating is doing women a HUGE disservice. Here's the truth: holdinholden.com/2017/04/men-…
I guess their taste buds are just THAT advanced. pic.twitter.com/yqzIQHzHS9
The closest I've come to public nudity is when my kid opened the bathroom door on me at Starbucks.