There are certain words and phrases in the English language that I swear if I have to hear one more time, my head will literally explode and jettison into space, never to be seen again. And it will be happier, because my ears will no longer have to hear them. I might be dead, sure, but still, happier.
From the younger generation:
“YOLO”- fucking stop it.
“Call me maybe”- honey, either find a man you don’t have to question whether or nor he will call you, or…you know they sell vibrators, right? I mean, you have to know that. Plus, you’re like, 30. Grow up.
“THOT” No, that’s not “That hoe over there”, that’s your grammar. And education. Walking the fuck away because it gave up on your ass.
Pretty much any stupid word that has been created and has absolutely no real meaning. What the fuck is ON FLEEK? No. Stop. I don’t even want to know. I don’t care. Just stop saying it.
YOUNG PEOPLE: You don’t need your precious (and stupid) “abreves”, kk (yes, it pained me physically to even type the extra k)? If you’re going to insult someone, don’t use a damn code like a spineless turd. Use real words. They’re more insulting. Be creative! Try “Shit-eating Thunder-cunt”, or maybe “Ball-juggling Dickbag”
Real words are so satisfying. Yes they are.
The tried and true passive-aggressive douchebag mantras:
“Just saying” And you’re an asshole. Just saying.
“No offense, but” – you know damn well you’re about to say something offensive and for SOME misguided reason, claiming it’s not offensive before you say it magically makes it less offensive. It doesn’t. You’re a dick.
” 🙂 ” Okay, so it’s not exactly a WORD or a SAYING, but if you use a smiley face at the end of your asshole statement to make it seem less bitchy, you’re still bitchy. And your statement is still asshole-y.
Oh, and then there’s the old faithfuls. The ones that have been around since the dawn of time, and my children have unfortunately adopted and they make me wanna scream:
“I’m telling!”- I swear to shit if you come in here and tattle…
“I didn’t do it!” – yes you did.
And my least favorite of all:
Why is it my least favorite? Because it is ALWAYS said while they are surrounded by their mountains of toys they could be playing with, shit they BEGGED for, put on lists, mailed to Santa, pleaded, groveled, and promised to love forever, and suddenly, all of it is “boring”. I don’t fucking think so. How do you combat this nonsense? You can’t make a kid play with something they don’t want to play with (trust me, I’ve tried). I can’t threaten to throw them away, or actually throw them away, because they don’t care. They would rather sit on the couch and whine for 20 minutes.
Something HAD to be done. I will not have ungrateful children. I will not go and buy toys and have them shit all over them in two months (tops). I will not sit idly by and listen to my rotten kids whine about being “bored” in a house full of toys when others have far less. It ain’t right!
I thought back to something my mom said, because just like my kids, I constantly complained about being bored. Gah, why are kids such jerks?? My mom was sassy. From telling me she’d take me back to the cabbage patch I came from (I’m a vegetable!), to telling me she’d smack a smile off of my face (leaving me with the fear that one day, the wall in our kitchen would be wearing my lips), her response to my boredom was always “Oh, you’re bored? I’ll GIVE you something to do!” (she also liked to say this when I was crying over… who the hell knows what. I’ll GIVE you something to cry about! Stop, mom! I don’t want anything, damnit!)
Who would have ever thought my mom’s mean-mommyness would come in handy to me?
Now, this, I’m positive, is not an original idea. Maybe others have done it in a more clever way- but, I feel the need to pass on sanity-saving parental tools, and this shit? Saved my sanity. And a lot more.
“Mommy I’m bored!”
“Oh, you’re bored? I’m gonna GIVE you something to do!”
Hmmmm… I looked around and pondered. What could I give them to do. Well… that shit you took in the toilet last night left something that looks more like the scene of a car accident than a bowel movement, so go clean the toilet!
And from that simple thought, a miracle was born.
You’re “bored?” Go occupy yourself by scrubbing the floor boards. And scrubbing the bath tub. And washing the dishes. And doing the laundry.
Have I stopped them from crying boredom? HAHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHA *GASP* HAHAHAHAHA AHAHAAHA, no! Heeeeeeeell no. My kids are a hell of a lot more stubborn than that. I think eventually they will catch on, BUT- for now- my house has never been cleaner, and I think I can live with that.
Frying pans. Who knew, right? pic.twitter.com/usSQcFGpmI
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8