I had BIG PLANS for today, y’all. Big plans, for today marked a momentous occasion. For the first time in nearly eight years, I am sitting here alone. All alone. For the first time, both of my kids are gone, and I am surrounded by the sound of peace and quiet, for today is the first day of school, and my youngest duckling’s first day of Kindergarten. Well, there was that one time the husband took the kids to the grocery store with him because I was nasty disgusting sick, but that doesn’t count.
Almost eight years ago, I made the decision to be a stay at home mom- to take care of the kids full-time. It wasn’t really a sacrifice, I absolutely HATED my job, but while some women thrive as mothers, it wasn’t enough for me. Or maybe that’s the wrong wording… I just needed something else to do. I’m a weirdo creative type, and wiping the asses covered in whatever form of poo my kids had created wasn’t really a good replacement for creating music, or art, or stories. So I busied myself.
Of course, I always considered myself mom FIRST, but I had a lot of other shit to do. Shit that only seemed to get interrupted, stopped, delayed, and put on hold to put the kids first. So yeah, with the kids gone? I had PLANS! I was going to be productive. I was going to get things done, finally. I made a list (no I didn’t)!
I was going to find a place in this stupid house for all the clean laundry to go because the closets suck ass. I was finally going to get all of the Legos that I swear are breeding off of the living room floor. I was going to work out without having to stop to threaten to sell children on Craigslist if they don’t stop fighting. I was going to really sit down and concentrate on the three manuscripts I’ve started. I was going to finally get my head clear and write some awesome blogs.
So, what did I do?
Well, I came home after dropping them off (no tears. They were as happy to get away from me as I was to get them away from me), did my work out without interruption and it was as gloriously awful as I imagined. Kids actually saved me from yacking all over the carpet by giving me “breaks”. With no breaks… well, I didn’t yack, but I wanted to. I then took a shower without any children trying to kill each other or scalding me after flushing an enormous turd in the downstairs toilet no matter how many times I’ve told them NOT to flush the damn toilet, I don’t care if it’s full of poop!
It was then that I made myself a cup of coffee, sat down on the couch, and said “Well, I don’t have to watch any kiddie crap! I can watch what I want! FREEDOOOOOOOOOM!”
And then I just kind of sat, stared, and thought about being productive and getting all the things done that I couldn’t get done before because my house was full of screaming children, and I did nothing. Not a thing. Well, I mean I typed this about how I’m doing nothing but other than this I’m doing nothing. And then I turned on the Disney channel. You know, the channel I was just celebrating not having to watch because the kids aren’t here? Yeah. That one.
I’m broken. Am I broken? Is 8 years too long to never be alone? HAVE I FORGOTTEN HOW TO BE ALONE???
This is what I imagine being an empty-nester is like, only my kids come back to wreak havoc and try to kill each other every day at 3 and then I’m all “OMFG I CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW SO I CAN GET SOME PEACE AND QUIET AND SIT MY ASS ON THE COUCH AND WATCH MAGIC MIKE!….. and maybe the Disney Channel”
I think there’s going to be an adjustment period. The house might finally get cleaned again in about…. eh… a year.
What you REALLY need to make Holiday (or ANY) Travel Bearable goo.gl/fb/1BdFtj
Other moms: I finished Christmas shopping for my kids in June! Me: pic.twitter.com/FT3tlWGWd2
@CJPendragon learn something new every day!
@WeberWriting Absolutely. It takes a bit of time and juggling but it is 100% doable. Just have to ignore the sanctimommies of the world
Don't feel bad for tossing frozen chicken strips in the oven and calling it dinner. Don't even feel bad if you don't turn them over. holdinholden.com/2016/05/shit…
To the piece of crap who broke into my car over the weekend- You think you found nothing of value to steal, but you actually took with you the nasty head cold my family has been passing around in that very vehicle for the past week. Enjoy, scumbag! xoxo, Germ Infested SUV
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"