Have you ever been shopping with a baby/toddler? No? Let me paint you a portrait please.
1. People ignore your stroller
Seriously. You’re thinking “oh that friendly-looking lady walking in this direction will probably walk around us. Surely she can see my stroller. Can’t miss it. Surely.”
Well guess what? She expects YOU to move out the way and make way for her to pass. Yes, you have become *that* annoying person taking up the space of three adults in the aisle it seems everyone suddenly needs to be in!
2. Baby WILL wake up as soon as you’ve spotted a bargain
Oh look, there’s a sale on! You’ve made it to the 70% off rack with what now feels like a gigantic stroller. You can see a top you fell in love with when it was full-priced last week… OMG, there’s only one left in your size. You move away from the stroller, reach up to get it and…
Your sweetheart who was previously fast asleep is now wide awake and not-so-angelic anymore, demanding you attend to her RIGHT now. In the seconds that you’ve turned to see if, perhaps by the grace of God that isn’t your child crying, the top is gone.
3. You WILL forget something
Even if you’ve written a list. Even if you’re holding the list in your hand the entire time you’re shopping. You’ll still go back home and realise that you either forgot to put something on the list in the first place (because you were busy getting the baby ready and out of the house), or you momentarily lost the ability to read while you were out because the baby was vying for your attention. Either way, its the the baby’s fault!
4. “Browsing” is no longer an option
If the baby is quiet/asleep/not bothering you, then you better roll up your sleeves and get your shopping done at breakneck speed. Oh and absolutely no eye contact with her please. For some reason, kids think you’re looking at them because you miss them and proceed to giving you the cutest, inviting giggles to distract you from the real reason you are there. No. Just don’t look.
5. Stopping for lunch requires a masterplan
Gone are the days when you feel the tingles of hunger after a fun afternoon of shopping, and stop by wherever the food looks good. No. Now you need to know if your stroller will even fit through the door. Does this place have highchairs? Do they have a changing room? Is there enough lighting for me to be able to see where the baby has flicked all her food? Are they going to take forever to bring me my order (because both she and I WILL get restless)? Are the other diners going to judge me when the inevitable meltdown takes place? Is the music too loud for my ageing ears?! Etc etc etc.
6. Some toys never make it back home
We have lost many good friends during a shopping trip (a hand-knitted monkey from my cousin was a particularly traumatic loss). How can you lose a toy, you say? Well, they are simply thrown overboard if little one is inclined to do so. If you don’t take any toys with you, you better have some ingenious way of keeping baby/toddler calm during a meltdown; if you do take a toy (and obviously it has to be something she is acclimatised with) then be prepared for that to possibly be the toy’s last ever day with you.
Dark, I know.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
Half-Assed Jingler Syndrome goo.gl/fb/McWfBy
@ItsEvieClaire Booze and tears
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times