Asteroid covered in bacteria hitting the earth? Nuclear meltdowns? CDC explosion? Mutant flu strain? Testing on rats gone wrong? How do YOU think the zombie apocalypse will begin?
People have been spinning theories for longer than I’ve been alive. Even back in the dark ages when they put bells on caskets just in case people just so happened to rise from the dead. All the speculation, the tv shows, the urban legends, the myths, the movies…. they’re wrong.
How? How could I possibly know the unknown? How can I state that all the literature, all the science fiction, won’t come to be fact? BECAUSE. I am patient zero!
That’s right. If the zombie apocalypse ravages the entire planet, it probably started in my humble abode. Nukes aren’t to blame, neither is radiation, infectious disease leak from the CDC, animal testing, asteroids reanimating the dead from their graves, no.
This is where that book series/move “The 5th Wave” had it all wrong. You don’t kill off the adults and leave the children. You start by infecting the children. It seems so innocent. Childhood cold, keeps them home from school for a few days, and then they’re good to go. But once the parents get it, and they ALWAYS get it, it’s 75 times worse, 80 times longer, and has them wondering if this is it. If this bitch-ass head cold is how it all ends.
WELL IT IS.
It all starts with what you think is a cold. Runny nose, mild fever. No big deal. Or, you don’t think so, until you hear 5 other kids in your child’s class are also out with the same thing. You get your kid well, back to school, and then you catch it, along with 3 more classmates and 6 teachers. Days later, they come home with yet another illness, only this time, it’s changed. Stomach ache, nausea, lack of appetite. They delightfully pass that one on to you, too, when you certainly didn’t ask for it, nor did you want it. The third illness comes home shortly after– taking out 8 classmates and your entire family with wheezing cough, extreme congestion, general sense of misery. You haven’t even recovered from the other two illnesses before you’re floored by this one.
That is precisely what’s going on in my house right now. I’m just waiting for skin to start rotting or limbs to fall off, or to suddenly have an insatiable urge to consume human flesh. It hasn’t happened yet, but I’ve clearly got the plague, so it’s only a matter of time.
If it doesn’t start here, with me– it will start in an elementary school, probably somewhere near you. Prepare the lysol & the bunker.
In the immortal words of Bruno Mars: “Don’t believe me? Just watch.”
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times