7 Crappy Things I Forgot About Christmas

Home for the holidays. Doesn’t that just have such a lovely ring to it? It sounds so warm, and cozy, and full of cherished memories, sentimentality, and the one crazy uncle you always tell stories about.

My Christmas break has plenty of that, but mostly it’s full of my kids being out of school and climbing up the walls badsantalike cats cracked out on some government grade catnip. Since they’re both on school full-time now, I’ve had the past few months all to my lonesome and I almost, almost forgot what it’s like having them both home for such an extended period of time. Add in the hype of Christmas and Santa and the Elf on a Shelf threatening to murder them in their sleep, and the 2 weeks they’re given off from school remind me of a LOT more than just how close I can come to losing my sanity due to tiny humans I made myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy Christmas. I think it’s fun, and I love the food (mmmmmmm food), giving gifts, seeing relatives , the lights, and did I mention the food? But there’s PLENTY I don’t really enjoy, and I always forget all about them until I’m preparing for the big day.


  1. Glitter is the devil. You’re never getting rid of that shit. Cards, ribbons, bows, decorations- once you’re finally done getting the house decked and presents wrapped, you might as well rename yourself Bambi, because the only job that requires that much sparkle is stripping.
  2.  Cleaning for myself is completely different than cleaning for guests. Read: More awful.
  3. My kids are really. REALLY annoying. This includes my husband. Like, holy shit. How did I survive all these years so far? I deserve a drink.
  4. 45 minutes of wrapping = 10 seconds of shredding and 2 hours of clean up. Why do I even bother? Every year I swear the next year I’m only using gift bags. Every year, I find myself sitting on the floor cursing myself for deciding to wrap gifts again. I never learn.
  5. Parenting becomes infinitely harder when you can no longer use the “DON’T MAKE ME CALL SANTA!” threat. Sure, you could use it all year long, but it would lose its power.
  6. Eating Santa’s cookies and drinking his milk sounds fun until you actually have to do it. Cookies and milk at midnight were my DREAM growing up. Cookies and milk at midnight as an adult go straight to my ass. My ass doesn’t care about your insistence that Christmas calories “don’t count”. Can we leave Santa cheesecake next year? At least that would be worth the cellulite.
  7. My kids are really, REALLY annoying. Did I already mention that? Oh well.

    Yet somehow, we still mark the holiday as GOOD! Why is that?? Must be the magic of it all. Or maybe the eggnog went bad.

Posted on December 23, 2015 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment
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