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I’ve Forgotten How to be Alone

I had BIG PLANS for today, y’all. Big plans, for today marked a momentous occasion. For the first time in nearly eight years, I am sitting here alone. All alone. For the first time, both of my kids are gone, and I am surrounded by 002the sound of peace and quiet, for today is the first day of school, and my youngest duckling’s first day of Kindergarten. Well, there was that one time the husband took the kids to the grocery store with him because I was nasty disgusting sick, but that doesn’t count.

Almost eight years ago, I made the decision to be a stay at home mom- to take care of the kids full-time. It wasn’t really a sacrifice, I absolutely HATED my job, but while some women thrive as mothers, it wasn’t enough for me. Or maybe that’s the wrong wording… I just needed something else to do. I’m a weirdo creative type, and wiping the asses covered in whatever form of poo my kids had created wasn’t really a good replacement for creating music, or art, or stories. So I busied myself.

Of course, I always considered myself mom FIRST, but I had a lot of other shit to do. Shit that only seemed to get interrupted, stopped, delayed, and put on hold to put the kids first. So yeah, with the kids gone? I had PLANS! I was going to be productive. I was going to get things done, finally. I made a list (no I didn’t)!

I was going to find a place in this stupid house for all the clean laundry to go because the closets suck ass. I was finally going to get all of the Legos that I swear are breeding off of the living room floor. I was going to work out without having to stop to threaten to sell children on Craigslist if they don’t stop fighting. I was going to really sit down and concentrate on the three manuscripts I’ve started. I was going to finally get my head clear and write some awesome blogs.

So, what did I do?

Well, I came home after dropping them off (no tears. They were as happy to get away from me as I was to get them away from me), did my work out without interruption and it was as gloriously awful as I imagined. Kids actually saved me from yacking all over the carpet by giving me “breaks”. With no breaks… well, I didn’t yack, but I wanted to. I then took a shower without any children trying to kill each other or scalding me after flushing an enormous turd in the downstairs toilet no matter how many times I’ve told them NOT to flush the damn toilet, I don’t care if it’s full of poop!

It was then that I made myself a cup of coffee, sat down on the couch, and said “Well, I don’t have to watch any kiddie crap! I can watch what I want! FREEDOOOOOOOOOM!”

So I watched Magic Mike. I’d never seen it before. I KNOW, SHAMEFUL! BUT THERE WERE INNOCENT EYES ponyALL AROUND AND I’M NOT PAYING $50 FOR A DAMN SITTER SO I CAN WATCH CHANNING TATUM GRIND TO “PONY”!

And then I just kind of sat, stared, and thought about being productive and getting all the things done that I couldn’t get done before because my house was full of screaming children, and I did nothing. Not a thing. Well, I mean I typed this about how I’m doing nothing but other than this I’m doing nothing. And then I turned on the Disney channel. You know, the channel I was just celebrating not having to watch because the kids aren’t here? Yeah. That one.

I’m broken. Am I broken? Is 8 years too long to never be alone? HAVE I FORGOTTEN HOW TO BE ALONE???

This is what I imagine being an empty-nester is like, only my kids come back to wreak havoc and try to kill each other every day at 3 and then I’m all “OMFG I CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW SO I CAN GET SOME PEACE AND QUIET AND SIT MY ASS ON THE COUCH AND WATCH MAGIC MIKE!….. and maybe the Disney Channel”

I think there’s going to be an adjustment period. The house might finally get cleaned again in about…. eh… a year.

Posted on September 8, 2015 by Holdin' Holden 5 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • Oh what a huge day! I went through this last year when my baby started kinder, I think we go a bit nuts for a while, seriously I started a blog, adopted 3 kittens and 2 dogs and now I’m moving house! Yep still loosing my mind, but it’s fun too!

  • When both my kids started full day preschool I thought for sure I would be so productive on my one day off from work……nope! I was so tired I’ve barely gotten anything done in like three years! So now both my kids take the bus and I have about an hour before I have to leave for work and I’ve gotten so much done in 1week! I just hope hope I can keep up the momentum……good luck to you, but if you’re tired take a break and don’t stress about it!

  • I am so Damn happy I’m not alone (no pun intended, I shit you not!!!) I made the genius, dumbest, yet still made me smlee like a freakin goob, decision to leave my day job and have some time off to do mommy shit. WTF was self thinking, and WTF hasn’t my ass been kicked?!?! I love my 3 minions, don’t get me wrong. 17 year old teenage son whom I want to hug but choke too, a 6 year old girl who is literally my clone, and our 2 1/2 year old boy who I nicknamed demon mommas boy. Don’t judge, he’s a cute lil shit stick wrapped with Omfg a really evil and yet a lil Angel dude. He’s our suprise and I will pay dearly, he will make sure. But oh I love my lil shit stick baby bubba!!! So back on point!! (yeah in noticing my attention span can be that of a two year old every now and then)
    I wouldn’t have thought I would SUCK at being a “sahm” I’m great when it comes to jugglin kids, going to school stuff etc. I am SEVERELY lacking when it comes to that whole clean up everybody’s shit they are too lazy to take an extra step and our it away themselves kinda shit. I detest hand washing dishes so what did I do? Paper plates and plastic cutlery (again not my usual wording but after reading it in a bazillion boxes it kinda stuck) and folding laundry is my nemesis!! No, it staying nice and folded and getting to the place it belongs, that’s my nemesis. I finally got three hours just me today and I thought to Self, Self you could do this, that, and oh!! edit that photo shoot in peace. I ended up playing freakin Majhong… FML do ya swear?! And then I realized as I’m scrollin thru Netflix I have more kid shit saved and watched than my daughter and my two step kids combined!!! Yeah I also have my two I love and raise but they didn’t pop out my hooha. That’s 5 minions!! Sad part is, i don’t even remember watching all the shit Netflix says I did!!! But I Damn sure watched a few today and I think I enjoyed it, but sshhhh!! 😉
    Most of the time, alone sounds freakin awesome until it’s real and I hear every creak, crackly, scary sound that makes me remeber I’m not meant to be totally alone for longer than the amount of time it takes to poop, I demand privacy when finishing up, ya know it’s weird havin my kid try to peak n see of I wiped completely yet ,etc bleh!
    Alone time and me, it’s just not meant to be YET!! I can’t wait to run around butt ass naked while the hubsters is working and surprise him upon his arrival home!! Yeah whatever Lmaorofl!!!
    But anyhoo, excuse the inch lenth to my “comment” it’s just so great knowing it’s not just me!!!! Keep these kick ass blogs comin!!! You are the SHIT!!! But in a totally great hell yeah kinda way!!!!! I love a mom with the ballz to just our it our there and not give 2 shits who get their knickers in a knot! Nobody that matters wears knickers anyways!!!!

  • Mine have been in school for a month and I still can’t figure out what to do. Even after I clean I have all this spare time because I wasn’t breaking up fist fights and making 75 snacks in between cleaning. I’m so lost.

  • You are not alone, I needed something to do and went back to college. It gave me something to do, but I didn’t have a degree, so it was something I felt I needed to do. I also started playing World Of Warcraft and I was lost. I got my housework done and then it was play time. 😀 I got addicted to ABC soaps, it was bad. I am still an avid WoW player but have entered the work force again, or will on the 14th mine are 21 and 16. I was informed by my 16 year old that he was far too old to have a stay at home mom. Sigh, they grow up so fast!