DISCLAIMER: What You Need to Know Before House-Sitting my Messy Ass House


The one thing I don’t like about having pets is the fact that I can’t just drop everything and leave town. I have to make all kinds of special arrangements to make sure my animals are well taken care of. Well… that and when they steal tampons out of the trash and leave them all over the house.

I know- a small price to pay for the ceaseless love and affection furry friends offer- but it’s annoying. Especially when all the plans you put in place to make sure your pets are well taken care of fall through. At the last second. Which is exactly what happened. Which means I’m reaching out to all kinds of friends and family asking them to fill in- which means they will see my house, and not just the parts of the house I have presentable when company comes over, but the WHOLE house. All of it. Not just medicine cabinets that some people are obsessed with going through. Every last inch.

I’ve never been what one might consider “organized”- but there’s nothing quite like having children systematically undoing ALL of your cleaning and tidying directly behind you every single day of your damn life. My house is a wreck. It doesn’t matter what I do. It doesn’t matter how many hours I spend scrubbing, or how many dollars I bribe them with to clean the toilet THEY peed all over for the 47th time this week. It’s a hot ass mess, and while I’m not EMBARRASSED by it, I feel like I should leave a disclaimer to the ones who step into my house and call it theirs for a few days while I’m not there to shove shit into a closet while they aren’t looking.

My disclaimer would say the following-

  1. Go ahead and search through my medicine cabinet. You wanna get high off of baby Tylenol, that’s on you. Just don’t take so much that you think eating the dog food is a good idea. It’s not a good idea.
  2. Why yes, that WAS a tumbleweed of dog hair you saw blowing through the living room. It’s not going to grow legs and hurt you. We’ve all learned to live with it.
  3. You’re welcome to use our Netflix account, but do me a solid and log into my account and not into one of the kids’. I’m cool with whatever weird shit you watch but I don’t want my kids to click on the boob tube and see a ton of actual boobs.
  4. The laundry on the floor is clean.
  5. Anything in the fridge is fair game, but I’d smell anything in a Tupperware first. Leftover night often turns into “I forgot those were in there, let’s just order pizza” night.
  6. Yes, go ahead and make yourself a drink. Yes, we have a lot. You’ve met my kids.
  7. Beware of Legos. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. We think of the house as an obstacle course.
  8. The couch closest to the TV is broken. We call it “This is why we can’t have nice things”
  9. There’s a giant spider that is hiding under the other couch because my family absolutely FAILED TO DESTROY IT and I just thought you should know because I’m pretty sure it’s out for blood
  10. You’re not going to find any dirty magazines under the mattresses or under the bed, but you might find dirty underwear. Why? The kids think the proper thing to do once they’ve taken them off is fling them around the house.

It’s a wonder I ever get anyone to agree. What would be on YOUR house-sitting disclaimer?

Posted on July 5, 2016 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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