Don’t believe the black plague still exists? Try sending your little one off to elementary school. They’ve got the back plague, purple plague, orange plague, striped plague, polka dotted plague– pretty much every illness you can imagine, your kid will come home with in those glorious 5 years of school, making you feel like you’ve given birth to patient zero of the zombie apocalypse.
My house has gotten bitch-slapped by the booger-bug over the past two weeks. First with Holden, then the husband, then me & Parker got smacked by the snot simultaneously. Two weeks in a row, I’ve had a kid home sick, and while they are very different humans, sick kids are pretty much all the same.
HOW? Well- allow me to enlighten you:
1. They will nag, beg, and whine at you for weirdly specific food, and eat less than half of it, leaving the rest to be thrown away because they’ve infected it and no one else can eat it.
2. Any body part that propels them to do something for themselves does not work. This non working body part rotates throughout the day. Unless you aren’t looking. Everything magically works again when you aren’t looking.
3. They get weird, random bursts of extreme energy and try to convince you that they’re miraculously all better, but you know it’s a trap, and that they’re going to feel even more like garbage in 10 minutes, but you can’t stop them from bouncing off the walls, so… yeah… you’re screwed.
4. Not sick? Give it time.
5. Even if you are sick– we’re talking, head pounding, puke flowing, booger dripping, can hardly function, sick– you are not, and will never be, as sick as they think they are.
6. They might be whiny, annoying, exaggerating, needy, and you might feel like garbage, or you’re exhausted, have no energy– but you’ll still get them everything they need because you love them and hate when they even feel the slightest bit like garbage.
Sound familiar? Well, you’re in for it. May the Force (and the immune system) be with you.
Please stop Complimenting my kids’ “Good” Behavior goo.gl/fb/rwfojS
Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.
Parenthood is when you start counting the minutes to bed time before 11am.
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