The best thing about being the mom in my family is that I rule over my house. I am the Queen, and they are my Kingdom. Their position depends on the day. I am a fair Queen, but I lean toward evil. Still looking for my magic mirror, though.
Seriously, though–I do run the household. It’s overwhelming, exhausting, frustrating, annoying, pretty much every -ing you can think up, but it’s also awesome. If there is a question, I have the answer. If there is a problem, I have the solution. If there is an argument, you can bet your sweet ass I’m going to be the one to end it if the peons can’t figure that shit out for themselves.
It was in that Queen-ish “I rule all of you!” moment that I had the weirdest thought. For the first time ever, I related to Kanye West.
Let’s get some things straight– I am not a fan of his, other than the occasional giggle-snort I have at his absurd antics. I don’t have Scrooge McDuck level monies to go swimming in, and I’m not going to run off and get impregnated so that I can name my child after an airline–BUT–I relate to the man. Chances are, if you are a mom, you do, too.
We all have a little Kanye in us. Let’s all cringe together over the creep-factor of that last sentence. Don’t believe me? Think it isn’t humanly possible? Ohhh ye of little faith!
Proof that you just might be the Kanye West of Moms:
My first realization was during yet another whiny bitch-fest perpetrated by my crotchfruit. Lovely as they are apart, they are monsters together. And they tattle, on everything. One walked into the room, opened his mouth, and started would would be a 5-minute long tattle-fest, HAD I not pulled a Kanye.
!. You’ve ever pulled the “I’mma let you finish, but…”
Beyonce had the best tantrum of all time! Okay, she didn’t, but my kids really don’t need to go on and on. I know what they’re going to say before they say it, especially during tattle-time. And I don’t care. And I don’t wanna hear it. I’ll let them finish, but not before informing them that I don’t give a shit about their tattling and to handle it themselves.
2. You talk about yourself in 3rd person
I hate myself a little more each time I do it, but I can’t help myself after a “whyyyyyy?” and it just feels right to pull a Kanye and say “BECAUSE MOMMY SAID SO!”
BECAUSE MOMMY NEEDS TOILET PAPER, GET OFF YOUR ASS!
3. You think you know more about fashion than everyone on the planet, even though you don’t. Not even close.
But seriously, you can’t go out like that. It’s embarrassing.
4. You’ve ever considered giving your kid a really, REALLY stupid name
Don’t lie. We’ve all been there. Thankfully, you thought better of it and changed your mind. Didn’t you? Please tell me you did
5. I’mma let you finish, but I’m pretty sure I just proved to you that you are, in fact, like Kanye West. We’re all doomed.
Frying pans. Who knew, right? pic.twitter.com/usSQcFGpmI
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8