My Spam Box Just Doesn’t Get Me

If I had to count the number of times I check my e-mail per day… well…. it might be kind of embarrassing. In my spamdefense, I’m pretty much ALWAYS waiting for an e-mail that might be important, so it’s kind of necessary to obsessively press the refresh button. Over the years, my spam filter has gotten a bit over protective, so along with checking my regular inbox, I have to scan through my spam box to see if anything accidentally got caught.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this obnoxious task, it’s that spam mail just doesn’t get me at all.  The internet isn’t dumb. It’s full of dumb, but it is not dumb. The filters and algorithms and circulation of our information have all evolved to the point where they know what we want when we want it, and make it a point to shove it down our throats at all times. It’s this strange, unnerving Stockholm Syndrome-like comfort. So… then why is spam so WRONG?

HEY- SPAMMERS! Yeah, I’m talking to you!

If all your botting, info sharing, data farming, and list buying worked, you wouldn’t be sending me erectile dysfunction emails. I don’t have a wiener. I MADE two wieners, but I do not have one, and the ones I made best not be using theirs like that for a long time.
You wouldn’t pretend to be “Kelsey”, who is apparently so horny that she e-mails me thinking I have a wiener and want to secretly hook up.
I don’t.
Sorry, “Kelsey”. You’ll have to find true love (or a “super hot hook up”) elsewhere.
I’m not interested in international affairs or financing, so no, I do not want to open a bank account for you to filter your millions through. Not even if I get to “keep” some, you generous devil, you.
I’m not interested in cheap Raybans, or Wal-Mart gift cards. To be honest, Wal-Mart scares me.
While I appreciate your concern, my Paypal account has not been limited, so clicking your link isn’t going to be necessary.
No, I don’t believe that random e-mail actually came from my own e-mail address, nor do I have split-personalities.

Geez, Spam- why do you have to suck? Why can’t you offer relevant topics? Why do you have to be such a scam all. the. time? If you would just take a MOMENT of the time you are wasting to use my e-mail address to do anything other than spam me, you could fulfill an actual need that I have. Like, say, you invented a product to shut my kids up in 5 seconds that doesn’t involve duct tape or locking them in the broom closet, that’d be super awesome. I’d click on that shit.

Instead, you leave me to have to find these magical things myself, and still sit there spamming me about enlarging my invisible wiener. This is the digital age. You cannot convince me that enough people are falling for overseas banking scams and fake internet call-girls named Kelsey to make ANY amount of time wasted on this shit worthwhile. Get your shit together, or remain forever being emptied from my spambox. Links unclicked, files undownloaded, and Kelsey’s unsatisfied.

Posted on July 28, 2015 by Holdin' Holden 1 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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