How I am Singlehandedly Destroying My Children’s Lives and am The Meanest Mommy Ever

meanestSome women brag about being able to fit into the jeans they wore in highschool. I like to brag that I can destroy my children’s entire day by asking them to take the bag of Goldfish back to the kitchen. Or by asking them what they want for breakfast. Or by telling them it’s time to brush their teeth. Or by reminding them to flush the toilet. Or by telling them to eat their dinner before they die. Or just by saying “Good Morning.”

My kids aren’t bad kids. They’re not (completely) spoiled brats. They do chores (sometimes WITHOUT immediately asking to be paid). They say please and thank you. But they’re kids, and kids are assholes.


We try to be decent parents and teach them to clean up after themselves like decent human beings, but it always seems to go the same way

Me: Can you take the bag of Goldfish back to the kitchen where you got it?
Kid: Ugggghhhhh
Me: Seriously. You brought it out, you’re done, so return it
Kid: *heavy sigh*
Me: I’m serious. Get up and take it back
Kid: *makes sounds more obnoxious than nails on a chalkboard*
Me: Go.
Kid: *finally gets up to return the stupid Goldfish while muttering about me being “mean”*

They use this word “mean” like it’s offensive to us, like it will make us feel bad, like we will hear it and suddenly be like “OMFG I’M SO SORRY FOR BEING MEAN TO YOU, FLUFFY! PLEASE, SMEAR YOUR GOLDFISH INTO MY COUCH AND LEAVE IT, I’LL TAKE CARE OF IT LATER!”
They’re wrong. I wear the “Mean Mommy” title like a badge of honor. I’m not here to be your maid, or your servant, or your BFF. I’d love to be friends, but it isn’t at the top of my priority list. Helping you children become functioning adults who aren’t total dickholes is at the top of the list, after making sure you’re fed, and clean.

Yes. We’re so mean. Because we don’t want roaches or rats or over-priced food to go bad. Mean because we don’t like smelling days-old pee in the toilet because for SOME REASON flushing is beyond the depths of their comprehension. SUPER DUPER MEAN because we’d like them to some day be able to attract a mate and move the fuck out of our houses and they won’t be able to do that if they’re disgusting slobs with crusty-pee toilets. WE’RE JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU! AND OURSELVES! BUT MOSTLY YOU!

And also- flush the damn toilet.

Posted on May 4, 2016 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Carolyn Myers May 5, 2016 at 10:42 pm

    When my daughters were young and would call me mean, I’d reply with “yes I am, I’m the meanest Mom in the world.” Now that my grandchildren are living with me and I have to disapline them sometimes, I get the same thing, so now I’m the meanest grandmother in the world and they’re the meanest moms. Live with it kids!

  • Oh the smell of boys piss in the morning makes me want to throw things! Every freakin morning and throughout the day. I finally figured out, out of my three little boys and grown man, which one does it everytime. I had to stalk everyone who goes to the bathroom. Going a lil crazy. Its still a struggle but it will end!!!! Or else!