Long-standing tradition around here is to write down all the weird and wacky shit that comes out of my kids’ mouths. I had this notion that as they got older, the weird shit would become less frequent and sane shit would take over. NOPE. So, here ya go! Enjoy! I know I do…. most of the time.
Parker, after being caught eating my yogurt:
“Don’t judge me.”
Parker: Mommy, (female classmate) has been hugging me every day after I pack up
Me: Oh yeah?
Parker: I think she loves me. *sigh* It’s exhausting.
Took the kids to see “The Force Awakens”. Parker complained the ENTIRE TIME about having “The hot farts”. Safe to say he’s turned to the dark side.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Holden: I’ll eat anything except raw fish and eggnog
Well, damn. Guess we’re gonna starve, then!
Parker: Why don’t we ever have dessert in the house anymore?
Me: Because Mommy has no self-control.
Holden: Mommy, can I have some tape?
Me: *rips off tape, hands it to him*
Holden: Oh! it’s sticky!
Me: It’s tape.
Husband: You can’t just give yourself a nickname. They have to be given TO you
Parker: *points at husband* You mean like “LION PECKER”?
Holden: *stands up in bubble bath* Do I look like I have a cinnamon anus?
Me: What?? That’s your new stripper name.
Husband: *dies laughing*
Playing monopoly with the kids
Holden: What’s community chest?
Me: boobs everyone can touch
Husband: stop it.
Before I had boys, someone should have warned me that I’d be hearing the term “wiener wedgie” every day for the rest of my life.
It was finally warm enough to wear shorts outside (and snowed today, so don’t be too jealous), so of course, I took full advantage
Parker: Why are those stems so HAIRY??
Me: *getting self conscious* My legs?
Parker *holds up flowers*
‘Bout time to pull out those weedwackers and donate your leg hair to Locks of Love, ladies!
Chatting about nicknames-
Holden: At school, they call me “The Walking Whoopie Cushion”
Me: *cringes* Because you fart all the time?
Holden: *dying laughing* I use it to repel my enemies!
Parker: *sneaks into my room at 6am*
Parker: *stands by my bed and stares like a creepy ass stalker*
Parker: *poke poke*
Me: Huh?? What? What’s wrong??
Parker: How many more days until the Disney Cruise?
And THIS is why I never tell his ass about vacations.
Driving by the mall one night-
Parker: Forever 21? Who names a store that?
Holden: Yeah. It’s more like “Time’s Up, You’re 30.”
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times