A Plea to the Creators of Children’s Shows: Hire a Perv! (No, Seriously)

Currently, my kids are banned from screens. No TV, no games, no tablets, no nothing. It’s just as magical as it antisounds. Honestly, after over 7 years of being forced to sit through their preferred programming, I needed a break. Not just from Ruby being an overbearing twat and Max being a sadist. Not from Caillou’s whining, or Dora’s impenetrable stare. Not from the stupid fucking theme songs, or the gut feeling that my kids will be getting their licenses before Spongebob ever does. Those things could have driven me over the edge long ago, but somehow, I managed to persevere.

Before the kids lost the screens, one day they decided to go on a Phineas & Ferb binge. The show is intelligent, and not just useless drivel (even if that nasally voiced brother makes me want to fashion my toothbrush into a shank and go flying at the screen in a fit of blind rage) during their allotted TV time, so how could I complain? I’m usually focused on writing or organizing or editing or something that takes me somewhere else so the urge to grab my toothbrush doesn’t become too strong, but then I heard it.

“I lost her to a man with bigger fingers.”

EXCUSE ME, SIR?? Did I just hear what I think I heard? Did he really…. did they really go there?? It took all of my willpower to keep it together after that.

I know that kids shows and movies throw us adults bones to keep us sane, to keep us interested, to keep us paying to take our kids to see this shit, so we review it well instead of crapping all over it for being little kid crap that could barely hold the attention of a cucumber. I APPRECIATE that! I actually love that about shows these days- and when I go back and watch things I watched as a kid and finally get the jokes meant for adults that I didn’t get back then. It’s awesome. And clever. And I give kudos for them coming up with jokes that go right over kids heads without crossing a line. Then come the innocent lines, NOT meant for us, like the one above, and I’m left sitting there wondering if it’s just my twisted, warped brain picking up on this or if it really went over the heads of everyone involved with the script.

I know these shows aren’t TRYING to be perverted (no matter what conspiracy theorists say, so don’t go on some rant in the comments to try to convince me otherwise), but shit.

There was an entire month of watching Doc McStuffins where I swore to shit that she was telling her stuffed animals to “GET STUFFED!” any time another human walked in the room. Not that “Go stuffed!” is much better, but holy hell, coffee out of the nose is not an experience I recommend.

SIMPLE solution: Can you kiddie TV show makers/writers/producers hire a pervy parent (not a pervy perv, they’ll let that shit slide) to go over the scripts before approving them? Seriously, bring in a mom with a dirty mind. We’ll tell you straight up- you CAN’T ask little kids to “come inside, it’s fun inside”. You CAN’T make a little yellow sponge live in Bikini Bottom who works at the Krusty Krab. That makes him a DOUCHE. A literal douche. NO. Just no! Though I have a really hard time believing you didn’t do that on purpose. NEXT!

Think about it. You know we always are!

So, fellow parents, what is the most unintentionally possibly pervy thing your mind took the TOTAL wrong way in the shows your kid/s watch/es? Tell me in the comments!

Posted on July 10, 2015 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • a little blues clues refrigerator that says “bunghole” when you get one wrong

  • This probably doesn’t even count as I’m sure it was intentional but it’s from a finnish children’s movie. Fairy asks a troll how he can sleep for so long and he answers “I’ve always been good in bed.” I lost it at the movie theater.