You’d think, with both kids in school, absence would make the heart grow fonder. You’d be wrong. Now that they’re saving up all their a-hole energy for me, I find them even less tolerable. I LOVE them, yes, but maaaaaaan I don’t like them very much right now.
As natural as I know this feeling to be, it’s not one I like to keep around for long. So, if the kids aren’t gonna help me redeem themselves, I’m gonna redeem them FOR them. They should be thanking me.
How do I accomplish such a lofty feat? By thinking about all the GOOD they bring to my life, even if their stinking it up with their ass-nergy (y’know… like energy… but with ass… never mind).
So, if you’re sitting there questioning your decision to have children like I find myself doing at the end of a long a-holey day, here’s a little list of… positivity… to turn that parental frown upside down! What kids are good for even when they’re not being good (or even human)
2. They’ll do just about ANYTHING for a quarter. I haven’t cleaned toilets in a year.
3. Nasty habit of forgetting to set or sleeping through your alarm? Don’t worry. Kids won’t let you miss it. In fact, they are SO efficient, that they will wake you up 10 minutes before it goes off! So thoughtful!
4. If you’ve ever wanted to go back to school or just get a little more knowledge but don’t have the time to take classes, don’t worry, you’ll be struggling through your kid’s homework right along with them in no time! Kindergarten is tough.
5. Ever wondered if your recipe is really up to snuff? Have a kid! They’ll tell you exactly what they don’t like about what you made… which is pretty much everything
6. Kids can help save you money on your water bill! You’ve never showered so fast as when you’re absolutely positive they are completely destroying the house in your absence. 5 minutes never felt so long
7. If you ever find yourself stuck on the toilet with no TP because SOMEONE didn’t replace the empty role, they might be willing to bring you another one. Maybe. Possibly after a LOT of complaining like it’s the end of the world, you might be able to bribe them into bringing you a roll from the closet that is just 5 feet away from them, but don’t get your hopes up or anything. But hey! If they don’t, at least you’ll build some beast thigh muscles from doing the squat-waddle of shame across the house!
8. Spending too much on shopping trips? Take a kid along! They may not help you make sound decisions, but they WILL complain the entire fucking time until you finally give up and go home. BAM, more money in your pocket!
9. Any time you’re feeling like a total shit parent, you will be met by a kid acting even shittier than your shit kid, and you’ll rethink the choice you made to sell them to the traveling circus, saving them the heartache of being ripped from their family, and you the money you’d have to fork out for bail and a high-powered attorney. Win/win!
Yeah… I guess the kids can stay another week. Maybe two if they’re lucky.
Best compliment you can give me is to tell me you hope your future kids turn out like mine. I mean, you're lying, but it's a nice compliment
Where you should be spending your Saturday night twitch.tv/holdinholden
How you win at parenting pic.twitter.com/vFxCsfqmh7