Me vs. the Kids: Snowpocalypse 2017

I don’t know if you know this- but there’s a storm a’comin’ for these here southern states. I don’t know if you know this, but these here southern states are never EVER prepared for these kinds of storms–whether they dump a foot of snow or so little it barely dusts the still-green grass– any kind of white precipitation means our states are closed. Don’t come here. Don’t try to use the roads. Don’t try to go anywhere. Don’t think you can escape your frickin’ family, because you can’t. You’re snowed in. Deal with it.

My kids are thrilled. Nothing could make them happier than the prospect of snow to play in and possible cancelled days of school. I remember those days. Only… we could have a foot of ice on the street and the buses would still come even if you broke your ass trying to walk to the bus stop, but I digress. I used to love the snow. I would play outside until my fingers froze, and I’d have to come back in and sit by the fire and listen to my mom lecture me about frostbite, but I didn’t care. I went full Frozen Anna and built a snowman, and nothing was better than that. It’s almost like kids don’t even notice how cold it is until they’re crying about the tingles in their extremities from being frozen to the damn bone.

We woke up this morning going from there being a winter storm warning to it being a guaranteed SNOWPOCALYPSE. Guaranteed snowfall. Possible “blizzard-like” conditions. Basically, this means we aren’t going AN-EE-WHEREEEEEE.

My kids reaction:

7 year old: I can’t wait to make snow angels!
9 year old: I can’t wait to have a snowball fight!

20+ years ago, I had the same reaction, but as time passed, my love of all things flurry falling from the sky faded away and deep within me grow a dark, icky brown mound of hatred of all snow types. I hated that it trapped me. I hated that it ruined my plans to get out of the house. I NEEDED TO LIVE! I NEEDED TO BE PRODUCTIVE! I HAD THINGS TO GO! PLACES TO BE! This hatred has boiled within me for for well over a decade now. Unfortunately, not enough to melt the evil that is snow, but yeah–boiling.

Yet still, most recently, something again has changed. No, I didn’t go all Grinch, and my heart didn’t grow three sizes, and I still f’ing HATE SNOW… but only because I hate the cold, it’s evil, I don’t like it when it makes my face hurt, I’m clumsy, I don’t wanna slip and die. Not because it ruined my plans.

I now hear that snow is coming down, and I think, “well, at least I don’t have to go anywhere.”

Is this it? Is this how it ends? Is this how I die? Is this the final stage of life? I went from loving snow, to hating snow because it ruined my plans, to loving that it ruins my plans.

If this is it, if this is how it ends- comfy on my couch, snowed the fuck in

Posted on January 6, 2017 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
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