One might think that by August, the summer insanity kids experience would have wound down, the craziness would have left the building, and we could all coast right through to sending their asses back to school.
As I write this, I have over a month left. It feels more like 15 – life. By 5pm each day, I am pretty sure I’m not gonna make it. I’m not cut out for prison life!
For those of you already sending your kids back….
I hate you consider yourselves lucky. For those of you with a week, two weeks, a month left, here are some step by step guides I’ve come up with that might just get you through this last leg.
Step 1: Buy flask
Step 2: Fill flask with booze
Step 3: Lock self in closet
Step 4: Get drunk enough to believe you’re in Narnia
Step 1: Turn on computer
Step 2: Type in “Craigslist.org”
Step 3: Find your city
Step 4: Create a “For Rent” listing
Step 5: List children for nominal fee. I suggest “free”
Step 6: Give children to stranger
Step 7: Move
Step 1: Ask kids if they want to play outside
Step 2: Open door
Step 3: Wait until all children have vacated the home
Step 4: Step back inside
Step 5: Close door
Step 6: Lock it
Step 1: Tell children there is a dollar hidden in the house and the only way to find it is by cleaning up their FUCKING MESS
Step 2: Never hide dollar
Step 3: Sit back and laugh
And then there’s the all-time classic:
Step 1: Make sure kids know they aren’t allowed to curse
Step 2: Change name to “shit”
Use one, use them all. We’re in this together! Hang in there (and tell the Lion I said hello)!
Frying pans. Who knew, right? pic.twitter.com/usSQcFGpmI
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8