My son went through the terrible two’s with much vigor. My daughter is currently trying to leave a legacy. I, well I have fallen straight into the terrible thirties. It is my turn damn it!
Will someone please wake me up in the morning by singing me a lovely song and then carry me to the table where a large plate of chocolate chip pancakes and a glass of milk with one of those fancy straws awaits me? After I strategically throw several pieces on the ground and spill half of my milk from blowing bubbles… I will take two bites and announce that I am done. Just because I can. This is the terrible “thirties” phase and that’s just what happens. I’m not alone. All of my peers are going through the same exact thing.
We will then venture to my closet where I will be presented over twenty clothing options before I finally arrive at something I deem acceptable. Once I am finally dressed I will immediately spill an entire cup of water down my shirt and we will start the clothing selection process all over again. Don’t even think about getting frustrated with me or I will take even LONGER to pick out shoes.
When we get in the car I will proclaim that I don’t need any help buckling my seatbelt, but don’t worry about being late. My fine motor skills are impeccable so it will only take ten minutes. Coffee? That sounds amazing! At Starbucks I will weave in and out of all the strangers in line and then turn into a wet noodle if someone tries to pick me up. Then when my carmel latte comes out exactly how I ordered it, I will throw myself on the floor and demand nonfat milk instead. If it is not fixed immediately I will then pee my pants “accidentally” on purpose. No worries, a clean outfit will magically appear along with my nonfat latte and I will be rushed back out to the car where I will take another ten minutes to buckle my seatbelt.
Time for a nap? That sounds incredible and I am beyond tired. But Nope! I would rather get my exercise in by getting in and out of my bed twenty times before the white flag is waved and Real Housewives of Orange County is turned on for me. I will be extra cranky later in the afternoon because I didn’t get any rest, but I am happy as a clam eating my chocolate chex mix and sitting on the couch.
Swimming? I love swimming! Perfect afternoon activity to pass the time! My favorite part is to play chase when someone tries to put sunscreen on me and then scream and flail when they catch me. I don’t mind the floaties. I will put those on, no problem! They do serve their purpose though, so don’t even think about getting close to me in the pool…or getting me out when it is time to go. But I will fall asleep on the three minute drive home to then wake up while being transferred to my bed.
Five course supper? I’ll pass, but I will have some chocolate chip ice cream right after I take my bubble bath. That way I can smear some on my face and then push it back into my hair. My top knot hair-do works much better if it has a little product in it from the night before.
Bedtime. Seriously, I should have been in bed hours ago, but I am so overly tired it is hard to fall asleep! Just rub my back for a good forty-five minutes and I will be down for the count…and then wake up at two in the morning to come screaming into your bed so you can rub my back again! Ulk! I hope I grow out of this phase soon.
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8
When you think your kid is done telling a story and you're finally free but they immediately start telling another pic.twitter.com/zM5gtwNCnj