Long-standing tradition around here is to write down all the weird and wacky shit that comes out of my kids’ mouths. I had this notion that as they got older, the weird shit would become less frequent and sane shit would take over. NOPE. So, here ya go! Enjoy! I know I do…. most of the time.
Parker, after being caught eating my yogurt:
“Don’t judge me.”
Parker: Mommy, (female classmate) has been hugging me every day after I pack up
Me: Oh yeah?
Parker: I think she loves me. *sigh* It’s exhausting.
Took the kids to see “The Force Awakens”. Parker complained the ENTIRE TIME about having “The hot farts”. Safe to say he’s turned to the dark side.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Holden: I’ll eat anything except raw fish and eggnog
Well, damn. Guess we’re gonna starve, then!
Parker: Why don’t we ever have dessert in the house anymore?
Me: Because Mommy has no self-control.
Holden: Mommy, can I have some tape?
Me: *rips off tape, hands it to him*
Holden: Oh! it’s sticky!
Me: It’s tape.
Husband: You can’t just give yourself a nickname. They have to be given TO you
Parker: *points at husband* You mean like “LION PECKER”?
Holden: *stands up in bubble bath* Do I look like I have a cinnamon anus?
Me: What?? That’s your new stripper name.
Husband: *dies laughing*
Playing monopoly with the kids
Holden: What’s community chest?
Me: boobs everyone can touch
Husband: stop it.
Before I had boys, someone should have warned me that I’d be hearing the term “wiener wedgie” every day for the rest of my life.
It was finally warm enough to wear shorts outside (and snowed today, so don’t be too jealous), so of course, I took full advantage
Parker: Why are those stems so HAIRY??
Me: *getting self conscious* My legs?
Parker *holds up flowers*
‘Bout time to pull out those weedwackers and donate your leg hair to Locks of Love, ladies!
Chatting about nicknames-
Holden: At school, they call me “The Walking Whoopie Cushion”
Me: *cringes* Because you fart all the time?
Holden: *dying laughing* I use it to repel my enemies!
Parker: *sneaks into my room at 6am*
Parker: *stands by my bed and stares like a creepy ass stalker*
Parker: *poke poke*
Me: Huh?? What? What’s wrong??
Parker: How many more days until the Disney Cruise?
And THIS is why I never tell his ass about vacations.
Driving by the mall one night-
Parker: Forever 21? Who names a store that?
Holden: Yeah. It’s more like “Time’s Up, You’re 30.”
@AtypicalMiriam I am frightening *and* tall 😂
@AtypicalMiriam He fears me. I am the only female I this house. All penis people live in fear.
Me: Just ripped the ass out of my pants. I mean, they were OLD pants, but I feel like it's because I was bigger than I was 10 years ago. 10yo: Everyone's bigger than they were 10 years ago! I am! Me: YOU WERE AN INFANT 10 YEARS AGO 10yo: ... 10yo: *slowly backs out of room*
Person on tv: Age is just a number! 10yo: Yeah, a number that pulls you closer to death.
Party animal over here pic.twitter.com/OVpKPuu4Yc
Proving to my kids that they ARE Friends goo.gl/fb/QbSSNp
Writing my next book Me: My period inspired a whole new chapter! Husband: Your lack of period inspired a whole book... Me: pic.twitter.com/fpNHwnYeAF
The card my kid made me at school. I truly don't know why I expected anything different 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/T7nai0ycqS