7 Important things I’ve Learned After Five Million Loads of Laundry

Throughout my life, I’ve never really liked anyone else messing with my dirty clothes, so when it came to my own family, my own kids, it was only natural for me to take the reins on the mountains of laundry we create. I don’t consider it part of my “job”- I just don’t trust anyone else to do it right.

Thirty plus years has brought me to today, when I shoved my five millionth load (a number I’ve reached by zero scientific or mathematical calculations whatsoever) into the washer. That’s a lot of laundry, people. I think I’ve spent the majority of the past 10 years handling other people’s unmentionables. I could just grumble. Consider becoming a nudist. Toss everything in the trash and start over. Instead, I like to use the most miserable experiences in my life as learning experiences. BECAUSE WHY NOT? If I spend 87% of my time washing other peoples clothes, I’d better take something positive away from it other than hands that smell like dryer sheets and kids who don’t smell like fart salad.
And let me tell you, I’ve learned a lot. Not just about my family, but about life in general. Yes, just by doing the laundry. No, it’s not just that my children are physically incapable of removing their underwear from their pants before tossing them into the dirty pile.

1.No one will notice if you get lazy and wash all of their clothes in cold water. NO ONE IS POLICING THIS.

2. You can lead them to the laundry basket, but you can’t make them actually put dirty clothes IN it.

3. There’s no elf stealing socks. They’re under your couch. Or stuffed in between the cushions. Or hiding in bed sheets.

4. Adequate butt wiping is a harder skill to learn than writing in cursive. Dear. God. The skidmarks.

5. You CAN pull something out of the dirty clothes and tell your kid it’s clean if you forgot to watch it. Again- NO ONE IS POLICING THIS!

6. It’s totally acceptable to do your ironing in the dryer.

7. Folding laundry should be considered a form of torture.


So, next time you’re considering setting the never-ending, seemingly reproducing stack of laundry on fire, remember the above. And take a deep breath. Well, not a deep breath OVER the stanky ass laundry- but, like… one outside. It’ll help.

Posted on December 19, 2016 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden