You don’t have to ask me for most things, because I already know. I know you. And you should know that the things I do for you, and tell you to do, might not always be fun, but there is always a good reason behind them!
I don’t put tomato on your sandwich because I know you don’t like it
I bring you your stuffed lemur because I know it’s your favorite
I tell you not to jump off the top of the picnic table because I don’t want you to get hurt
I kiss your booboos because I want you to feel better
I make you pick up after yourself because it’s important to learn not to be a slob. And also, I don’t want to die via Lego to the arch.
I don’t let you watch hours of TV because I don’t want you to rot your brain
I set your bed time because, contrary to childhood belief, sleep is good for you
I don’t buy you everything you want (but claim you “neeeeeeeed”) because I want you to learn to be grateful for what you have
I put you in time out, not to be mean, but because you need to learn that there are negative consequences for some of your actions
I make you wash your hands after going to the bathroom because ew
I tell you to do chores to reach you responsibility and the satisfaction of getting work done
I remind you to say please and thank you when you forget because manners are important. So is not being a douche.
I tell you I love you because I want you to know that even if I don’t like you very much, the love always remains
And I tell you that you’re being a raging asshole because I’m your frickin’ Mommy, and if someone doesn’t call you on your shit early enough, you’ll always be an asshole, and I don’t want you being the asshole who is living alone in my basement at 28 years old, eating microwave easy mac, playing with your junk, and smelling like shit. That’s not gonna happen on my watch.
Love, kisses, & time outs,
Just did this yesterday and it was everything 9 year old me could have dreamed of pic.twitter.com/imYQlUmSVn
LIVE on Twitch tonight -- come say hi! twitch.tv/holdinholden
As I embark on an 11 day trip with my kids, this is especially fitting. VACATIONS WITH KIDS ARE MANUAL LABOR! holdinholden.com/2016/03/vaca…
Are you, though?? 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Rm5L9PBuiL
When I file for divorce and people ask why I'm gonna say "I told him I felt bloated & wanted donuts and he replied 'that's not gonna help'"
Me usually: Lunch time, kids! So much to choose from! Me before a trip: You're gettin' a bread sandwich because I'm not going shopping again
How to Convince Your Fam to Watch ANYTHING you want on Netflix! goo.gl/fb/H6iZrR
We're just... uh.... wrestling.... 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/dpAIyM88c8
When you think your kid is done telling a story and you're finally free but they immediately start telling another pic.twitter.com/zM5gtwNCnj