7 Childhood Lessons in Non-Assholism that Adults Should Learn, Too


Don’t climb on that, don’t do that, don’t sit there, DON’T EAT THAT! I swear, it sometimes feels like we do nothing but tell our kids NOT to do things– most of which are for their own good. Some of which are for our sanity. A lot of which are for their health and safety.

I don’t want my kids raised in a world full of NO, but I also don’t want them to be assholes. The world has too many of those, and it’s so easy to avoid becoming one. It’s much harder to undo assholism once it’s deeply ingrained in your being. Sure, there’s your typical respect, and then there are things that just have to be learned over time- and these may seem to be what you might consider “common courtesy”- but it appears 90% of adults missed the damn memo and say these things that make you want to put a foot in their ass, so if I can prevent my kids from getting shoes stuck up their butts by teaching them these things early- I’m gonna do it.


1. Don’t tell someone to smile. Or tell them they need to “smile more”. Or tell them they’re “prettier/better looking when they smile.”
No one has to smile for anyone else. Not everyone smiles all the time. That shit gives you wrinkles.

2. Don’t deny someone’s struggle. Never try to illegitimize it by telling them “it could be worse.” That doesn’t help. Ever. Every struggle is legit- even if you don’t understand it, or can’t relate to it.

3. Don’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant. Seriously. Just don’t.

4. Don’t judge someone based on their height, or their weight, or how attractive you mind find their outsides. People are far uglier on the inside.

5. Don’t call people fat. Or tell them they need to eat a sandwich. Or comment on their size at all. IT’S RUDE!

6. You do not know everything. Don’t ever act like you do. The internet does not give you PhD after hours of reading bullshit articles.

7. Don’t one-up. Let people have their moments. Life is NOT a competition.


I’m not saying you’re an asshole if you do any of these things, but…. wait. Yes I am. Stop it.


Posted on July 27, 2016 by Holdin' Holden 4 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • I love this! Especially the smiling one. When I was in high school the guidance counselor called my mom and told her I was suicidal because i never smiled. She also told my teacher and some of my friends to keep an eye on me. I was not suicidal, I just wasn’t a huge fan of school. It was really annoying because she basically by the way she talked to me in front of people made me out to be a very unstable person.

    • That’s the biggest problem- trying to make someone feel bad for simply NOT SMILING can be damaging. There’s nothing wrong with RBF. And NOT smiling doesn’t mean you aren’t happy.

  • I smile. A lot. But my late-thirties self wasn’t smiling when the college career counselor’s sole advice was just to go out and smile at everybody, all the time, and that would get me a job. (Gotta love the U.S. South :-P)

  • Patricia Caravello-Harbin July 28, 2016 at 4:11 pm

    You are the best. I get your posts and I’ve never been a parent but today I discipovered you have your own blog. You should be triplets you’re so damn righteous.