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How to tell if your kid has gone from just sick to full-on Man Cold

mancold

Women have started using the term “Man Cold” so often these days that it almost seems like an urban legend. Is it real, or is it just something that’s been built up so much over time that it haunts all men once they start to sniffle?

As a woman who lives in a house filled with 3 of the male species (5 if you include one of the dogs and the a-hole bunny), I can tell you, it’s not a legend. BUT, this dark cloud known as the dreaded “man cold” does not affect all men. At least, not immediately. My dad is over 60 and has still yet to come down with this mysterious illness. I don’t know when my husband came down with it, but if he gets sick, it’s the end of the world.

My kids, though, I thought MAYBE, they were safe. The change, if it happens, is a slow spread much like the zombie apocalypse. It’s the MAN COLD APOCALYPSE. You think I’m being dramatic until you have to deal with it, take care of it, watch it fester, hope that it stops.

There’s really no way to avoid it if it finds itself creeping into the males in your home, but there are ways to notice it and possibly maybe kind of prepare yourself for the load of whiny bullshit you’re about to deal with. Maybe. A little. Okay, there’s no way to prepare, but at least you’ll know it’s coming and to stock up on the booze, and that’s pretty much the same thing, right?

You see, my boys had always been “good” sick kids… well, as good as a sick kid can be, anyway. They were sweet, and sleepy, and didn’t look at me like I snotted on their pillow and caused their sickness. The newly crowned 7 year old is STILL like that, and it’s glorious. He lays on the couch with a blanket, I pop on the Netflix, and he quietly watches, maybe even naps, until he’s feeling well enough to be back to his usual sassy self. It’s almost like a momcation. I praised the sweet cheezus for blessing me with a child who didn’t man-cold all over my house, since I already have a grown one of those. I took my periods with stride because I knew my uterus smiled on me for once by giving me “easy” kids, at least in one respect.

And then, one day, something changed. An evil strain of the dreaded man-cold invaded my house. I didn’t know, because it was a gradual process, but slowly, it possessed the once peacefully booger-filled 9 year old I knew and replaced him with… well… what I’m dealing with today. It’s like Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hyde, only with a lot more complaining.

It was hard to see the changes at first, because they were so gradual, but now that it’s full-blown OHMYFUCKINGGODJUSTGETWELLSOICANSENDYOUBACKTOSCHOOL status, I can now see what I missed these past months. I want to share this knowledge with you. KNOW THE SIGNS, PEOPLE!

How to tell if your child has developed a full-on MAN COLD:

  1. They aren’t just sick. THEY’RE DYING. EVERYTHING IS BROKEN. MY LEGS DON’T WORK. NOTHING WORKS!
  2. They no longer want your cuddles, or to spread their germs all over you. Why? Because this is all your fault, duh.
  3. They can’t POSSIBLY get up and get their own drink, or walk to their own bed, or grab a blanket… even though they were running around 5 minutes earlier, and will be running around 5 minutes later like nothing is wrong.
  4. The level of whining has gone from understandable to “how much do kids go for on the black market right now?”
  5. Their head is “killing them” but they’d rather complain CONSTANTLY instead of resting, taking a nap, or watching a movie, or just FOR THE LOVE OF SHUTTING UP.
  6. They’re STARVING so you make them what they want and then OMFG THEY DIDN’T WANT THAT so you take it away and OMFG WHY DID YOU TAKE IT AWAY I’M STARVING?!
  7. You begin regretting your decision to procreate

 

If you’ve noticed any of the above, or anything that seems like the onset of them, HURRY! THERE’S STILL TIME! Get to the liquor store before it’s too late! Lock yourself in your room! Change your name! MOM doesn’t live here anymore!

Good luck!

Posted on October 21, 2016 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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