I’m not the betting type, but I would be pretty confident putting a hefty sum of money on that you wouldn’t at all be surprised if I told you that I got weird looks when people ask me how being a mom is going and I’m like “I dunno, dude. I don’t think I’m gonna make it.”
Not weird because I call everyone dude– WHO DOESN’T???– but people really think I’m kidding.
I snort. “Well, I don’t know about that, but I dunno, I might not survive.”
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m a shit parent. I don’t really think my kids are shit kids. But MANY days test me to the point where I really think I might not make it out of motherhood alive. I will perish from stress, or my head exploding, or sleep deprivation, or insanity. Or maybe a combination of all of those. Children are like the ultimate product testers, and the product is us parents.
How far CAN we push them? How long IS the battery life? How much CAN they bend before they break? Will they explode under pressure? How much does it take before they short circuit?
Not very far. Not very long. Not very much. Yes, absolutely. About 2 weeks of winter break, followed by a 5 day weekend thanks to snow, followed by only a 2 day week, only to be capped off by another 3 day weekend thanks to a holiday.
Yes, you read that right. After 2 weeks of whine-filled winter vacation, my brain had finally relaxed, knowing they’d be going back to school and I could get back to my usual grind of silence & writing, only to have my dreams and my sanity crushed by a disgusting storm full of stupid white snow that crapped on the very next school week, cutting it down to 2 days. By that time, I was so far gone, that I’d completely spaced that the following Monday was a holiday, meaning, yet another long weekend and shortened school week.
I’ve been through a lot in my years as a parent, y’all. Sick babies. Sanctimommies. Developmental “delays”. Baby therapies. Extreme sleep deprivation. Thirteen hour car rides. Being puked on while on an airplane.
These could have ALL been my breaking point, but no, I somehow made it through, and I thought to myself–if I can make it through all of THAT, I can make it through anything parenthood has to throw at me! Those were only the previews.
I don’t know why I bring this on myself. I don’t know why I have to go and jinx it. I didn’t ask for the snow! It’s all part of the curse! The main event, friends. Could I make it through the triple whammy of holiday-snow days-holiday? If that wasn’t enough, fate decided to toss in a 9 year old with a raging case of the man-cold, a little brother who seems to have decided to whine in between every word he speaks, and a bored husband with less patience than me. I’m pretty sure I don’t need to tell fellow parents how the time was spent, or how much time I spent nearly tearing my hair out, or hiding in the bathroom, or wishing all the rock shows I’d gone to actually made me lose my hearing like my parents always threatened.
Yeah… I was 99.99999% positive I was doomed.
And then, somehow, miraculously, it was over. I found myself driving the kids back to school this morning, each of us in one piece. Just like all the other times I thought I would fall apart, I didn’t.
I wanted to end this by giving you some uplifting note about how we can all make it through our most trying times as parents, even when we swear we’re about to sell our kids (and spouses) on the black market, but… sooner rather than later, the kids will be dating, and all bets are off.
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8
When you think your kid is done telling a story and you're finally free but they immediately start telling another pic.twitter.com/zM5gtwNCnj