It’s not just that the summer has worn me down to the point that I don’t care. It’s not that with every year that passes I become a crappier and crappier mom. More tired, yes, but not crappier. It’s not that I don’t occasionally helicopter from time to time. And it’s definitely not the every day changes in life that we notice like the fact that my not even 9 year old already has horrendous body odor and OMFG HOW DID WE GET TO THIS POINT ALREADY I’M NOT PREPARED FOR PUBERTY!
No, no. It’s none of those.
As I sat on my couch this morning and heard elephant turds falling to the ground size thumps coming from the ceiling above me, and I didn’t have to grind my teeth together to prevent myself from charging up the stairs- I have officially reached another level of motherhood.
THEN: Run and intervene, help them figure out an immediate solution or just f’ing solve it for them
NOW: “FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELVES!”- from the couch. While sipping coffee.
THEN: Ask what the kids want, if they want something different- why the hell not? Prepare their specific orders like a seasoned chef
NOW: They’ll get whatever the hell I’m making, and they aren’t gonna complain about it or they get nothing.
THEN: Listen intently and try to decipher what actually happened. Figure out if it is worthy of punishment.
NOW: “DON’T TATTLE TO ME UNLESS YOU ARE INJURED, I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY!”
THEN: Run to the source of the noise while praying something or someone is not broken
NOW: *listens for screams* *no screams* Meh.
THEN: Tended to every need- full well knowing I would end up sick, and I always did
NOW: *wears full hazmat suit* You just… stay over there. I’ll toss you some meds *washes hands profusely*
THEN: Shared all the things. Usually got left with backwash or soggy crackers.
NOW: “Oh, no, honey. You can’t have any of this. It has alcohol in it” (only true half the time)
THEN: Oh, fudge! You little lint lickers better stop farting around or I’m going to punish your hinies!
NOW: Look. Some things just deserve a “fuck”
THEN: Very strictly limited, educational programming only
NOW: OMFG IF IT WILL SHUT YOU UP, GO AHEAD!
THEN: Let’s make it into a fun game!
NOW: If you don’t pick up your shit, I’ll take your door off the hinges and donate all of your toys.
I am not the mother I once was… and I’m probably not the same mother I will be tomorrow. Or maybe I’ve just morphed into Roseanne.
Frying pans. Who knew, right? pic.twitter.com/usSQcFGpmI
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8