One might think that by August, the summer insanity kids experience would have wound down, the craziness would have left the building, and we could all coast right through to sending their asses back to school.
As I write this, I have over a month left. It feels more like 15 – life. By 5pm each day, I am pretty sure I’m not gonna make it. I’m not cut out for prison life!
For those of you already sending your kids back….
I hate you consider yourselves lucky. For those of you with a week, two weeks, a month left, here are some step by step guides I’ve come up with that might just get you through this last leg.
Step 1: Buy flask
Step 2: Fill flask with booze
Step 3: Lock self in closet
Step 4: Get drunk enough to believe you’re in Narnia
Step 1: Turn on computer
Step 2: Type in “Craigslist.org”
Step 3: Find your city
Step 4: Create a “For Rent” listing
Step 5: List children for nominal fee. I suggest “free”
Step 6: Give children to stranger
Step 7: Move
Step 1: Ask kids if they want to play outside
Step 2: Open door
Step 3: Wait until all children have vacated the home
Step 4: Step back inside
Step 5: Close door
Step 6: Lock it
Step 1: Tell children there is a dollar hidden in the house and the only way to find it is by cleaning up their FUCKING MESS
Step 2: Never hide dollar
Step 3: Sit back and laugh
And then there’s the all-time classic:
Step 1: Make sure kids know they aren’t allowed to curse
Step 2: Change name to “shit”
Use one, use them all. We’re in this together! Hang in there (and tell the Lion I said hello)!
@anninabyrne He mentioned something about penis trampolines. I don't even know.
My 10 yo didn't know that Dick is short for Richard so he's spent the past 10 yrs thinking Dick's Sporting Goods is a store for penis sports
8yo told me that Oct 31st is "national knock-knock joke day"- which means Halloween will henceforth be known as "The Most Annoying Day Ever"
@SassyPsychDoc "It seemed like a good idea at the time"
@SassyPsychDoc I fact-checked him myself. Someone was seriously sleeping on the job that day
Thought my 8yo was lying when he said that a male woodchuck is a he-chuck & a female is a she-chuck.Nope. If I have to know that, so do you!
Sometimes advice from our kids is EXACTLY what we need to hear. Been a rough few months & what my 8yo said hit home holdinholden.com/2017/10/winn…
10yo: What is calculus? Me: It's you + me = us Husband: get out. #oldpeoplejokes
Bravery AND confidence pic.twitter.com/voqjVXWgZx