Kids: Exactly What You Wished For, But Never Wanted!

When did you first realize that your kid is a bona fide asshole? For me, it was at about…. an hour old. That tar-like nokidspoo that comes out of them like molten lava? That’s a declaration of war, right there. But it’s okay! Babies can’t help being a-holes. The world kinda has to revolve around them because they can’t do a damn thing for themselves. I mean, they COULD STFU at night and let us get a few consecutive hours of sleep so that we’re better rested to be their servants loving parents the next day, but that’s just asking for too much. Little jerks.

When did you first realize that your kid is purposely a bona fide asshole? I’m honestly not sure if it was when they opened their mouths and I heard me come out, or when I opened my mouth and heard my mother come out.  Little did I know when my mom would laugh and angrily tell me that she hoped I had kids just like me growing up, and I laughed and said “I HOPE SO TOO!” that those would be my famous last words. I didn’t want my kids to be like me! I wanted them to be like the warped perfect-me I thought I was in my mind! Somewhere along the way, the lines got crossed, and now I’m stuck in this house with two mega a-holes and I really have no one to blame but myself.

How bad does THAT suck? You just wanna blame the worst of the shit on your spouse, or their mother, and instead, all middle fingers point right back at you (though I did attempt to blame my OBGYN once).

How the hell did we get here? And I don’t mean- how did we get to the point of admitting our kids are the holes of the ass, but how did WE actually survive? How did our parents not smother us in our sleep and not only allow us to grow up, but to spawn children just like us. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? WHAT WERE WE THINKING? WHAT THE SHIT, PEOPLE??

Holden will probably always be the creative perfectionist who has a mild to moderate meltdown when he doesn’t get something right on the first try.

Parker will probably always be personable and funny, but with a short temper and absolutely NO filter between his brain and his mouth.


I wish that I had some big epiphany to share with you. Some kind of anecdote that we can all learn from to deal with the ever-growing presence of asshole and dirty socks that fill up our homes on a daily basis, but I got nothin’.

I’ve got one kid currently sitting on the couch complaining about being bored in a house FULL of toys, and the other one is in his room in time out for being a sassy shit and he’ll be there probably for… ever. I’ll let you guess which is which.

I don’t know that there’s a way to “fix” the ‘tude, or if it’s even possible. I have no damn idea if it will ever end, but I suspect not. I don’t even know how to make it through this shit and come out the other side in one piece.  I don’t really know anything. That’s the reality of parenthood, right there. You get exactly what you wish for…. only not. Or, maybe it’s more like, we get exactly what we deserve.  Damnit.

Posted on July 6, 2015 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • I didn’t get a kid like me, both girls were a kind of mix between the two of us. Our oldest gave me more trouble and mouth then the youngest. I made the big mistake of telling the oldest I hope she has one like her. She did, her second, a girl. Needless to say, little did I know they would be living with me and I would be doing a lot of raising them. My granddaughter is 3 and has an attitude of a teenager, unlike her mother who’s attitude didn’t start until her teen years. I have been very careful with my wishes since.

  • LMAO yes this made my morning. I’m not sure when my daughter became an asshole.. but I think it was the time her little brother made his appearance! Her attitude.. sassy as hell. That grin (you know what grin i’m talking about.. the i’m grinning at you because i’m gonna f-in do it.. and laugh at you) o..m..g.. that pushes me up to crazy land. My son.. became an asshole.. at age 1.. when he throws his food across the damn room because he doesn’t like it.. lmao.