Nearly a decade in, and if there’s one thing I know about parenthood, it’s that I really don’t know much at all. What I DO know is that kids are obnoxious little creatures that will push you to the brink of sanity every single day of your life from their birth until you croak. I know that we’re lucky if we make it to their adulthood in relatively one piece. I know that, while some situations require helicoptering, some require the opposite. Take breaks when you get them, lie if you have to (I ain’t ashamed! SANTA IS REAL! NO, ALCOHOL ON YOUR CUT WON’T BURN! THE TOOTHFAIRY ISN’T A GATEWAY TO PROSTITUTION!), and hack the shit out of the rest.
People wanna go on and on about life-hacks, but they never pertain to parenthood. WHY? KIDS ARE HARD, DAMNIT! I’d rather know how to defuse a tantrum than that the top of a soda can can hold my straw in place so I don’t chase it around with my mouth like an idiot. It’s about time some of that make-your-life-easier wisdom gets passed to parents, and while I can’t say I made all of these up, I can tell you that I do in fact use them, and they WORK.
1. Don’t want to share your drink? Sick of slurping down globules of unidentified substance floating in your beloved beverage that you know didn’t come from you? Tired of being left with backwash after they promised they’d “only take a sip!” Easy. Tell your kids your drink has alcohol in it. Sure, they’ll eventually think you’ll a boozer- but you’ll never find yourself sucking on soggy mystery food again.
2. Ignore them. That’s right- just straight up pretend you don’t hear them calling for you. Now, I’m not saying they’re like a pimples, in that if you ignore them for long enough, they’ll go away (trust me, I’ve tried)- but if you ignore them for long enough, your husband will get annoyed enough to deal with them just to shut them up. It’s science.
3. Take batteries out of toys and say they’re broken
When my oldest was born, almost all of his toys had volume settings. High,low, off. A mere 2 years later when my youngest came screaming into this world via my vagina, those settings had mysteriously disappeared. Obviously because toy companies think children themselves aren’t punishment enough and are now using toys as weapons of mass sanity destruction. I smell a conspiracy
4. Kids complain about your cooking? I’ve been there. My kids favorite thing to eat is whatever we’re not having. I’m not a chef or even a great cook by any stretch of the imagination, but when I DO put effort into my cooking, it tastes damn good… and my kids complain every. single. time.
I SLAVED OVER THIS OVEN FOR 2 HOURS FOR YOU TO REFUSE TO EAT IT WITHOUT EVEN TRYING??? OH HELL NO.
Here’s what ya gotta do: Figure out a meal they HATE. I mean really, actually hate. Then, when they walk in, and are ready to complain before the aroma of your delicious meal even hits their ungrateful little faces, say “Guess what? We’re having ((INSERT DISGUSTING ASS MEAL HERE)) for dinner! Your favorite!” and when they’re just about to melt-down like friggin’ Chernobyl, you can be like “Kidding! We’re having pot roast!” and they’ll be all “Oh… well.. I guess that’s okay.”
5. When none of that works, and there’s a strong possibility none of it will because kids are a-holes, just sell the little turds on Craigslist. Bam. Problem solved.
Getting my hair done today! Honestly more excited that my husband has to pick up the kids from school than I am about a fresh 'do
17 Stupidly Impossible Things our Kids Think we can do that we… well… can’t. goo.gl/fb/RrkM47
The fact that this is accurate for my life means it's finally happened: I've become my mother. pic.twitter.com/xrIGOoM5Q9
Vacation season is upon is! This is just your friendly reminder that trips with kids are NOT vacations. holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
If you've ever dreamed of having a smaller, angrier version of yourself that you have to argue with over booger eating, kids are for you.
Repeat for infinity while yelling "I JUST CLEANED THAT" pic.twitter.com/pmfEpm3hJU
I love it when my kid is proud of his new accomplishments. I just wish he wouldn't come into my room at 5am to yell them at me while I sleep
Don't grow up- it's a trap! holdinholden.com/2017/05/10-w…
FYI: When I said "enough with the cold weather! It's MAY! Give us heat!" I didn't mean that I wanted to take a vacation to Satan's anus.