It’s baby season! EVERYONE IS KNOCKED UP! Sure as hell feels that way! Every few months there is an influx of ladies sharing positive pee tests, ultrasounds, and cutesy-poopsy “we’re expecting” photos flooding my social media feeds. Does it give me baby fever?HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAAA! Let’s laugh about that over a margarita, shall we?? No! It doesn’t give me frickin’ baby fever! It makes me happy my uterus was only a kind-of bitch this month and decided to shred my insides instead of turning itself into a fleshy nursery.
Still, all this baby junk has me thinking back–not at all nostalgically– at my time spent being a human incubator. Sure, I recall it, for the most part, as a pretty awesome thing. I mean, I DID get a kid out of it, right? But…. I’ll be honest, and even if it offends people- I hated being pregnant. It was awful. And maybe it wouldn’t have been so awful had people been HONEST with me- and I don’t just mean the sugar-coated “baby’s gonna play your ribs like the xylophone” bullshit- but the REAL HONEST NASTY TRUTH. Because pregnancy is gross. So is childbirth. So are children- but let’s focus, here.
Since I’m reminiscing, why not share all the best of the worst things that no one bothered warning me about?
1. Laser Nipples
Now, this isn’t the ol’ run of the mill “oh, honey, your boobs are gonna be super sensitive!” nonsense the tell you (that can also be confused with PMS sensitivity), no. I straight up felt like my nipples were going to explode. In the shower, I couldn’t even let the water hit them without excruciating pain. Wearing a bra hurt. AIR TOUCHING THEM HURT. Everything hurt. They always hurt. I guess it was the trade off for how wonderfully porno-y they looked.
It’s one thing for the pregnancy books to tell you that constipation is a natural part of the process- but it ain’t just constipation. Ohhhhhh, no. You’re not just full of shit. You’re full of shit, shit that won’t turn into food, and baby, all fighting for space like it’s the fucking Thunderdome. We already know who loses- you.
3. Dirty Dreams
Your boobs aren’t the only thing that might get porno-y- your mind is, too. Why is it that when we look the most like a whale, our brains decide to go perv-tastic? You’d think pregnancy dreams would be all baby faces, bedding, and butterflies, but no. I’ve never had more X-Rated dreams, people.
4. Ya might NOT Shit on the Table
All those nasty rumors about how you’re gonna crap yourself in front of a room full of people? Doctors and nurses who have seen worse, of course, but still PEOPLE! AN AUDIENCE! It’s training for parenthood where you’ll never poop alone again! Well… it’s not 100% accurate. I didn’t shit on the table, and ya wanna know why? Because going into labor, and all the insanity going on in my insides gave me the runs unlike any runs I’ve ever had before. I literally emptied my bowels while in labor to the point that I was completely empty by the time it was time to push out anything other than a turd.
5. Newborn babies are ugly
Don’t fucking lie. They look like weird old potato men. I mean, you LOVE them and in your hormone-fueled brain, they may appear to be beautiful, even with their weird fish eyes and red wrinkly faces and tar-shits, but yeah… they’re old wrinkly potatoes, sometimes covered in hair like little werewolves. Oh, and they’re covered in your insides. Fantastic.
Don’t ya just wanna run right out and get pregnant now??? Yeah…. me either.
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Hard pass from me pic.twitter.com/VayvW1eopK
I've gotten to the point where I'd let my kids summon a demon with a Ouija board before I'd let them play Monopoly together again.
Parenthood is when you start counting the minutes to bed time before 11am.
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