I wanted to name this blog “How having kids destroyed my ability to carry a conversation and made me completely socially awkward to the point where I don’t really have any female friends”- but “Never a Bridesmaid” was catchier.
(Note: I’m not mad. I don’t blame the kids, nor do I resent them. This is just how it goes.)
It’s not like I was ever one of the “popular” kids, but I never found myself sitting alone at lunch. I was kind of a bitch in highschool, but I found a really great group of girlfriends who had my back no matter what. These relationships extended years beyond graduation, even through moves, and failed relationships, and stupid, petty fights. I’ve always believed in quality over quantity, and my friends were definitely quality. Thick as thieves. Partners in crime.
And then I got pregnant.
One stopped talking to me immediately. The one who was actually my roommate at the time. One I considered one of my “best” friends, who I thought would have my back through it all. She didn’t. I’d say about 75% of my friends bailed. I wasn’t mad. Hurt, yes, mad- no. People change. I was the first in my group of friends to take on marriage and a child. Was it shitty? Yes. But I still had many friends sticking by me. My bridesmaids. My high school besties.
Over time, though, even those relationships changed. I found it nearly impossible to get out of the house, and they made new friends, and I found myself pretty alone. All these women I’d known for so long, moving on, meeting new people, getting married- and I’d been a bride, but I’ve never been close enough to any woman to be a bridesmaid.
I really meant this blog to be less depressing. I swear, we’re getting there!
I crawled into my mom hole. I didn’t click with other moms, and my friends didn’t really click with me- but I had my kids, and when my husband got home- at least I got adult interaction there, right??
Yeah, no. My daily conversations generally consisted of butt-wiping instructions and arguments over vegetables. And when the husband finally came strolling through the door, all refreshed from his day in the real world and wanted to regail me with tales of his work-day, it was just like….. no sir. I needed REAL conversation! Gossip! Girl talk! SOMETHING JUICE- FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, ANYTHING!
It’s gotten to the point that any time I find myself around other actual living, breathing humans that don’t live behind my computer screen, I’m so fucking awkward it’s painful.
Uhhh… yeah… so… what I do for fun is… write about poop and snort at shit I find on the internet….
What did I do over the weekend? I mean… yelled at my kids, picked a mystery spot of crusty something or other off of my shirt that I’m sure was a booger, and tried not to lose my mind? I mean….
I have nothing to say! I’m broken! But this occurrence is rare. Very rare, indeed. For I don’t really have any friends left that I hang out with on a regular basis, and I’d rather scoop out my eyeballs with a rusty spoon than go to a mom group or playdate, and trying to make mom friends is harder than winning the lottery. You never know who you’ll click with, if your kids will like each other, if they’re judgy. It’s completely overwhelming.
So, with all that being said, I have a suggestion to all moms out there– BE KIND! SAY HELLO! PLAN GIRLS NIGHTS! Help your awkward socially inept mom friends leave their homes, because it seems that we have no idea how to do it on our own or have become to weird to ask because we’re weird people with lacking conversational skills, but that doesn’t mean we just want to sit here like turds all the time!
I’m not saying you have to be besties with every mom you come across- I mean, let’s face it- most of us can’t stand other moms. Or their kids. And it’s not because we think we’re better than everyone else. Moms and kids are annoying. All of’em. I’m just saying, be friendly. You never know how long it’s been since she’s last conversed with humans that reside outside of her house.
Frying pans. Who knew, right? pic.twitter.com/usSQcFGpmI
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8