Last night, my husband admitted to me that one of his “secret” favorite movies is “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”– you know, the one with Kate Hudson & Matthew McConaughey, where Kate’s character acts completely batshit stereotypical clingy female, names his penis, buys a dog that pees all over everything and I have willed myself to forget what else in order to get Matthew’s character to dump her so she can prove some kind of point in an article? Yeah. That one. I’m pretty sure this wasn’t a secret to me…. well, it isn’t anymore even if it was.
TEN DAYS. She thought it would take her TEN days to scare a dude away. That doesn’t even sound absurd to me because I live in a house with all boys, and lemme tell you what- I’ve got her beat. The husband has managed to stick around for almost 10 years now, but while I can’t seem to lose him, I can ruin my kids entire days in less than TEN minutes. Without even trying! I already had that very morning before Thomas divulged his dirty little not-so secret to me.
You see, I had made the dire mistake of, while my child was throwing a fit about hit seatbelt locking before driving him and his brother to school, to tell him to “chill.” Y’know, calm down, take a breath, re-evaluate. JUST. CHILL. My child, instead of thinking about my words and reacting accordingly, yelled back at me “I HAVE NONE!”
No chill. Nine years out and completely barren of chill. He proceeded to grumble the rest of the short trip there. Day ruined- 5 seconds flat. Beat that, Kate Hudson!
Today alone, and as I type this, the day isn’t even close to being over, and I have ruined my kids days multiple times. HOW have I pulled this off, you might ask?
I asked what they wanted for breakfast
I asked if they were wearing socks
I DARED to pick out a shirt that was too big for the 9 year old, even though he could pick out his clothes himself but won’t
I told them to hurry up
I decided to heat up the car
I made them wear coats
I asked if their bookbags were packed
I reminded them not to forget their lunches, because they were totally going to
I told one his shoe was untied
I made the other say “please” before I would help him reach something on a tall shelf
I told them we were having leftovers for dinner (ones they LOVED last night)
I’d be annoyed by it if I didn’t consider it a public service. How else are these kids gonna learn what stupid shit in life doesn’t really affect your day unless they deal with it? If their lives are good enough to have these insignificant things bother them, their lives must be pretty good, right? BUT- it’s important to learn to let little shit go. My job is to teach them.
More day ruinings, embarrassments, and awkward moments are in their futures–as they should be.
Best compliment you can give me is to tell me you hope your future kids turn out like mine. I mean, you're lying, but it's a nice compliment
Where you should be spending your Saturday night twitch.tv/holdinholden
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