I thought I had more time. More time to prepare. More time to think it over. At least 5 more years should have been allowed before this happened. My world is spinning. My mind is reeling. How could this be my life now? How could I have been so blind to how it all played out? I wasn’t ready! Maybe I wasn’t ever going to be, but I never had the chance to really come to terms with it before it happened. WHY? WHY ME?? WHY NOW? HOW DID IT COME TO THIS??
I opened the door and all I found was emptiness. Cold, dark, emptiness.
Because my kids ATE ALL THE FOOD.
They’re not teenagers. They aren’t going through puberty. They don’t need the extra fuel you do when you’re growing like a mofo and sprouting hair in weird places. They are 9 and 7. I understand a love of snacks. I LOVE SNACKS. Snacks are amazing! But we go shopping multiple times per week. We spend a stupid amount of money on food. We are constantly stocked to the brim with fruits, veggies, crackers, other random crap we picked up along the way. Yet, still, every other day I hear the pantry door creak open, shortly followed by a whiny voice yelling through the house “THERE’S NOTHING TO EAT!”
HOW DO SUCH LITTLE HUMANS EAT SO MUCH FOOD? WHERE DO THEY PUT IT? Do I have extra family members I don’t know about? Are the sock elves really food elves? Have house mice become intelligent super-beings and learned to steal food from my pantry? DID THE DOGS DO IT? HOW DID THEY MANAGE WITHOUT OPPOSABLE THUMBS? HOW?!
All these years I spent thinking I should be putting money into a college fund when the REAL money should go into a snack fund, because if this is how rabid they are as children, once they’re teens I’m totally boned.
Heed my warning: Start saving now!
Frying pans. Who knew, right? pic.twitter.com/usSQcFGpmI
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8