Pod People?? My Kid is a Completely Different Person at School!


This is going to be the first time I’m going to admit this in a blog.I learned the hard way that when it comes to some things in my life, like my children’s health, and decisions that need to be made that could affect their entire lives, it’s usually best to keep it off of social media and out of blogs.
My mama always said- opinions are like assholes!
Okay, fine, my mama never said that, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Post something about your child’s health, education, well-being, poo-consistency, and you are bound to get about fourteen opinions you didn’t ask for and didn’t want, with about half of those being judgy and condescending.

Polite pass.

With Parker in his second week of school, I now feel comfortable enough to write where all eyes can see that I almost didn’t send him. I wrestled with the decision for the past year. Probably the past two years, actually. He could have gone last year, but as much as he wanted, I felt in my gut that he just wasn’t ready. There were so many things that needed to be worked on, so we spent the last year working on all of those, and a week before school this year, after already registering him, I still didn’t feel completely comfortable with sending him.

Why? Well, there are a myriad of health reasons, but the child has overcome SO much that I knew with a little effort and encouragement from someone other than me, he could excel in those areas, so no, it wasn’t even those things I have chosen not to blog about.

I didn’t want to send him to school because…. well… he’s an a-hole.
He is a loving, warm, bright, funny, silly, goofy, ball of squishy adorableness- YES, but he is also a major mega-tantrum-having a-hole.

I can’t count the number of times we had the same conversation- if ya wanna go to school, you have to stop growling, you’re not an animal. You have to stop biting, you’re not an animal. You can’t hit, or yell, or throw fits because you aren’t getting your way.
Now, I realize, these things will occasionally happen because all kids that age have a giant wad of a-hole tucked into every single pocket, but I knew, I just KNEW Parker needed to curb most of that shit or I was going to be getting the dreaded call home his first day of school because he went feral on some other a-hole for some stupid, completely avoidable reason.

Was I being paranoid? Maybe. Worrying too much? Probably. Being a helicopter mom? I’ve never denied that, but these were legit concerns, y’all. I’ve spent nearly every second with this child for the past (almost) six years. I know him pretty well.

Now, before anyone starts humming and hawing and wanting to leave judgy comments below this piece before reading the rest, lemme just stop you right there- I SENT HIM. Okay? I sent his ass to school! I wasn’t 100% positive it was the right thing to do, but I had to go ahead and trust that all the studies claiming that kids are 800% worse when their mothers are present were true. I HAD to believe that he could pull this off because honestly I just couldn’t handle his sassy ass anymore even through the nerves I had faith in him and his desire to be the hell away from me in a learning environment outside the home. That maybe all the rumors were true and kids saved up all their a-hole juice (ew) for their parents. And so I did. I dropped him off, I drove him, and and then I sat. And I waited. And I sat and I waited some more. What was I waiting for? The phone call that told me my little a-hole went all a-holian on some other a-hole and that I needed to learn to control my crotchfruit, but that call never came.

The next day came and went and the call never came.

That entire week came and went and still, the call never came.

What did come? His school agenda, with big circular happy faces drawn next to each day he’d been in school.

What the? Is this right? It can’t be right. Do they have the wrong kid? Has he been abducted by aliens and been replaced by a pod person? Nothing had changed at home. He was still his regular ol’ a-hole self.

After the 4th stupid happy face, I’d had about enough.

“Parker!” I say to the kid after one of his famous meltdowns “We had so many conversations about this behavior. What’s the deal? How are you not getting in trouble at school acting this way??”
“Well (insert sniveling and grumbles here) I don’t act this way at school.”

And there it was. Concrete evidence that all the rumors are absolutely true. Our kids save up ALL of their asshole energy JUST FOR US. Awwww, is it because they love us so much? No. It’s because they FEAR us and what will happen to them if they pull this shit in school. I guess that’s some kinda love. At this point, I’ll take what I can get.

Posted on September 15, 2015 by Holdin' Holden 3 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • sounds about right.

  • So true. My son acts like a demon at home, but has never been in trouble at school. All the teachers at school tell me what an angel he is. I just nod my head and smile.

  • First off, I have the biggest crush on your blog! You rock. Second, I also have an adorable little sass monster who started school this year. I too was waiting to the calls. 4 weeks in and he too is shining bright with smiley faces showing his stellar behavior!! I’ve been pissed!! Wtf?!? Why do I get the shit end? I have 4 boys ages 13, 7, 5 (the monster) and 2. They ALL do this. I will share my secret with you. What I have learned to do is use it against them… Bwahahaha… I now threaten them with TELLING the teacher who believes they are perfect little gentlemen. This works!! Heaven forbid the teacher finds out! When a meltdown happens, and it happens, a lot, I say “I’m gonna go write a note to your teacher and tell her how your acting”. Oh boy! Do those eyes get big!! “Nooooooo please mom don’t!!!”
    Works. Every. Time.
    Do I get mad that they seem to think their teacher deserves more respect than me? Yes. Do I get frustrated that they are only helpful to classmates and teachers? Yes. But I tell myself as long as my kid is not an asshole in public, is honestly a pleasure to others, well then I must be doing something right…