My kids got out of school for summer break later than many kids in the country, but I’m already counting down the days, minutes, hours, milliseconds, until school starts up again.
I don’t feel the need to defend the fact that I love my kids to the moon and back after I say the following: THEY ARE DRIVING ME BATSHIT CRAZY. Something about the combination of being with them 24/7, the heat, their ages,
the fact that they’re assholes, stir craziness…. who knows. What I do know is that I’ve been searching for basically any way to stay sane. Even if it might be frowned upon. Even if it requires bribery. Even if it dips into “bad mom” territory. I DON’T CARE! What’s important is that we all make it to the first day of school and I have that glorious moment of drop-kicking them out the front door like “BYE SUCKAS!” and finally having my house to myself again. But HOW?! It feels so far away!
It’s not the first time I’ve written a blog of this nature. HAHAHAHAHA, no. But… my last recommendations just aren’t quite cuttin’ it these days.
With that in mind, here are some ideas I came up with for making the long summer days feel just a liiiiiiittle bit shorter. I cannot confirm nor deny whether I’ve done any of these. I cannot even say I even recommend doing any of these****, but, hey. I won’t judge.
Who the hell’s gonna notice if your coffee has Bailey’s in it?
Ummm, no, kids. I’m NOT drinking alcohol. It’s POTATO JUICE. K? I’m being healthy. How ’bout you go be healthy over there. No… farther….. farther… Yeah. All the way over there. Now sshhhhh while mama drinks her veggies.
Super fun game time! Lock the kids in their rooms and tell them you’re playing “Prison” for the day. They’re the prisoners, and you’re the guard. They can even experience the joy of getting their food shoved under the door! Best part? It’s a FREE all-day experience! Not only are you giving your kids a unique one-of-a-kind, but it will stick with them for a lifetime. No prison in their futures! Good for you, mom. Good. For. You.
Lock yourself in the bathroom with your tablet (if you have one), your phone, a good book or ten, and copious amounts of snacks, and tells the kids you have airborne diarrhea. Stay and relax while they learn to DO SOMETHING FOR THEMSELVES FOR ONCE!
TAKE A WALK
Walk to the front porch and take a deep breath. Hell, why stop there? Walk to the driveway. Get in your car. Drive away. Change your name. Start a new life.
Or, y’know, you could just download Pokemon Go and they’ll never ask you for anything again other than rides to catch wild Pokemon, and, damnit, at least they’re out of your buttcrack and out of the house and not BREATHING ON YOU EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY
aaaaaaaaand… yeah… is it September yet?
****No, I don’t really recommend any of these. If you can’t laugh at the above, you know not of the struggle!
Getting my hair done today! Honestly more excited that my husband has to pick up the kids from school than I am about a fresh 'do
17 Stupidly Impossible Things our Kids Think we can do that we… well… can’t. goo.gl/fb/RrkM47
The fact that this is accurate for my life means it's finally happened: I've become my mother. pic.twitter.com/xrIGOoM5Q9
Vacation season is upon is! This is just your friendly reminder that trips with kids are NOT vacations. holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
If you've ever dreamed of having a smaller, angrier version of yourself that you have to argue with over booger eating, kids are for you.
Repeat for infinity while yelling "I JUST CLEANED THAT" pic.twitter.com/pmfEpm3hJU
I love it when my kid is proud of his new accomplishments. I just wish he wouldn't come into my room at 5am to yell them at me while I sleep
Don't grow up- it's a trap! holdinholden.com/2017/05/10-w…
FYI: When I said "enough with the cold weather! It's MAY! Give us heat!" I didn't mean that I wanted to take a vacation to Satan's anus.